Gregory House quotes from House

Why did you fight for me? You risked so much and you hardly know me.

Dr. House

You're my patient. Don't screw it up.

Vogler

This is not a game, Dr. House.

Dr. House

No, it's actually more like we're dancing right now. So let's get to the point. You don't like me. I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna like you. It's nothing personal, I don't like anybody.

His name's Joey, he's my only brother.

Dr. House

He's important to you. Got it. No placebos for him, we'll use the real medicine.

Dr. Chase

You can trust me.

Dr. House

Problem is, if I can't trust you, I can't trust your statement that I can trust you. But thanks anyway, you've been a big help.

Dr. House

Need the lawyer.

Vogler

Who'd you kill?

Dr. House

Nobody, but it's not even lunch.

Dr. Wilson

The ultrasound and biopsy confirmed our worry. The tumor is extremely large, at least thirty pounds.

Oh, God.

Dr. House

It's actually a personal record for this clinic.

I'm not pregnant.

Dr. House

Sorry, you don't get to make that call unless you have a stethoscope. Union rules.

This is what a woman is supposed to look like. We're not just skin and bones - we have flesh. We have curves.

Dr. House

You have little people inside you.

[Looks angrily]

Dr. House

Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I guess I must have just been brainwashed by the media... and all those years of medical training.

Dr. House

Figures you'd try and come up with a solution where no one gets hurt. The problem is, the world doesn't work that way just 'cause you want it to.

Dr. Cameron

Figures you'd stall and refuse to deal with the issue. Problem is, the world doesn't go away just because you want it to.

Dr. Cuddy

In the Senator's condition, a spleen biopsy could easily cause sepsis and kill him!

Dr. House

Why do you do this to me? Now if I kill him, I can't tell the judge I had no idea of the risks involved.

Dr. Cameron

[giving differential diagnosis] Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?

Dr. House

Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.

Dr. Cameron

You hate whole body scans.

Dr. House

'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're 4th-down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.

Dr. Cameron

I hate sports metaphors.

What will the voters think? If they find out I've had a b-b-brain biopsy?

Dr. House

This could leave you b-b-b-b-brain damaged...and you're worried about NASCAR dads?

Dr. House

She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

Well there's this diet we put her on when she stopped breast feeding...

But it's healthy, um, raw food. We're vegans. Almond milk, tofu, uh, vegetables...

Dr. House

Raw food... If only her ancestors had mastered the secret of fire. Babies need fat, proteins, calories. Less important: sprouts and hemp. Starving babies is bad and illegal in many cultures. I'm having her admitted.

Dr. Wilson

I have no kids, my marriage sucks... I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship, and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech.

Dr. House

They matter... If I could do it all again—

Dr. Wilson

—you'd do the exact same thing.

Dr. House

Any vote to revoke my tenure has to be unanimous. I've got you and maybe even Cuddy.

Dr. Wilson

Oh, well that settles it. Mr. Ruthless Corporate Raider will be stymied, go home, curl up on the floor of his shower and weep.