Tim Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Tim

[after opening a bag of chips and spilling them everywhere] There's a warning label right here. You shouldn't open these in broad daylight, in Detroit. It could cause an explosion!

Tim

[about the vacuum] On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure. On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.

Tim

And where are Mary and Joseph staying this year, Ceasar's Palace!?

Tim

Sorry, Jill, but to join this game, you need to be able to bench-press 150 pounds. [Al starts to get up] Al, sit down!

Tim

I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Tim

Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.

Tim

If a woman holds up a stop sign, if she designed it, it would say "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now."

Tim

You wouldn't be just teasing a gal, would you?

Tim

Really? [reading from the book, in a deep voice] Her heart stood still as Derek swept her into his arms. His sinewy biceps rippled as he carried her up the STAIRS, to a NIGHT, of ETERNAL ECSTASY! Oh, PLEASE!

Tim

Fine. I'll bring some hand puppets to the bedroom.

[about the dishwasher] You will not screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.

Tim

What's wrong with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick.

Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.

Tim

No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "no!"

You're thinking of tonight.

Tim

In the shop, tape hangs on a hook, because it has a hole in it.

So does your head, it's not hanging on a hook.

Tim

Would I help if I said I was sorry?

It might.

Tim

I'm sorry.

It didn't.

Tim, what do you actually know about installing a satellite dish?

Tim

It's simple. Mount it, point it straight up. Any man could do that.

Yeah, but it has to stay up longer than ten seconds.

Tim

However much I'm not jealous, I'm twice as much not insecure.

Wilson

Well, you should feel secure, Tim. You've got what every man dreams of.

Tim

A satellite dish!

Wilson

No, Tim. Three strapping boys, a nice home, and a loving wife.