Gregory House quotes from House

House

Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, especially a useless drunk.

Cuddy

You're addicted to pain pills.

House

But I'm not useless.

Foreman

Aren't there better ways to spend our time?

House

Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a man who kills his wife?

Foreman

Uh yeah. Actually, he is.

House

What about a child molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back.

Your patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards.

House

Relax, I've got a great bedside manner.

Dr. Wilson

House. Need you.

Dr. House

[nasally] Nah. Forget it, I'm going home.

Dr. Wilson

Hay fever?

Dr. House

Boy, you must be a doctor and everything.

Dr. Foreman

Her oxygen saturation is normal.

Dr. House

It's off by one percentage point.

Dr. Foreman

It's within range. It's normal.

Dr. House

If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Dr. Foreman

What are we trying to hear?

Dr. House

Tumor.

Dr. Chase

They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.

Dr. House

The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. [Everyone looks at him strangely]. Does that need any more explanation? Okay, the tumor is Al-Qaeda, the big bad guy, the brain who went in wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell, a small team of low-level terrorists, quietly living in the suburb Buffalo, waiting to kill us all.

Dr. Foreman

Whoa, are you trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it?

Dr. House

It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain, before this clot straps on an explosive vest.

Dr. House

Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?

Dr. Cuddy

Are you high?

Dr. House

If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.

Dr. Cuddy

It's Wednesday.

Dr. House

20 bucks says I can get through this door in 20 seconds.

Dr. Chase

You're on.

Dr. Foreman

Count me in.

Dr. Cuddy

You broke into my house?!

Dr. House

No, that would be wrong. I had a key.

I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?

Dr. House

It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us.

Look. My heart's red; your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs.

Dr. House

You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but based on my experience in the last ninety seconds all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans.

Every minute four people die of TB.

Dr. House

Wow, how can you sleep at night?

There's people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over...

Dr. House

Yeah, I know, I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours, that means every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you gotta get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another ten minutes you could have saved forty lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's gonna take at least ten minutes, so that's another forty dead, another forty notes... why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?

Dr. Foreman

What's the emergency?

Dr. House

[Looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog.

Dr. House

Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear.

Dr. Wilson

You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.

Dr. House

And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world.

Dr. Wilson

It's not just the trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize.

Dr. House

Seriously? No wonder everybody is going after that peace thing.

Dr. Wilson

He cures thousands of people every year, you cure what 30?

Dr. House

McDonalds makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?

Dr. Wilson

Oh, I see, so you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save?

Dr. House

Yep, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite, I won't accept his blood money.

Dr. House

There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Foreman

Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

Dr. House

Just not as honest about it.