Dave quotes from Hell's Kitchen

Jim!

Yes, chef?

Look at me. Three scallops cut in half means what?

Six pieces.

I've got four! Are you doing this on purpose to get me going?

No.

(interview) Don't insult Chef Ramsay's intelligence.

So look at me. Count to six for me.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

Louder!

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!

THEN WAKE UP!!

Yes, chef. (interview) I just wasn't paying attention. Ones and twos, and threes and twos, and I thought I had yahtzee at one point.

Jim, one minute out, drop six pieces of scallop.

Yes, chef.

Enjoy it.

It's a treat to be sitting here by Chef and not being screamed at.

Trust me, each and every service, you're going to get stronger. Have you any idea how much shit I've taken in the kitchen? And the more I took, the better I became.

(interview) What am I learning by shooting shit? Nothing. What gets accomplished by running your mouth? Not a thing.

I didn't come here for lunches you know. That's not what I'm here for. I'm not going to lose my eye on the prize.

Well, we're fired up too, man. I'm not relaxing because I get to have a good nice lunch with the chef.

It's good to get out but I don't really care.

(interview) Joseph, he's a complete dick. He's a little hotheaded, and he's being a little too intense in the way he disrespects Chef Ramsay.

One roasted crown chicken.

Yes, chef. I'm ready for it.

[sees that the chicken is burnt] It's burnt, the chicken.

Is it?

It's crispy and burnt. Oh, my God!

Damn.

[calls the Blue team] Hey, come here you! All of you! Both kitchens are down and they're waiting. So we're standing here and we got fuck all going out! Nothing! That's where I draw the line. I'm about to do something I've never done before in Hell's Kitchen!

(interview) It's a desperate time. I don't know what's going to happen. For all I know, we're all going home.

I have no option now! There's one fucking thing that you can do here, it's a fucking shrimp cocktail. Do you know why? Cause it's not cooked! Give me a fucking shrimp cocktail!

Yes, chef.

Give me some shrimp cocktails now. Jean-Philippe! I'm serving shrimp cocktail. At least they're going to get something to eat! Hey you, nothing cooked! Nothing seasoned! Crushed ice in a glass with ketchup!

(interview) When Chef Ramsay says "You know what, stop cooking and just send out cold stuff!" That's embarrassing.

Let's go. Shrimp cocktail. Let's go.

With no cooking required...

GO! GO! GO!

...both kitchens...

Five more right here.

...manage to get shrimp cocktail to the dining room.

With the compliments of Chef Ramsay.

A shrimp kind of night. Isn't it?

Hey ladies, come here. Hey, come here! Come here!

(interview) Everybody's like freaking out! Like Chef Ramsay's going to walk over with a fricking machine gun and like [imitates a machine gun] blow us all away!

The entire fucking dining room has shrimp cocktail. That's a first for me. You just turned my restaurant into a shrimp stand. And what's the point of going on? Shut it down.

Gentlemen, I can't wait for a fantastic dessert. I hope it's substantial. You've probably saved the best until last.

(interview) Man, that had better be a giant piece of chocolate something, to beat us!

(interview) I was worried, the girls had some really nice stuff. This has got to kick some ass.

(interview) I make an apple fruit compote every day of my life. No problem.

Oh, come on. What is that?

(interview) When Chef Ramsay laughed, it definitely like, stung. I felt like a loser. (Ramsay samples the dessert) Chef, we have an egg white crepe filled with a fruit compote, and we have a blackberry and vanilla yoghurt cream.

It tastes... foul. That's the kind of crap they serve when you have a heart bypass or an ulcer operation, that is a joke. Back in line, Dave.

All of you! Come here, come here, come here. Come here! (to Kevin) Hey, Kevin, you're starting to piss me off! PUT IT DOWN! When I ask you to stop with you're doing, you better fucking stop it. Come here! Cocky. OUT OF THE WAY. (grabs a rabbit) Fucking raw! (throws the rabbit on the floor) (Kevin) Happy now? You're standing there tossing your tagliatelle to make yourself look good, I'm serving raw rabbit, CHEF?

Understood, chef.

(to Robert) You! Fuck off.

Yeah? Yes, chef.

DON'T START ACTING LIKE A BABY OVER IT!

I'M NOT ACTING LIKE-!

SHUT IT! SWITCH IT OFF! ALL OF YOU, YOU'RE DONE!

Fuck!

