Give me back my gun, or I'll shoot!
S3 E19Hogan, Go Home
S3 E20Stiky Wicket Newkirk
Anything wrong, sir?
Hogan, get out of here!
I WANT THAT MAN IN HERE!
My feelings exactly, Major Hochstetter!
Colonel Hogan, we have crossed swords before, and I have had my suspicions about you. But now, my feeling is much stronger.
Glad you finally cleared me, sir.
Exactly. Eighteen men have escaped from Stalag 6. Eight of them I have recaptured.
Excellent work, Major Hochstetter! But may I point out that here at Stalag 13 we have no such problem. Never an escape, never so much as- [Hochstetter glares at Klink] as-as- until today, sir... but that was an official transfer...
Of the eight men I captured, one talked. He claims they were all heading for Stalag 13. Do you have any idea why?
Bad sense of direction?
I do not think so.
Major Hochstetter, why would escaped prisoners be headed for another prison camp?
That is exactly what I intend to find out! I shall surround this camp with a ring of steel! Anyone trying to get out will be caught! Anyone trying to get IN will be caught!
Major Hochstetter, rest assured, you have my complete cooperation.
I do not want your cooperation. All I want from you is to stop giving guns to prisoners! I will deal with all of you! Later!
Major Hochstetter, may I point out that my relationship with the Gestapo has always been the most cordial-
BAH!
[Major Hochstetter storms out and slams the office door behind him.]
Open the door! I am going to count to three! If you don't open the door, I am going to break in! One! Two! Three!
[Sergeant Schultz rams the door open, but the men are no longer holding the door. He stumbles in and goes up to Hogan.]
Who was holding the door? I WANT TO KNOW!
Nobody, Schultz; it sticks in the warm weather.
It is freezing outside!
It's a pleasure to see your mind work.
Are you calling a Gestapo informant a liar?!
Why would I do a thing like that?
Because your head is in the noose. You have been running a country home for prairie dogs. They dig while you sleep! WAKE UP, Klink! Enjoy the little time you have left!
Major Hochstetter, I shall... [Stutters nervously] certainly try.
S3 E21War Takes A Holiday
Shoot to kill? What do you have in the truck? Prisoners?
No, dancing girls. Of course, prisoners, you Dummkopf!
The most important prisoners you will ever see. Every important leader of the underground movement.
My congratulations, Major Hochstetter.
What is this man doing here?
Oh, I'm so sorry. Major Hochstetter, this is the American prisoner, Colonel Hogan. Colonel Hoga-
Klink, did I ask for an introduction?
I just thought I'd show the new prisoners around-with your permission, of course.
(miffed) What is this man doing here?
Schultz! Escort Colonel Hogan to the barracks at once!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
(Hochstetter and Klink walk away from Hogan)A special armed guard is coming to take these prisoners to Berlin. In the meantime, I want you to prepare a maximum security block for them.
Yes, sir, maximum security. You can depend on me, heh, heh.
I am sure it's not necessary to tell you what would happen to you should there be an escape, hmm?
An escape from Stalag 13? (Laughs) That's a good on-
You will be shot.
[fearful] That's another good one.
(Klink and Hochstetter walk back, pass Hogan, and turn around, realizing he is still there)(Screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!
[watching the prisoners celebrate the "end" of World War II] Look at them. We've told them they can go, and they're having such a good time they don't want to leave!
Your, uh- your prisoners have decided to leave us, but it's a long hike into town. I was wondering if they might borrow your car.
Borrow my car?
Well, they'll return it tomorrow. Won't you, fellas? These are gonna be big men in industry. And who knows, you may need a job!
Well, I don't-
Look, I tell ya what; I'll sign for it. If they don't return it, I'll pay for it!
Yes, but-
Well, what difference does it make? The war's over!
Well, yes, the war is over... but... [gives up] Oh, all right, take the car.
IGInspector General Busse
The what... is what?
The war. It's over.
IGInspector General Busse
The war is over...?
That's right, General! Haven't you heard?
IGInspector General Busse
No! And neither have the Americans! They bombed Berlin just one half-hour ago!
You mean the war isn't over?
IGInspector General Busse
Of course it is not over!
Gee, Hochstetter. What a bad break. And after you let those four Underground prisoners go. Should make a lot of friends for the Gestapo.
IGInspector General Busse
[Furious] You stupid fool, you! You have been tricked! [turns to Klink] And you! You, you, you idiot, you! I will see to it that-
Sir, I hate to butt in, but all of Colonel Klink's prisoners are still here.
Yes! Yes, that's right! [hurries to the office window and opens it] SCHULTZ! CLOSE THE GATES! THE WAR IS BACK ON!
S3 E23Axis Annie
What're you doing after the broadcast, sweetheart?
S3 E24What Time Does the Balloon Go Up?
[barges in on Klink] No one goes in or out of this camp until further notice.
Major Hochstetter, I am still in charge of this camp!
The Gestapo is now in charge.
By whose orders?
(hands orders to Klink) By General Burkhalter's orders.
(hands orders to Hogan without reading them) That's good enough for me. Are you satisfied, Hogan?
(reads orders) Mm-hmm, satisfied.
[Hochstetter does a double-take upon noticing Hogan]
WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!
Yes, Hogan, what are you doing here?
Undergoing intensive interrogation. He's brutal, sir. Brutal.
Yes, sir, I am.
BAHHHH!!!(storms out of office)
Hogan, that is the most terrible idea I have ever heard. Of course I can't leave in the night. The Gestapo has orders to shoot to kill. I might be shot. I might end up dead.
Uh, yeah, now tell me the part that's terrible.
S3 E25LeBeau and the Little Old Lady
Hilda, write this down. Dear General, this is an urgent request to replace 4 members of my camp personnel. They are Wolfgang, Hans, Heidi, and Gerta, our German Shepherd guard dogs. They have become lazy, inefficient, and vicious.
I thought they were supposed to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused. My sense of humor left with Lebeau. (who escaped) Dismissed... My kindest regards to Frau Burkhalter, et cetera, et cetera. Heil Hitler.
HHilda
Would you like me to send the daily roll call report with this, sir?
Not until I recapture the prisoner who did not escape. Hogan, I said "dismissed".
I just came to tell you where Lebeau is hiding.
The day you tell me where one of your men is hiding is the day you send a birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent him the girdle last year.
Would you mind lowering your voice, Major? You're going to bring the property values down in this neighborhood.
What is this man doing here?
You see, Major Hochstetter, the escaped prisoner, and my efficient, trusted, and dependable Sergeant.
Where, where?
If you had run your camp properly, Klink, he never would have escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish this discussion later? We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here?
Major Hochstetter, I assure you-
You have delayed me for long enough. We are going to search this building.
For what?
He thinks that there is an underground contact here.
We didn't see anybody.
You see? I told you-
(screaming) WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?!?!?!?!
You're shouting again. Somebody is going to call a cop.
S3 E27The Collector General
What job?!
Fixin' the hole in your roof. You got a terrible leak up there. Didn't Sergeant Schultz report it?
I gave no such orders!
He doesn't want it fixed! Start pullin', Louie!
Wait, wait! I didn't say that!
Stop pullin', Louie! He changed his mind!
Wait, wait! Proceed, proceed!
Start pullin', Louie! Yes, sir, 'scuse me sir. Thank you. I'm sorry. 'Scuse me, sir.
[Carter salutes Klink, drops the ladder, picks it back up, and he and LeBeau take the ladder back out. Carter comes back to close the office door. Once they finally leave, Klink looks in exasperation at the picture of Adolf Hitler on his wall.]
What I have to put up with for you!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Hogan's Heroes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.