James Wilson quotes from House

Wilson

Where's House?

Taub

Performing his ritual hiding-from-Cuddy-to-avoid-getting-a-new-case dance. It's sort of a jazz-fusion kind of thing.

Thirteen

He's probably eating lunch in the morgue.

Wilson

I'm not here for an argument, House!

House

No. Right. That's room 12A.

Wilson

You can't change a table.

House

Actually you can. You just need a coat of paint and the guts to use it.

Wilson

[entering the office] What are you doing?

House

Paying Wibberly's mortgage for a few months. [rips check out of the book] Congratulations on another successful round of hectoring.

Wilson

Wait a minute, is that actually a check for him?

House

No. It's a giant novelty item for winning the lottery. You're just standing really far away.

House

Okay, why don't you tell me my real evil plan.

Wilson

I don't think there is an evil plan. You regret not having a relationship with your own family. And you don't want to see Foreman go down that same path. I think you're actually being nice.

House

Oh shut up! You can't accuse me of an opossum attack and underhanded kindness in the same visit.

Wilson

Then I'll come back.

Wilson

How's it going?

Cuddy

[calls Marina on her cell phone as she talks to Wilson] Got three hours to save this place from bankruptcy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.

Wilson

Rachel's gonna be fine, I'm sure whoever he or she is deserved it, and we're not going bankrupt. Are we?

Cuddy

Don't worry. The board will fire me before they allow that to happen.

Wilson

They'd never fire you.

Cuddy

I just told Atlanticnet Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.

Wilson

They might fire you.

Cuddy

What do you think I should do about Atlanticnet?

Wilson

You're asking a guy who paid full sticker price for his last car. You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.

Cuddy

This situation is out of control enough already. House is the last person I want to get involved.

Wilson

What are you doing tonight?

House

Masturbating. I'd invite you, but people are already talking.

Wilson

It's pathetic. You divide your nights between porn and the Discovery Channel.

House

Right. Playing Dance Dance Revolution is a much better choice.

House

You brought a date?

Chase

Wilson seemed to think it was a good idea.

Wilson

You need to dive back into the pool.

House

And he has to swim in ours? You go to a bar, you bring your ugly friends.

Chase

It's not a beauty pageant.

House

Life is a beauty pageant. Little girls who kiss frogs expect them to turn into you.

Chase

Oh, come on. I'm not that good-looking.

House

Yeah, you are.

Wilson

You kind of are.

Chase

So you attribute every relationship I've ever had to the height of my cheekbones?

Wilson

Not the whole relationship. Just the beginning.

House

The rest is your hair.

Can I help you with something?

Wilson

Yes. Uh, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about this dining table.

It's made of wood, and you eat off it.

Wilson

So you're paid by commission?

It's furniture. Find something you like, let me know, I’ll ring it up.

Wilson

Thank you so much.

Wilson

People change, House.

House

Sure. They get older, ovaries start drying up, and nice guys like you look attractive again.

Wilson

Hey. I can't believe I'm about to say this. Sam...

House

Told you so.

Wilson

No, she didn't dump me. She wants to get to know you better.

House

Damn it. I never should have let her see me naked.

Wilson

It goes against all my instincts, but I said all right.

House

Why?

Wilson

She thinks I was hiding her from you.

House

You were.

Wilson

I don't want her to know.

House

So you're asking me to condone a relationship based on lies and mistrust.

Wilson

Yeah.

House

When and where?

House

[Answers cell phone] Hi, this is Gregory House. I can't take your call at the moment. Please leave a message. If this is Wilson, I'm fine. Not suicidal. Not on drugs. Coping very well with the loss of my last patient. So feel free to go about your day without worrying. Beeeeep.

Wilson

[both outside House's door and on cell phone] House, you can't just NOT show up to work. What's Cuddy going to say?

House

If this is still Wilson, she gave me the day off and tomorrow. [Cuddy glares at him.] Okay, maybe not tomorrow, but today. I'm fine. Now go away! ...........beeeeeeeep.

Wilson

I've been more passionate with my great-aunt.

House

Mabel? Up high!

Cuddy

We done here?

House

She didn't even ask me to cough. [To Cuddy] I think you straightened out my limp.

Wilson

What happened?

House

She said 'yes' and I heard 'no'. I didn't actually hear 'no', but I just was sure that's what she meant. The way she tilted her head and half arched her eyebrow. What do I even care what she meant? She said 'yes', that's all that matters. ....I'm screwing this up.