Jill Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Are you saying the car's not working?

Tim

We now own a 350-horsepower, 4-door, BOULDER!

So I can't drive it?

Tim

Not unless you're Wilma Flintstone!

Tim

I'm gonna make some of that four-star, happy trails, rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.

I don't know about the rootin', but there'll be plenty of tootin'.

Tim

You should consider yourself lucky I'm not making my rip-roarin' chili.

What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.

Tim

That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone.

I thought you said it was a technical problem!

Tim

Technically, I was the problem.

Tim

We've talked about this long enough; I'm gonna put another sink in this room.

Oh, no no no no you're not.

Tim

It's not that big a job; it's a small job.

There is no such thing as a small job with you, Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be ripping out walls, and running a subway through here.

Tim

I'd give you free tickets!

Tim

...Let me do this for you.

Will Al be here?

Tim

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Will Al be here?

Tim

I want you to understand something. Al is my assistant, he assist me.

Yeah, I know. Will he be here?

Tim

Probably, yes.

Tim

Anything you want!

Oh, what if I decide I just want you, right now?

Tim

Well, it'll be difficult without Al here to assist me!

Why do they call it a monkey wrench?

Tim

They call it a monkey wrench because even a monkey can use it.

Brad

Dad, am I gonna be able to help you work on this thing?

Tim

You bet!

No, no, Brad, honey, you have to finish your homework.

Brad

Aww, man

Tim

No "aww man's." Do what she says, then you can help.

Tim

Hey Randy, did you do your homework?

Randy

Yeah.

Tim

Want to help?

Randy

No.

Tim

Where did I go wrong with him?

Don't worry about it, he's not yours.

Tim

The first time I did Tool Time, I was really nervous. So I imagine the audience was just one guy.

The first time you did Tool Time, there was only one guy.

Tim

Yeah, but I pictured him in his underwear.

He WAS in his underwear!

Tim

He was NOT!

Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper, because he added some lines.

Brad

Yeah. He doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID!

Randy

They made me a sheep.

Mark

So Santa is alive?

Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark

But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?

Tim

He's really fast for a fat guy!

Tim

You can't help that you're a lousy bowler. You're a woman.

Boy, nothing gets by you, Tim.

We're keeping score.

Tim

I thought you didn't want to keep score.

Oh, is the great big bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?

Tim

Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?

Tim

Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!

Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?

[Tim has come home with a piece of table glued to his head] Wha-What is this thing on your head?

Tim

It's a little piece of table.

Randy

What happened?

Tim

Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and got my head cemented to this table. It took me a saber saw to get me off of this table.

Shouldn't you go to the emergency room?

Tim

I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.

Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head? [Jill and Karen laugh]

Tim

You notice, I'm not laughing.

Randy

OK. Dad, bend over!