Randy Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Randy

(To Tim who's wearing a kilt) Hey Mom, where's Dad?

Brad

Mom!

What?

Brad

Dad's cussing.

Tim

I'm not cussing.

Mark

He said a bad word.

Tim

It wasn't bad!

Randy

He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim

I did not say 'damn'.

Randy

Now you did.

Brad

Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?

Tim

You bet!

No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.

Brad

Aww, man

Tim

No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.

Tim

Hey Randy, did you do your homework?

Randy

Yeah.

Tim

Want to help?

Randy

No.

Tim

Where did I go wrong with him?

Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Tim

We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?

Mark

What's 'enlightened'?

Randy

It means scared of Mom.

Brad

I don't have a woman.

Mark

I have a woman, Mommy.

Randy

Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!

Tim

A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!

Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.

Brad

Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!

Randy

They made me a sheep.

[Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?

Tim

It's a little piece of table.

Randy

What happened?

Tim

Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.

Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?

Tim

I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]

Tim

You notice, I'm not laughing.

Randy

OK. Dad, bend over!

Tim

Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?

No.

Tim

Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."

Tim

And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?

Randy

The Fire Department?

Mark

Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)

Randy

Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!

It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Randy

Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!

Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Tim

You had a bad day, we all have bad days.

Randy

There's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerleader.

Tim

Oh, no. Well, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of the pyramid. You don't wanna be on the bottom of that thing

Randy

(after the play) I saw Jennifer looking at me.

Brad

She wanted to know where you bought your tights.