James Wilson quotes from House

House

We're fine. Never seen her happier.

Wilson

Yeah? How about you?

House

I'm worried.

Wilson

Because she's happy?

House

No. Because I am.

Wilson

House, that's...

House

Ironic? Weird? Crazy?

Wilson

I was going to say normal.

Wilson

[to House] You told me you gave them your credit card...

House

And you were dumb enough to believe me. [Wilson walks into the house and sees Rachel. House picks up his jacket] Cuddy'll be back in an hour and ten minutes, I'll be back in an hour and five.

Wilson

[follows House to the door] Ohhh, no, you don't.

House

Oh, yes, I do.

Wilson

You're not gonna leave the kid?

House

Yes, I am. [begins putting on his coat] 'Cause unlike you, I don't have a conscience.

Wilson

[tries to get past House to the door] And unlike you, I'm not having sex with Cuddy, so I actually can leave.

Wilson

Hey, hey, hey! You are not going to pin this on me. Rachel needs to be monitored for 24 hours to see that the dime passes. You know, just to make sure she doesn't die.

House

You're telling me to do the right thing while climbing out a window?!

Wilson

[to House] If Rachel wakes up, she's gonna tell Cuddy everything.

House

She's two! Last night, she was whining about the giant moose that lives outside her window.

Wilson

You have to go. Your girlfriend's birthday? It's not even a question.

House

She has one every year. How often do you break up with the love of your life? Okay, for you, it's more often than most, but still...

Wilson

I'm a big boy. I think I'll survive.

House

How do you cheat on a test when there's no test?

Wilson

Sorry, not playing. [gets up, grabs his lab coat, and leaves his office with House following behind him.] Go away, House. [puts on his lab coat while walking] I am not giving you advice just so you can distort it to suit your own warped world view.

House

But it's been working so well. Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. The problem is, Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.

Wilson

And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

House

Cuddy cares about her. Which means When Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. And as the boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive, consoling...

Wilson

Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

House

Play date being their code for way to weed out the paste sandwiches. They'll hand her puzzles and counting games, and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces. [gets an idea and turns & walks off]

Wilson

Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker!

Wilson

Looking forward to Friday night?

Cuddy

Yes and no. Yes, because it is a great honor, and no because… Well, you know the because.

Wilson

You think House is going to embarrass you.

Cuddy

Well, not intentionally. [glances at Wilson] Maybe intentionally.

Wilson

I'll get it!

House

[off screen] That better be her.

Wilson

Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.

Rachel

Don't blame me; he's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.

The mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

House

I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.

Wilson

What's the problem, officer?

She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?

House

Nope! But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. [walks over to the door and sees the officer out] Officer, you have my word it won't happen again, 'cause next time she won't get caught.

Wilson

We are gonna talk about this, and we're gonna deal with this.

House

So I have no choice. Fine. Unless... unless... yes, I do. I do have legs. I see you didn't factor those into your brilliant plan.

Wilson

[about House] He needs you.

Cuddy

I love him. And I know he loves me. But I just can't.

Wilson

He needs you in his life. Even if you're not sleeping with him, he needs you. Without you...

Cuddy

You can't go backwards. I can't fix his problem. I am his problem.

Wilson

Congratulations on your engagement.

House

I hear a strange voice.

Dominika

A very soft-looking man. Must be the Wilson.

Wilson

[about House] He's gone too far. He's taking up six handicapped spaces with a monster truck.

Cuddy

It's only four, and he's gonna get rid of it after the wedding.

Wilson

And the chapel… He's turned the chapel into his own personal catering hall.

Cuddy

Who cares? Other than a janitor sleeping off a bender, he's the first person to use it in two weeks.

Wilson

Appeasement is never the answer in the face of naked aggression. It won't be long before his tanks are rolling down your Champs-Elysees.

Cuddy

I know what House is doing. You, on the other hand… why do you care? He isn't hurting anyone.

Wilson

[walks to the chair in front of Cuddy's desk and sits down with his arms crossed over his chest] You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He needs someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to, when they say no. If you really care about House, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

Isn't that House's chicken?

Wilson

Disgusting beasts. I don't know why I ever agreed to this bet.

So call it off.

Wilson

And lose $20?

Wilson

If he's ignoring you, it's because he trusts you.

Foreman

No, it's not.

Wilson

No, it's not, but he does.

Foreman

Thanks. I feel warm inside.

House

What are you doing here?

Wilson

You hoping for someone else?

House

Hot nurse, candy striper… Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgmental.