We have a new design that just came in! We call it, Leader of the Wolfpack! [reveals a figurehead of a puppy] Whaddaya think?
No, it's a wol-uf! Howling at the moon! AH-OOOOOH!
It's a newborn puppy who's just done a naughty! Look, I don't think you're grasping the concept here. I want to soar over the waves with a ferocious figurehead on my ship!
Soar, yes! How about a hawk, vicious, sweeping down for the kill?
There ya go! [reveals a figurehead of a butterfly]
Hmm. Doesn't exactly resemble a hawk, does it?
Sure that's a hawk all right, streaking through the sky! HAWWK! HAWWK!
Don't hawks have sharp talons, you know, CLAWS?
For special occasions, they trim them!
Sure, for formal occasions!
Oh stop! It's not a hawk at all!
Yes, a pretty butterfly, fluttering across the water!
Hmm, hmm... I don't see it.
There's nothing scary here at all, is there?
It's like all your ship's figureheads are being designed by a three-year-old!
Oh, that's just not true!
No! Actually, I don't think he's over twelve months. [camera pans to reveal Big Fat Baby designing figureheads]
BSBill Straitman
Hello, and greetings from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. We're here today with Hakon the Good, king of Norway during the tenth century, and one of the great Viking leaders and warriors.
HGHakon the Good
Glad to be here, Bill!
BSBill Straitman
Hakon's brought along some weapons to share with us.
HGHakon the Good
That's right!
BSBill Straitman
Now I understand that great Viking warriors such as yourself like to name their swords.
HGHakon the Good
True, Bill!
BSBill Straitman
Brave names like Excalibur and so on.
BSBill Straitman
Fierce names; brutal, bloody names.
HGHakon the Good
That is correct!
BSBill Straitman
Well, tell us, what is this one called?
HGHakon the Good
Oh, this one here? This is Bob! Bob the Sword! [pronounces "sword" with a loud "w" sound]
HGHakon the Good
Right! And that's Timmy over there! And right here is Greta! Greta likes Timmy, don't you, Greta? [as Greta] "That's right! I want to marry Timmy!" [as himself] But not if Bob has anything to say about it! Right, Bob? [as Bob] "That's right! You can't marry Timmy; I want to marry you!" [as Greta] "But I love Timmy!" [as Bob] "Too bad! You're marryin' me!" [as Timmy] "Over my dead body!" says Timmy! [as Bob] "Oh yeah?!" [as Timmy] "Yeah!" [as Bob] "Well then, let's go at it!" [begins fighting with himself using the swords, falling over backwards] "Hey, get offa me!" [as Timmy] "Oh, you're askin' for it! Here comes Dicky Boy!" [grabs a nearby axe and speaks with a new voice as Dicky] "Stand aside, Greta; I'll take care of these two!"
BSBill Straitman
Apparently, Hakon's helmet is a touch too tight. Thank you and so long from the Viking Museum of Weaponry. AAAAHH!
HGHakon the Good
[as Bob] "Come back here, you! I'm not finished with you yet!" [as Greta] "I won't have you runnin' away from you!"
NNostradamus
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went, [the lamb was sure to go, but in Germany where]
There was a scary man named Hitler!
Here's your pepperoni pizza with extra barbecue sauce, hold the anchovies.
I didn't order any pizza!
Yeah ya did, I got the order right here.
That is not my address; this is for Galileo. He lives in Italy.
Well, I don't think I can get there in a half-hour or less.
Like, mister, are you okay?
I think the dude's having a nervous breakdown.
Oh, you think so, do you?! Well, I think that -- Think? Think! That's it! "I think, therefore I am!" I did it! I did it, huhuhu! [in singsong] I found a basic axiom upon which to be acknowledged!
Spare me the details, brainy-dude. Can I get paid for the pizza now?
No no no, wait wait, I'm on a role! "I think, therefore I am!" Don't you see? It is so simple! If I think, then I exist. If I don't think, then I don't exist! Now I can solve any mystery known to man! Go ahead, ask me something! Something!
Who's gonna pay for this pizza?
I--I don't know. I have absolutely no idea. I can't think! Therefore I am-- [suddenly vanishes]
Gone, chuh! The dude stiffed me!
Hey! Don't disappear on me, deadbeat philosopher dude! Think yourself back into existence! Somebody's gotta pay for the pie, man!
[about Alexander the Great naming cities after himself] But for travelers, it could get confusing.
Yo, excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to Alexandria?
WSWorld's Oldest Woman
Sure thing, bubby. Just head southeast into Persia, cross the Zambrose Mountains, and when you hit Afghanistan, turn right at Kabul. You can't miss it.
Whoa, that's kinda far. Uh, how about Alexandria?
WSWorld's Oldest Woman
OK, y'know where Merv and Central Asia used to be?
WSWorld's Oldest Woman
Bingo!
Central Asia, huh? Well, what about Alexandria?
WSWorld's Oldest Woman
Ohboy, darlin', you just went right past it! Just turn around and make tracks about 1200 kilometers worth, and when you hit the Libyan Border, hang a right to the Mediterranean Sea. Then you row-row-row your boat, uno-dos-tres, and when you find yourself around a bunch of naked armless statues, you're there!
Uh... well, that really sounds out of the way. Do you think Alexandria would be closer?
WSWorld's Oldest Woman
Oh, you mean that Alexandria! Dreamboat, you're here!