Okay, guys! Away now: the halibut, sea bass, and two lamb!

I'm not gonna make it on potatoes! I'm out of mash!

You'd better find a way to make some mashed potatoes right now!

Can anybody help me with potatoes?

I'll get the potatoes!

Thank you!

(interview) Andy ran out of mashed potatoes, so I rushed into the back of the house and grabbed some. (returns to the kitchen with a container of potato pieces) I got all these potato ends, I could make mash with that.

(to Andy and Dave) I just want you to know that I am fucking handcuffed right now because we need to wait on potatoes.

(walks into the Blue Kitchen, unaware of what happened) Wait, what's the matter?

We're waiting on potatoes.

Potatoes?

I'm gonna make 'em really fast. Really fast!

We're now fucking standing still with no mashed potato. Whistler, here I come. Yeah, fucking useless... (to Andy) Hey, you. (gives him the come-hither) Do me a favor, yeah? Go and tell tables 15, 5 and 4, yeah? We're short on mash. Let's go! HURRY UP!

Yes.

FUCK OFF!

(to the Blue Team) Watch my stuff, please. (leaves the kitchen)

GET IN THERE!!!

What else do we have to do?

AH! (cuts his finger when slicing a potato) Fuck me! FUCK!

Medic! I need a medic!

Are you serious?

Umm, it's just a cut, second on the middle thumb, middle finger. It's getting in the fingers too. (reveals that the tips of 3 of his fingers are almost cut off completely, and a dissonant chord plays)

(interview) Andy, like, the tips of his fingers were literally taken off. It was so deep and so horrible.

(Dispatching to the paramedics) I have Andy. He needs to go to the clinic and needs stitches on its all three fingers.

I need double risotto made while I make a crepe.

(working on his meat entrées) I can work your risotto; give me one minute.

Get over here one second; I'm ready to go.

You got two risotto here?

Yes, two risotto.

(works on the risottos) I got it. (interview) I said I was gonna help Andy all night, but, uh... I'm really getting pummeled.

Lamb, please!

Comin' right up!

Where's the tagliatelle?

Right here.

Where's the risotto?

I have a risotto.

Where's the steaks?

And steak!

Lamb! (claps hands)

Let's go! Risotto, please!

Yes, Chef! (runs back-and-forth between all his dishes)

(interview) Dave's running around in the kitchen all crazy, slidin' around. Dave's got one arm, but that boy can cook!

Tagliatelle!

Yes, Chef! Right here!

Now! (claps hands)

Coming up right up to the window, Chef! (rushes the lamb and sauce to the pass, along with the tagliatelle) Tongs! Give me tongs, please! (someone hands him tongs) I got it! (rushes the tongs to the pass and puts them in the tagliatelle) Tagliatelle in the window.

(tastes the risotto) Dave! Don't take this the wrong way, but you're ten thousand times better cook with one hand!

(interview; fist-pumps) WOO!

Can I give you my idea for the salmon?

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on.

(interview) I definitely feel like an outsider.

Come here, all of us! Just come here! Come here, all of you! Look, it's not... it's just... no, it's not about "oh"! (angrily smashes the halibut on the plate after someone (most likely Dave) says "oh" in disappointment) It's NOT about that!

(interview) Oh... dammit! Halibut splurged all over my face and like I have little tiny like bits of halibut in my eyes.

(gets Ariel's garnish pan) Just stop! Come here, come here. ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!

Yes, chef.

(points to Ariel) You.

I'm sorry, chef. I turned around for a minute.

Look!

(interview) That lettuce, I didn't even know the fucking burner was on. (to Gordon) Sorry, chef.

What the FUCK are you doing? It's in front of your FUCKING eyes! (throws the pan in the bin) This is not possible! NOT GOOD ENOUGH ARIEL!

Yes, chef.

(holds up a piece of burnt lettuce) WHO THE FUCK'S GONNA EAT THAT? (throws it in the bin)

(interview) Black and burnt salmon garnish. (during service) Lettuce needs about 2 more minutes. (interview) It doesn't get much worse than that.

Scott, clear out, come here. Fuck off. Fuck me. [he and Sous-Chef Scott exits the kitchen and restaurant]

Is that it? Or what?

Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that.

Not worth it.

Fuck them.

What the hell is going on here?

Can't take it any more. I cannot take it any more. Un-fucking real. Oh, fuck me. That's a first.

They're gone. So, are they coming back?

I can't take it anymore. Oh, dear.