Van quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Louie! [raises a chewed up piece of lamb] Wh... what is that? What is that? Did you bite that? Look! That's one, that's the other! IT'S ON THE SAME FUCKING TABLE!

(interview) Louie's lost. He's out of his league.

What's all that lamb here? Look at this! Hey, Van! You and Joseph! STOP! Look... at... this! Look! LOOK! LOOK! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! LOUIE!

Yes, sir?

Fuck off back there. GET OUT! YES, get FUCKED, pile of SHIT! Hey, get upstairs, get your bags packed.

Can I help? Can I help in the kitchen?

Yeah, you can help me: GET OUT!

(interview) You want me out? You want me to pack my fuckin' bags? I'm out. My bags are packed. HE CAN KISS - MY - FUCKING - ASS!

With the kitchen at a complete standstill...

It's like a bad dream.

Chef Ramsay is left with no choice.

(to Joseph) SWITCH IT OFF.

Yes, chef.

(to the red team) Fuck off.

(interview) Anybody sitting at home thinking they can do this...Good luck. It's tough.

(interview) I've never had a dinner service like that. It was a complete and utter nightmare.

Chef, he's going to the wrong table.

Oh, no. VAN, COME HERE!

(to a Red diner) I'm going to get yelled at right now, but I'll be right back. [returns to the pass] (to Gordon) Yes, chef!

That's the Red table. You're running the Blue. Hey Bozo, give me one scampi special on the right table.

Yes, chef.

Thank you! (to Jean-Philippe) Hey, what's the matter between you two?

There's a language barrier there.

What do you mean a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!

I know, but he's from Texas. [Gordon rolls his tongue around]

(to Van) Don't run in the restaurant, please?

(interview) Jean-Philippe better stop trying to tell me what to do. I know that.

I'm going to explode. I'm going to explode, my friend! Listen to me!

(interview) WHOA, WHOA! JP! He's about to like pound him down. DAMN!

(to Van and even turns red) Listen! Listen! LISTEN TO ME!

(interview) I cannot believe I'm seeing this.

Listen to me!

(interview) He's going to fucking hit him.

(to Van) We have a problem here!

(interview) Hit him!

(to Jean-Philippe) Don't touch me, bro! You better get out of my face! (JP pushes Van)

OI! Hey, stop! Hey both of you, come here! (referring Van) Bozo, both of you, come here! NOW!

I'm going to fuck you up, bro. (interview) We're going to get it down and it's going to be a first round knockout.

What's is going on?

(referring Van) He's got no respect, Chef.

DON'T SHOUT! [shouting] WE'RE IN FRONT OF THE CUSTOMERS NOW!

I'm sorry, Chef.

He's not respecting his dining room, Chef.

(interview) Bitch, shut the fuck up. He thinks he's some kind of boss man around here and he ain't nothing.

(to Van) Calm down, listen to him. (to Jean-Philippe) And you, pay a little bit to respect. [points to Van] And if you do your job, [points to Jean-Philippe] And if you do your job, we'll come together. 'Cause right now, you're turning the whole place upside down, are you going to do it?

(referring Van) If he listens to me.

(to Jean-Philippe) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?

Yes, I will if he listens to me.

(to Van) ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT?

Yes, chef.

Last chance.

[Letting Van out of the pantry first] Ladies first.

One roasted crown chicken.

Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.

[sees that the chicken is burnt] It's burnt, the chicken.

Is it?

It's crispy and burnt. Oh, my God!

Damn.

[calls the Blue team] Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!

(interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.

I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!

Yes, chef.

Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!

(interview) When Chef Ramsay says "You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!" That's embarrassing.

Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.

With no cooking required...

GO! GO! GO!

...both kitchens...

Five more right here.

...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.

With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.

A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?

Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!

(interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like [imitates a machine gun] blow us all away!

The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me. You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand. And what's the point of going on? Shut it down.

(choosing which chef to nominate) I don't know. Van's the one that almost punched JP. (to Van) I think you need to be up there.

Fuck you, Jim! Dude, I don't give a fuck-

Dude, I'm just saying-

I'm just fucking saying, bro.

You can't almost- You can't almost punch a waiter in front of the dining room!

I'll punch you in your face!

That's how you're going to go out? You're going to come at me?

Suck my fucking dick. What you wanna do, bro? STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT! You're about to get fucked up, bro. [mocking Jim's decision] "Oh, I think you should go up there." Bitch, I was out there rocking the dining room. They love Van!

(interview) Van's a powder keg. His temper starts going, and then he has this fuck-the-world attitude.

(while walking away from the blue team) Stop looking at me like that, bro. I'ma fuck you up.

(interview) Burn yourself out, dude. Burn yourself out with all that anger.

(to the blue team about Van's meltdown) You don't talk to your team like that.

I need double risotto made while I make a crepe.

(working on his meat entrées) I can work your risotto; give me one minute.

Get over here one second; I'm ready to go.

You got two risotto here?

Yes, two risotto.

(works on the risottos) I got it. (interview) I said I was gonna help Andy all night, but, uh... I'm really getting pummeled.

Lamb, please!

