Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Robin

Look, Barney's awesome.

Barney

And Robin's more than awesome. She's awe-some-more. She's even awe-quite-a-lot.

Ted

But the most important expression of all...[presses button on laptop; slide shows a very angry Robin]

Barney

[awed at picture] Whoa... [goes toward Ted]

Ted

[describes picture] Flared nostril ridges, wide unblinking eyes... if you ever, EVER, see this face, Barney, run... and don't take a picture of it. She will punch you... and you will cry... for the third time... that night.

Ted

Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?

Barney

Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. She saw that tweed jacket which basically says you're not interested in nor probably even capable of having sex and she thought, hey, free lodging.

Ted

No way, I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.

Barney

Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.

Robin

Which is funny, because usually, it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down services. Oh! [highfives Barney]

Ted

Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. They're taking this really hard.

Barney

Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, but don't you have to get back up to the inn? I mean, who's working the front desk?

Ted

Seriously, they're your friends, you got to apologize.

Barney

To your point, Ted. As an innkeeper, do you do that cheap thing where you only change the linens upon request? I mean, I mean, I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

Ted

Robin, you know I'm right. If a problem doesn't go away, usually just makes it bigger.

Robin

You're right...

Ted

Thank you.

Robin

...all that sexlessness has made you wise.

Ted

For God's sakes...[rushes out of the bar]

Barney

[calls out to Ted] Mint on the pillow, Ted, and don't charge for WiFi, it seems greedy.

Robin

When I went to the States, I swore to myself I won't change. Yet here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe - Tim Hortons, just around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame...and I don't belong. It's like I don't have a country.

Barney

Ok, that's it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I'm Barney, from America, and I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don't want her, I'm planting my flag in her if you know what I mean-which you probably don't- and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.

Ted

[to Marshall] Barney says Lily asking you to wash the dishes is a sign that your marriage is crumbling.

Marshall

What? Why? Lily likes a clean sink. I do the dishes right away, so what's the big deal?

Barney

I'll tell you what the big deal is. You know how I have always been best at being single?

No.

Barney

Well, now, I am the best at relationships. Even better than you and Lily.

Marshall

Whoa, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes and think you could play with a big boys? Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Mamma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile that will make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook.

ArchiSexture, the world of - [screen cuts into Barney]

Barney

Hello Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew you'd pick this one - you are now in possession of my porn. This can only mean two things - either I'm dead, or I'm now in a committed relationship. If I'm dead, I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreating Weekend at Bernie's. I wanna dance, I wanna have sex with a girl, and I wanna go fishing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a committed relationship, then as your best friend, I have only one request: Please for the love of God, GET ME OUT OF IT!

Lily

So, what did you guys do last last night?

Robin

Well, I wanted to go a party and he wanted to go dancing, but we couldn't both do something only one of us wanted to do, so we just stayed home and fell asleep watching a movie.

Barney

It was legen--wait for it--ds of the Fall! Legends of the Fall! [shrugs]] It was OK.

Others draw themselves into...

Barney

Every woman in New York City. That's right, Barney Stinson is back on the market. Mothers lock up your daughters, daughters lock up your MILSWANCAs.

Marshall

MILSWANCAs?

Ted

Wait, I can get this... Mothers I'd Like to Sleep With And Never Call Again!

Barney

Correct! Circle gets the square!

Wow, you're an astronaut?

Barney

[hushes woman] I'm actually in a top-secret government space program, called Secret NASA, or...SNASA.

Wow, SNASA.

Barney

Ah hmm..

Do you go to the Moon and stuff?

Barney

Well, not the moon you're familiar with, though I've been to the... Smoon.

Wow... The Smoon!

Robin

If you fall for that one, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry, but you're a smoron.

Barney

I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: post-coital, when I'm with Germans -- sometimes those two overlap -- coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day The Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course -- wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have -- pregnancy scares.

Ted

Why are you smoking right now?

Barney

I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

Barney

Hey.

[curtly] What do you want?

Barney

Drop the act, baby doll, daddy needs a- [realizes what she just said] Wait, whaaat?

Are you gonna order a drink, or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?

Barney

[caught off-guard] Um...

I don't know how to make an 'Um'. Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face? [cheerfully, at another guy] Hey, Bobby! What do you want?

For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. [takes Lily's sudden punch and lies crumpled on the floor]

Lily

Kiss my husband? MY HUSBAND?!?! Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!!! [proceeds to pummel Jenkins while Marshall tries to get closer]

Barney

[trying to take picture of fight] Marshall, you're blocking the shot!

Hello friends, every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, and the sport of sleeping with random hotties has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. Barney, welcome.

Barney

[shakes hands] Thanks Jim, great to be back on the show.

Good to have you with us, and you know the stats that really speak for themselves - over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, and not a single fatty. It's impressive. With all of these accomplishments though, there's one laurel that has eluded you...which brings us to last week. What's the story there?

Barney

Buckle up, Jimbo, this one's a doozie.

Barney

Hey.

Robin

[sees Barney and takes off earplugs, still sad] What's up? Thought you were going on some big date.

Barney

Robin, I know you're upset.

Robin

What? No, I have I've never been happier, and this Anita sounds lovely. I'm so glad that the two of you just randomly happened to find each other. [angry tone] It just warms my frickin' heart! [returns to pistol and fires again without earplugs, deafening Barney. Robin throws away pistol when she's out of rounds and catches breath]

Barney

So you're not upset?

Robin

Of course, I'm upset, Barney. Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?

Barney

But you're not just another number to me.

Robin

And now, you're taking Anita, who you barely know, on this amazing date, when I never got treated that way. It just, it just sucks, that's all, it just sucks. [pause]

Barney

Wow, I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend, but I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex-boyfriend. I'm sorry. What can I do to make it up to you?

Robin

Nothing, Barney. You've already proven I'm not important.

Barney

Stop that, I'm serious. Ask me for anything.

Robin

Ok, don't sleep with Anita.

Barney

Done.

Robin

Barney, of course you're going to sleep with her. Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?

Barney

She's not going on this superdate, Robin. You are.