Sam I Am quotes from Green Eggs and Ham

Whatever you do, don't spill the beans to Michellee.

Sam I Am

I thought you said you launched the beans out the ceiling?

It's an expression.

Sam I Am

[even more confused] 'I launched the beans out the ceiling'. I'm gonna have to learn more expressions.

E.B.

They’re not bad people. Can’t we just let them in until it stops raining? They could catch cold.

Michellee

Our bodies are 78% water, Elanabeth. A few more drops won’t hurt.

E.B.

Come on! We were having so much fun back the carnival. Can’t you trust me on this one?

Michellee

I trust you, E.B., but I’ll never trust that Guy again.

There's no way she'll ever trust me again. [To Sam-I-am] I never should have listened to you!

Sam

You really should try them in the rain.

Seriously?

Sam

The precipitation creates a sort of natural gravy that's literally mouthwatering.

That's a mini lightning rod! You'll zap us for sure.

Sam

Oh, IWB, inclement weather buddy, don't be so dramatic. It's totally safe-[ZAP!] ... [eats the burned food] Extra crispy.

Sam I Am

Yeah, that’s my best friend. Always ready to lend a helping hand or two.

Michellee

Didn’t you guys just meet?

Sam I Am

[jumps on the sofa] And didn’t you guys just meet? Think about it.

Michellee

Um, maybe I’ll go check on him.

Sam I Am

No, stay! Let’s make some dinner.

Michellee

Oh, okay. Wh... What sort of thing you like to eat?

Sam I Am

Excellent question. Green eggs and ham. It’s the dish that cannot mish.

Michellee

I’m vegan.

Sam I Am

Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize. How long have you known?

Michellee

No, no, I’m not ill. I just don’t eat things like eggs and ham. But we can make a vegan version of your favorite meal.

Sam I Am

Uh...

Michellee

Come on. How do you know you won’t like it if you never tried it?

Sam I Am

I like the way you think. Let’s give it a whirl!

Michellee

[stammers] I can’t believe it! A jailbird?

Sam I Am

Okay, I see you’re very focused on Guy right now.

Michellee

Yes! He’s in there with my child. A jailbird!

Sam I Am

Quick reminder, Guy got arrested on purpose, just to save me!

Michellee

Jailbird!

Sam

So, Guy tells me you're a bean counter. Fascinating. Tell me absolutely everything there is to know, starting right now. [He grabs a chair and sits on it]

Michellee

Well, it was a very interesting job, and I've been doing it for eleven... [Sam starts to nod off, then jolts awake] No, no, actually, 11.5 years now. I began as a number cruncher... [Sam pours a cup of coffee and takes a sip, but it fails to keep him awake and he drifts off again] And I cut my teeth on the soft numbers before they got crunchier. [Sam pours coffee onto his eyes] Anyway, after that I climbed the corporate ladder, one rung at a time. The first rung was kind of slippery. [Sam does jumping jacks, but is on the verge of falling asleep yet again and falls off the chair, down the back of the couch]

Sam

I'm awake!

Sam I Am

Did you know he could do that?

You should see what he does to a hotel room.

Sam I Am

Whoo! We are home free. Everyone knows goats can't climb.

What kind of wildlife expert are you? Goats are known especially for their climbing!

Sam I Am

That is an outdated stereotype, and I prefer not to perpetuate it.

Michellee

Hey! Are you ready to get this show on the road? Because we’re all packed up over here. We’re just a couple of packin’ fools! [chuckling] We’re wacky packers!

[sighs] We can’t go with you.

Michellee

What? But... you can’t why?

It just seems to me that we’d all be safer if we... [inhales] ...if we went to Meepville separately.

Michellee

But I... I thought we agreed. Safety in numbers, am I right? Guy, if something’s wrong, you can tell me.

I’m sorry, but you two should leave right now.

E.B.

I thought we were all gonna go together.

Sam I Am

Uh, change of plans. The four of us are too much fun for one car.

Michellee

I guess that’s it then.

Trust me. We’re all just... We’re all just better off on our own.

Sam I Am

[realizing Guy is in a sheet tent on a branch of his treehouse] I love a good sheet tent. [makes his way over there with an illuminated pinwheel and a plate of green eggs and ham] Back when I was a kid, I built one with my mom. Yeah, we'd-

Sam I Am

We'd snuggle up tight, and she'd make shadow puppets on the wall.

[still upset] Sounds like an amazing family.

Sam I Am

Just like yours.

They're amazing, all right. That's the problem. They're... They're all huge successes, and the only thing I've ever succeeded at... [looks over his shoulder] ... is failure.

Sam I Am

[trying to stay positive] At least you're the best at something, right?

[annoyed] You heard how they are with me, all the phony flattery. [looks away again] What they really mean is I'm a disappointment. Always have been.

Sam I Am

That's not true.

You don't have to say that.

Sam I Am

Guy, I mean it. You never disappointed them. They're just a little sad to see you give up, because they know how great and creative you are, and they hate to see you throw that away. [puts a hand on Guy's shoulder] They love you, Guy. Believe me. You're lucky to have them.

[sighs and pulls away] You don't understand.

Sam I Am

[after a brief silence] I do. [sighs, sadly] I know exactly how lucky you are... because... I never had a family.

[jerks his head around, shocked] What did you say?

