Barney Stinson quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Ted

I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. I woke up all greasy and sweaty. My sheets looked like what they wrap Deli sandwiches in. Maybe I should join a gym. Do you go to a gym?

Barney

Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness. But I don't work out there.

Ted

What do you do?

Barney

I invest.

Lily

We're not gonna date them, we're just gonna be friends with them.

Barney

That's the couple's version of dating.

Robin

And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. You wanna have brunch with them, you wanna go to Pottery Barn with them, you wanna go antiquing with them, don't you? Oh, yeah, you wanna antique the crap out of them.

Barney

Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

Ted

How do you know she's from a different area code?

Barney

She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

Robin

[at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.

Ted

I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.

Barney

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Barney

There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

Robin

Of course there are.

Barney

Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

Lily

You can not be more evil.

Barney

Sorry five. Recently widowed.

Barney

Shotgun for eternity!

Robin

You can't call shotgun for eternity.

Barney

I just called it.

Robin

You can't just call things!

Barney

I call that I can call things!

Lily

How did you two meet?

I was in her video. Once you win Mr. Teen Winnipeg, everybody wants a piece of the moneymaker.

Robin

"Starred in it" is more like it!

Barney

Excuse me. I've seen "Let's Go to the Mall" about a thousand times, and, you, sir, are not in it.

I was in the other one.

Barney

There's another video?! [Barney runs out of the bar]

Robin

I wanted to be sixteen again.

Barney

Robin, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth. You're the most awesome person I've ever met. Well, second.

Robin

Right, first being you.

Barney

No, actually, it's this guy I know who lives in something called the mirror. What up?

Robin

Okay, here's the deal, Barney; the moment my feet touch the ground this never happened.

Barney

Okay. Wait! [lifts up covers] Right-click, save as, into the b-peg folder and okay! This never happened. It's a good plan.

Robin

Now we go back to exactly the way things were before.

Barney

Okay.

Robin

[whispering] Okay.

Barney

All right... So Robin?

Robin

Yes Barney?

Barney

Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News One last night?

Ted

You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."

Barney

What do you mean?

Ted

All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.

Barney

Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted

I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Barney

[after Ted punches him in the groin] Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?

Ted

You think that this is just about Robin? This is about ... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?

Barney

Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...

Ted

I am not going to Vegas with you. I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend and spend my thirtieth birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would ... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box. And that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."

Barney

What does that mean?

Ted

It means maybe you belong in that box.

Barney

Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted

I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Barney

Yes!

You're thinking about having sex with Ted?

Robin

We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?

Ted

Chinese?

Robin

Oh.

Barney

I don't like Chinese.

Ted

Indian?

Barney

I just said I don't like Chinese.

Ted

Indian isn't Chinese.

Barney

Weird meat, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs?

Ted

Mexican?

Barney

I just said I don't like Chinese!

Robin

God.

Barney

[in old man make-up] You there, what's your name?

Cindy.

Barney

Cindy. I knew it! You're the Cindy, the one that can change everything...or spell our inevitable doom. Now listen to me, Cindy. I am Barney Stinson. And I am on an urgent mission from the future.

The future?

Barney

The future! And I can prove it! In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man. [Clears throat loudly]

Barney

In a few minutes, the young me from your time is going to come through that door. Now, Cindy, I know this sounds insane...but in order to save the planet, you need to sleep with him. Tonight.

What?

Barney

Sleep with Barney Stinson, tonight, in whatever way he wants it...or he won't be able to find the solution to global warming that saves the human race!

What are you talking about?

Barney

I have no time to explain. I have to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Only you can save us, Cindy. I must away!

Oh my God! You're-oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?

Barney

Well, I guess I have time for one drink, and forty-five minutes to an hour of some other activity. But after that I have to get back to, uh, a secret research project I'm working on.

Global warming?

Barney

My god. How did you know that?

Robin

Wait, whoa, what damage did I cause?

Marshall

Remember that night where you drank the twelver of Molson and got all "Super Canadian"?

Robin

[holding a hockey stick] Stanley Cup. Game six, eh? The Rangers are aboot to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks.

Marshall

Hey hey Robin, I'll give you twenty bucks if you can shoot it through the front door.

Robin

Oh! You're nuttier than a Tim Horton's maple log! Tally Ho! [tries to shoot the puck through the door]

Lily

[grabs the puck] No. That's it, Robin. Gimme the stick!

Robin

I'll give you summer teeth... Some are here, some are there.

Lily

Robin, give me the stick!

Robin

Take off, [shoves Lily] hoser!

Lily

Alright, that's it!

Marshall

Go America!

Ted

Alright, alright! Break it up! BREAK IT UP!

Barney

Te-ed, no! You never break up a girl fight! NEVER!! [punches a hole in the wall and storms out]