Comin' right up!

Where's the tagliatelle?

Right here.

Where's the risotto?

I have a risotto.

Where's the steaks?

And steak!

Lamb! (claps hands)

Let's go! Risotto, please!

Yes, Chef! (runs back-and-forth between all his dishes)

(interview) Dave's running around in the kitchen all crazy, slidin' around. Dave's got one arm, but that boy can cook!

Tagliatelle!

Yes, Chef! Right here!

Now! (claps hands)

Coming up right up to the window, Chef! (rushes the lamb and sauce to the pass, along with the tagliatelle) Tongs! Give me tongs, please! (someone hands him tongs) I got it! (rushes the tongs to the pass and puts them in the tagliatelle) Tagliatelle in the window.

(tastes the risotto) Dave! Don't take this the wrong way, but you're ten thousand times better cook with one hand!

(interview; fist-pumps) WOO!

I'll finish two crepes.

(interview) Andy was just fucking up all night long. He's just turn into a disaster. (to Andy) Bring one crepe up, and I'll follow with another.

Andy, what aren't you doing anything?

He's (Kevin) assisting me, chef.

You're not assisting him, you're doing it! And he's standing there watching you. (to Andy) Hey, you! Hey, come here! Do me a favour: FUCK OFF! UPSTAIRS! GET OUT! PISS OFF! (to the remaining members of the Blue team) Anyone who acts like a fucking idiot can piss off! (to Van) Hello! Are you listening?

I'm listening chef.

Next fucking person out! Concentrate!

Yes, chef!

Can I give you my idea for the salmon?

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

(interview) I definitely feel like an outsider.

Van, come here! Straight away! Two three's are what?

Two three's?

Two times three?

Two three's?

Two three's are what? Two times three?

(interview) I'm kind of confused on that right now. (to Gordon) What?

Van!

I don't understand chef.

You don't understand two times three?

(interview) I can count, yes. (to Gordon) Yeah, it's six.

So you gave me seven--

I gave you an extra. I'm sorry, it won't happen again.

Dumbo!

Van, so you started to sear on the sea bass. Come here! Quick and you leave it there! You're searing a sea bass!

It's big.

LISTEN TO ME. [kicks bin - again]

Yes, chef.

We haven't sent the appetisers!

(interview) HERE WE GO AGAIN! NEW FUCKING NIGHT!

(to Van) Hey! I'm watching you like a horn fucking eagle! Poissonier! Let's go.

Coming up, chef.

Scallops!

Coming right now, chef. [beads of sweat fall on his scallops]

Van! VAN! NO, NO, NO, STOP! Come here, you're sweating in the food!

It's hot, chef.

I know, it's fucking hot! (throws his spoon down) YOU'RE SWEATING IN THE FOOD!

(interview) Man, I was sweating my ass off. (flashback of Van's sweat falling on his scallops) I own there to win the food.

(to Van) What's wrong with you? Serve them? By the way, you got a little touch of Van that one. Look at me, HELP ME OUT HERE!

(interview) I'm out there busting my ASS, bro, I'm sweating my ASS off! (to Gordon) I'm working as hard as I can do for you, chef.

You're sweating in the food, Van!

(interview) He makes me look like a bitch constantly.

Send the whole fucking lot back, Scott, I can't go like this again.

Hey, Ariel, can you go up in two minutes?

Yes.

Good communication!

(interview) Save it 'til the end of service, Chef! You're making me blush!

Two scallops, let's go!

(walking to the pass with his scallops) I'm going up!

Two minutes, counting down! (interview) What's my name?

Tennille!

(interview) Tennille~!

Somebody's taking my fucking lead! The person I least expected to!

Tennille has impressed Chef Ramsay with her communication.

Coming up with two lamb and sauce right now, Chef. (brings the lamb and sauce to the pass) Lamb on your side, Chef.

Now she hopes to impress him with her cooking.

(plating the lamb) That lamb's perfectly cooked.

(interview) The first time I hear Chef say "This lamb's perfectly cooked", I'm like, "Stay perfect! As soon as you slip, you know what he's gonna do?! SHOVE THAT LAMB UP YO' ASS!"

(gets Ariel's garnish pan) Just stop! Come here, come here. ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!

Yes, chef.

(points to Ariel) You.

I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.

Look!

(interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.

What the FUCK are you doing? It's in front of your FUCKING eyes! (throws the pan in the bin) This is not possible! NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!

Yes, chef.

(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce) WHO THE FUCK'S GONNA EAT THAT? (throws it in the bin)

(interview) Black and burnt salmon garnish. (during service) Lettuce needs about 2 more minutes. (interview) It doesn't get much worse than that.

Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]

Is that it? Or what?

Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.

Not worth it.

Fuck them.

What the hell is going on here?

Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.

They're gone. So, are they coming back?

I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.

Van, quick question, what do you have against maitre d's?

(laughing) (shows a flashback when Van is about to fight against Jean-Phillippe) Where is whistle britches at?

I've got an Italian one.

Oh yeah, Italian one.

Don't hit him.

All right, All right.

Okay?

I'm gonna be good.