Sam I Am

[guiltily] I made it all up.

But what about the sheet tent story with your mom?

Sam I Am

[shaking his head] There was never a sheet tent.

[finally turning around to face Sam] Or the stuffed animals she bought you at the fair, and-and the juice you spilled that you were sorry for, and your imaginary friend, Reggie, who she pretended was real?

Sam I Am

[ashamed] I made him up too.

Sam I Am

I never told anybody this before but... when I was very little, my mom... [holds back tears] ...left me at an orphanage. It's always just been me. I mean, at least until I met you.

[concerned] Do you remember anything about your parents?

Sam I Am

I remember my mom... a little. Just one thing.

What?

Sam I Am

It's not important.

Go ahead.

Sam I Am

It's silly.

[gently] Sam.

Sam I Am

[looking at the green eggs and ham on the plate before him] She made me breakfast.

I bet hers... were really good.

Sam I Am

[smiling wistfully] The best. Really green. Super eggy. [picks up one of the eggs with his fork; his face falls] I've been trying to find her all these years, so I could ask why, you know? Why she gave me up.

Sam I Am

I'm sure it's a good reason. I just... really want to know. So I keep ordering them, and I keep trying them. [eats the egg on his fork. After he swallows, he holds back his tears again] But they're... never hers.

[softly] Keep trying, Sam.

Sam I Am

I will.

E.B.

I bet he really misses his mom. Don't you think?

Sam

I know I would.

Welcome to the Gravy Boat, where we go overboard to serve you. May I take your order, Captains?

E.B.

I'll have the green eggs and ham, please.

Sam

Whoa! Way to go, E.B. They are excellent on a boat. Let it be two orders, matey, and I'll take mine over hard.

Sam-I-Am

The goat is on the boat!

Goat

I'm on the boat.

Stop talking.

Sam I Am

But, Guy--

No. Everything you ever told me is a lie. You're a wanted criminal!

Sam I Am

It's nice to be wanted?

[Grunts] But how could you sell Mr. Jenkins?

Sam I Am

When I stole him, he wasn’t Mr. Jenkins yet. I made the deal with Snerz, before I get to know the big fella.

[Horrified] Snerz is the collector? As in “SnerzCo”?

Sam I Am

Yes. But, the plan now is to reunite Jenkins with his family on Chickeraffe Island! Promise.

I want to believe you, but I can't.

Sam

You have to. I may not be able to find my mother, but Jenkins's mom is a balloon ride away! Please. You can trust me.

... ... No! Just get out of here! And leave Mr. Jenkins with me.

Sam

I can't do that. They'll put him back in a zoo.

You listen to me, Sam-

Sam I Am

[cheerfully] Ah-ah-ah. That's your hupset voice. You get upset when you're hungry. Good thing I brought these. [brings out Green Eggs and Ham, making Guy even more angry] Ta-da! They're really good right... [puts plate on desk in front of Guy] there, I'll bet.

... [fires burns in his eyes as he starts to lose it] I do not like them, Sam-I-Am!

Sam I Am

But you could.

[Slams his fist on the table] I could not, would not, on a boat! I will not, will not, with a goat! [Smashing Green Eggs and Ham] I will not eat them in the rain! I will not eat them on a train! [hurls the smashed green food at a wall] I do not like them here or there! I do not like them anywhere! I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM! I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM!

Sam I Am

So... that's a no?

Sam I Am

Okay. I know you're not happy about the little setback in our relationship.

We have no relationship! It's not us I'm worried about!

Sam I Am

I'll tell her you're innocent. She'll believe me.

Oh, really, Mr. Furry Foot Bandit? Who's she supposed to believe? Hector Jive? Bamboozle McHoaxypants?

Sam I Am

I only use Bamboozle McHoaxypants for hotels.

Why do you have so many aliases?

Sam I Am

Because nobody's... nobody's ever wanted me to stay the same person before.

Sam I Am

Nobody's ever stuck around long enough.

... Well, there's a reason nobody's ever stuck around this long, Sam! Believe me, I know! Because I've tried! I've tried you as a friend, and you don't fit! You don't fit anybody! Not even your own mother.

Narrator

Oh, dear! Guy's just upset. I'm sure he didn't mean it.

[suddenly calms down, realizing he shouldn't have said that; remorsefully] Sam, that last bit...

Narrator

But those words crushed poor Sam like a peanut.

I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry.

Sam

No no no. You're right. Come along, Mr. Jenkins.

No! Wait! Sam, you can't sell him! [But they are already gone; McWinkle and Gluntz return] The collector... is Snerz. [the two BAD GUYS are surprised]

Sam I Am

Save yourself! Jump onto that ledge!

Never! I’m not going anywhere without that Chickeraffe!

Michellee

I know it’s hard to let go of something you love. But, sometimes you have to do it, even when it’s scary. You can do this. I know it. You can let go.

Nope! Gimme that! [struggling] He’s mine! Give me... [E.B. puts the friendship bracelet on Snerz] Huh?

E.B.

This is for your own safety.

Michellee

Oh! There he is.

Sam!

E.B.

Is Mr. Jenkins...?

Sam I Am

Heading home. I would never let anything bad happen to him. But someone didn’t believe me.

Sam, I am so sorry. You were my friend and I should have believed you.

Sam I Am

Mm-hmm.