Mark Taylor quotes from Home Improvement

Mark

What are we gonna make?

I'm gonna have your whole Scout troop make paper-bag masks.

Mark

Is that all? Billy's mom helped us make a real tepee.

She did?

Mark

Yeah, and she made us beef jerky out of raw meat.

Billy's mom is a Stepford wife. You're getting pizza and paper-bag masks.

Brad

Mom!

What?

Brad

Dad's cussing.

Tim

I'm not cussing.

Mark

He said a bad word.

Tim

It wasn't bad!

Randy

He said 'hell' and 'damn'.

Tim

I did not say 'damn'.

Randy

Now you did.

Tim

We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share in the household responsibilities, right?

Mark

What's 'enlightened'?

Randy

It means scared of Mom.

Brad

I don't have a woman.

Mark

I have a woman, Mommy.

Randy

Your Mom can't be your woman, stupid!

Tim

A lotta guys pay shrinks a lotta money to figure that out!

Mark

So Santa is alive?

Sure, you sat on his lap at the mall.

Mark

But there are a lot of malls. How could Santa be at every one?

Tim

He's really fast for a fat guy!

Mark

Hey Mom, did you get the notebooks?

Oh, yeah. Well, they didn't have any Terminator left, but they did have these two blank ones and this one. (Brad and Mark grab the blank ones, leaving Randy with the other one)

Randy

Mom, this one has a puppy and a rainbow on it!

It was either that or a ballerina and a pussycat.

Randy

Why don't you just pin a note on my back that says "Kick me and take my lunch money"? I can't take this to school!

Yes, you can. You can be creative. You can...you can draw a tank here at the end of the rainbow, and, like, some fighter planes dropping bombs on the little puppy.

Mark

Do you have to go to the bathroom, Dad?

Tim

I don't think I'm EVER going to the bathroom again.

Mark

What happened?

Mark

What's that?

Tim

My very favorite muscle.

Mark

But Mom, they were gonna play with me.

Mark, when Brad and Randy say they want to play with you, always ask yourself "what do they want to do to me?".