Gregory House quotes from House

Dr. House

I saw the light on.

Dr. Cameron

It's daytime.

Dr. House

Yeah. It's a figure of speech. Always so literal.

Dr. Cameron

Got a new cane.

Dr. House

Yeah. Guy in the store said it was slimming. Vertical stripe...

Dr. Cameron

Why are you here?

Dr. House

Vogler is dead.

Dr. Cameron

What? What happened?

Dr. House

Again with the literal translation. Vogler the idea. Mr. Destructo. Mr. Money Bags, "Bow down before me"; he's gone from the hospital, so things can go back to the way they were.

Dr. Cameron

The way they were was kinda weird.

Dr. House

Ehh...weird works for me.

Dr. Cameron

What are you saying? Literally?

Dr. House

I want you to come back.

Dr. Cameron

Why?

Dr. House

Please unclench. You're not on the clock, and when you do that, I clench, and then it's the whole thing...

Dr. Cameron

Could you look at your pager?

Dr. House

It's no big deal, some sort of epidemic. Not my area.

Dr. Cameron

You should go, it's important.

Dr. House

What I'm doing now is important.

Dr. Cameron

Why do you want me back?

Dr. House

Because you're a good doctor.

Dr. Cameron

That's it?

Dr. House

That's not enough?

Dr. Cameron

Not for me. Go deal with your plague.

Dr. Cuddy

Dr. House! We need you here.

Dr. House

Sorry, lotta sick people. I might catch something.

Dr. House

[Walking into his office, where Wilson is waiting with another job applicant] Sorry. I was taking a dump.

Well I guess I'm better off interviewing right after than right before.

Dr. House

You Jewish?

[Keeping her cool] Yes.

Dr. House

Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay?

Dr. Wilson

[Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh—

Two hours of begging?

Dr. House

I heard four.

Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. [After a significant, impressed pause from House and Wilson] Look, I know you like to play games, push buttons. I have four brothers. Long as you keep your hands to yourself, I'm okay with anything that comes out of your mouth.

Dr. Wilson

That's our Hitler!!

Dr. House

No. Did you see her shoes?

Dr. Wilson

Her shoes? What, did your horoscope in Vogue tell you to avoid women wearing green shoes?

Dr. House

The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth.

Dr. Wilson

They were Prada, which means she has good taste.

Dr. House

They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum.

Dr. Wilson

Okay, well... they were nice, pointy.

Dr. Wilson

You had the perfect person, and you blew it.

Dr. House

You saw the shoes!

Dr. Wilson

I'm not talking about her.

Dr. House

You're talking about Cameron.

Dr. Wilson

I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about.

Dr. House

Cameron is so not perfect.

Dr. Wilson

Nobody's perfect.

Dr. House

Mother Theresa?

Dr. Wilson

Dead.

Dr. House

Angelina Jolie?

Dr. Wilson

No medical degree.

Dr. House

Oh, so now who's being picky?

Dr. Wilson

You're not going to be happy with anyone.

Dr. House

So what, your advice is... hire someone I'm not happy with and be happy?

Dr. Wilson

No, my advice is much more subtle. Stop being an ass.

My OB-GYN died recently. Nice man. Warm hands.

Dr. House

Not anymore.

Dr. House

Wow. Well, you've certainly given me a lot to think about. If only I was as open as you.

Dr. Cuddy

Well...

Dr. House

Actually, it was your blouse I was talking to.

Dr. Wilson

[House is attempting to put on a tie before his date with Cameron] The wide side's too short. You're gonna look like Lou Costello.

Dr. House

This is a mistake. I don't know how to have casual conversation. You think you're talking about one thing, and either you are and it's incredibly boring, or you're not because it's subtext and you need a decoder ring.

Dr. Wilson

Open doors for her, help her with her chair...

Dr. House

I have been on a date.

Dr. Wilson

Uh, not since disco died. Comment on her shoes, her earrings, and then move on to D.H.A.: her Dreams, Hopes, and Aspirations. Trust me — panty-peeler. Oh, and if you need condoms, I've got some.

Dr. House

[sarcastically] Did your wife give them to you?

Dr. Wilson

Drug rep. They got antibiotics built in, somehow.

Dr. House

I should cancel. I've got a patient in surgery tomorrow.

Dr. Wilson

And if you were a surgeon, that would actually matter.

Dr. Cameron

I have one evening with you, one chance. And I don't want to waste it talking about what movies you like or what wines you hate. I want to know how you feel—about me.

Dr. House

You live under the delusion that you can fix everything that isn't perfect. That's why you married a man who was dying of cancer. You don't love, you need. And now that your husband is dead, you're looking for your new charity case. That's why you're going out with me. I'm twice your age, I'm not great-looking, I'm not charming; I'm not even nice. What I am is what you need. I'm damaged.

Dr. House

Would you operate on your mother?

Of course not. I'd be too nervous, couldn't be objective.

Dr. House

Then why are you so anxious to treat everyone like they were family?

Dr. Wilson

Do you think he was dead? Do you think those experiences were real?

Dr. House

Define real. They were real experiences. What they meant... Personally, I choose to believe that the white light people sometimes see, visions, this patient saw. They're all just chemical reactions that take place when the brain shuts down.

Dr. Foreman

You choose to believe that?

Dr. House

There's no conclusive science. My choice has no practical relevance to my life, I choose the outcome I find more comforting.

Dr. Cameron

You find it more comforting to believe that this is it?

Dr. House

I find it more comforting to believe that this isn't simply a test.

Stacy

I’m not over you. You were, you were the one, you always will be. But I can’t be with you.

Dr. House

So I’m the guy, but you want the other guy, who by definition can never be the guy.

Stacy

What's great about you is that you think you're right, what's frustrating about you is you're right so much of the time.

Dr. House

You know we should do things, throw a ball around or something. Guy stuff.

Mark

We could go for a run together.

Dr. House

OH! It's Oscar Wilde!

Stacy

Wow, this pissing contest is really turning me on.

Dr. House

Here's to women. Can't live with them, can't kill them and tell the neighbors they're stripping in Atlantic City.

Mark

Damn straight. [they chug their beers, trying to finish first]

Dr. House

I'm definitely taller.

Mark

I have more hair.

House

Death row guy. I want the case.

Cuddy

How do you even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.

House

No, but "partypants" does.

Cuddy

You stole my password?

House

Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.