Jill Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Tim

Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.

Tim

Now you're talking.

[to Randy] Randall William Taylor, get out here now! I want to talk to you!

Tim

Wow, the middle name. He's in trouble!

[about Bob Vila] Are you afraid that big bad Bob is going to make you look foolish?

Tim

Better men than him have made me look foolish. [pause] That didn't sound right, did it?

Tim'

Are you insinuating this is my fault?

I'm not insinuating. I'm saying it. It's your fault.

In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.

Tim

What's your point?

My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?

Tim

Honey, I'm thrilled.

Do you think that Tim is a good listener?

Wilson

Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.

But does he understand everything you say?

Wilson

I think Tim is a very good listener.

Tim

I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.

Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

At least Tim helps you out around the house.

Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

Tim

I didn't know you wanted me home right away.

Well, what did you think I meant when I said how I was looking forward to seeing you and [Saying seductively] "I'll be waiting."

Tim

Oh, what was that supposed to mean, "I'll be waiting?"

Well, I was trying to be more subtle! What did you want me to say, "The kids are gone, I'm home alone, come and take me Big Daddy?"

Tim

Well, that I understand.

Mark

Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)

Randy

Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!

It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Randy

Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!

Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Tim, come on. Our son took a dissected frog and placed it on a lettuce leaf. (Tim laughs) It's not funny! This is serious! The principal ate it!

Tim

Well, it's a step up from those fish sticks they serve.

Tim

What I did was just downright rude. It would be like burping in public.

Well, you do that all the time.

Tim

But not with other women!

[She and Tim are eating in a resturant, she notices a beautiful woman walk by and sit at the table behind Tim] Woah, baby! Bad news. This is not the night for you to give up looking at women.

Tim

Oh, and why is that, Jill?

Because this unbelievable young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.

Tim

Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that one. What is it, a 72-year old steel worker? "Hey Marge, they got no beer here!"

Not exactly, Tim.

Tim

Oh, so she's the "Va-Va, Voom" type?

Well, as a matter of fact, she's got great "Va-Va's" and a darn good "Voom."

Tim

You see, after thirteen years of marriage . . .

Fourteen!