Ted Mosby quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

Ted

How do you know she's from a different area code?

She's 516. She might dress like she's 718 and act like she's 212, but trust me she's 516. Oh, and her husband letting her out alone on St. Patty's Day? If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. [Ted looks confused] ... Wyoming.

S3 E12 No Tomorrow

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Ah the butterfly tramp stamp, my bread and butter. So I'm guessing that the real story involves a bad break up and some booze, unless it's a gang tattoo, in which case I thinks time to find a new gang.

Ted

Ah no, I just thought it would be cool to get a caterpillar tattoo, then a few weeks went by, and all of a sudden...

Well, I think I can remove it in ten one-hour sessions, but I should warn you, laser surgery's very painful.

Ted

Well, I think I you'll find that I have a very high tolerance for pain. Just last night I sat through the worst movie ever made.

Oh, Plan 9 from Outer Space?

Ted

No...the Worst Movie, Manos Hands of Fate.

S3 E13 Ten Sessions

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[Ted's wooing of Stella backfires when he discovers that Abby, her receptionist, likes him]

[at the bar] Ted, I hate to say this, but I think it's "nail the receptionist" time.

Ted

I'm not gonna nail the receptionist.

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

S3 E13 Ten Sessions

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Ted

Gee, is that ice cream cone big enough?

Uhhh, it's delicious enough.

S3 E15 The Chain of Screaming

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[Ted is furious with Barney over sleeping with Robin and comes to a decision]

Ted

You know what Barney, earlier this week I've been putting some stuff into a box and that box was labeled "Stuff I Have No Use For Anymore."

What do you mean?

Ted

All I'm saying is, maybe you belong in that box.

Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted

I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

S3 E17 The Goat

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[after Ted punches him in the groin] Okay. I deserved that. I deserved that. But what's important now is we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right?

Ted

You think that this is just about Robin? This is about ... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"?

Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted, seriously, this suite at the Bellagio...

Ted

I am not going to Vegas with you. I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend and spend my thirtieth birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would ... You know, Barney, earlier this week I started putting things in a box. And that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore."

What does that mean?

Ted

It means maybe you belong in that box.

Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore?

Ted

I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.

S3 E17 The Goat

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[Ted and Stella agree to have sex, but both are nervous]

How long's it been for you?

Ted

It's been a while.

Tell me. [Ted shows full palm] Me too!

Ted

It's been five months for you, too? [Stella is open-mouthed]

RLRobin, Lily, and Marshall

[at flat] FIVE YEARS!??!

S3 E18 Rebound Bro

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[Ted and Marshall are at the apartment of the gay couple who bought Lily's painting just for the frame]

Ted

Since you're a clearly man of impeccable taste and style, I want to ask you: what do you think of the boots? [shows red cowboy boots]

LLawrence

Walter. [Walter goes out of bedroom] Boots.

WWalter

[looks down at boots] Pulling. Them. Off!

Ted

[to Marshall, smiling] I'll be in the cab.

S3 E19 Everything Must Go

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So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend.

Ted

Well, now I can finally say it: I hated that guy! Everything out of his mouth is 'I'm a vegan!', 'Fish feel pain!', 'I'm never constipated!'. That guy's an idiot.

Actually, she's marrying him. I just wanted your honest opinion.

Ted

He's actually a really nice guy. There's a wisdom...

S3 E20 Miracles

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FTFuture Ted

Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me. The longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows asking the question...

Ted

[to Stella] Will you marry me?

FTFuture Ted

Your brain goes into overdrive, imagining every possible response.

[Flashbacks to every possible response]

No.

[Next response]

Oh, god no!

[Next response]

[bursts into laughter] You want me to marry... No.

[Next response]

Awww I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from the high school football team, already asked me.

MJMark Johnson

What's up, turd?

Ted

It's TED!

[Back to present time]

FTFuture Ted

But if you're lucky, she might answer with the single greatest word in the English language...

Yes.

S4 E1 Do I Know You?

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Ted

[about Star Wars] It's just a movie.

[Cut to Ted and Marshall watching the TV. Subtitle: '121 awesome minutes later']

Ted

Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her.

Marshall

No, you can't.

Ted

Wanna watch it again?

Marshall

Yes, I do.

S4 E1 Do I Know You?

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We always do this. We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, and we end up here anyway. I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now?

Ted

Chinese?

Oh.

I don't like Chinese.

Ted

Indian?