Al Borland quotes from Home Improvement

Al

And what would the change be, Tim?

Tim

Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?

Al

Speak for yourself, Tim.

Tim

[after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?

Al

I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Al

I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim

Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.

Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

Tim

We have a very special show for you today.

Al

Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?

Tim

Maybe just your contract, buddy.

Tim

After all, a safe workplace is a happy workplace, isn't it?

Al

I wouldn't know, Tim.

Tim

Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years.

Al

It's over between us.

Tim

Al, open the door.

Al

No! You should never have made that recording of me in bed!

Tim

What the hell are you wearing?

Al

Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background.

Tim

You're supposed to blend into the background!

Tim

All this week, Al and I will be doing our salute... [Tim and Al salute, following by sound of tools dropping] ...to toolboxes. You know, a well-organized toolbox says a lot about you as a man. [Al snickers as Tim sets his normal-sized toolbox next to Al's larger toolbox] What is it, Al?

Al

Uh...nothing, Tim.

Tim

What is it, Al?

Al

Well, I...I was just noticing how much bigger mine is.

Tim

You have to have a bigger toolbox to compensate for your teensy, weensy paycheck.

Al

No, Tim, I need a bigger toolbox because I'm your assistant, [opens toolbox] and I need to be ready for any of your particular needs.

Tim

Oh, yeah, he does. Ho ho ho ho ho. You're really shaping up around here, Al.

Al

Well, I have plenty of room in here for [pulls out the following] bandages, couple of ice packs.

Tim

Stop it, Al. Cut it out.

Al

Oh, tourniquet.

Tim

I hope you have a job application in there, Buddy!

Al

Crutches.

Tim

[bewildered] Huh?!

Al

IV unit.