E.B quotes from Green Eggs and Ham

E.B.

Oh, wow! You were right all along, Sam. They look weird, and they sound awful, but... Mmm! Green eggs and ham taste great! Come on. You need energy to finish your big mission!

Michellee

So, who’s excited about our big business trip?

Me. I am. Definitely. [hides the fishing pole] But... counterproposal, maybe I could just stay here.

Michellee

But I thought you were looking forward to seeing Meepville.

E.B.

You know, I’m just worried about the big city, where every step is a roll of the dice. Maybe I’d be safer here in boring Glurfsburg where nothing ever happens.

Michellee

Cheese-stuffed bamboo? E.B., this creature is not a pet. It’s terror on four feet!

E.B.

Chickeraffes walk on two feet, Mom.

Michellee

Of course. So they can use the other two to mash their prey into a fine paste. You are definitely coming with me to Meepville, young lady. And yes, the big city can be dangerous. Which is why we have these! [takes out the friendship bracelets] They’re Friendship Bracelets! [E.B. struggles to remove the bracelet and Michellee activates the magnetic pulse of the other]

Genu-ine Friend-ship!

Michellee

Fun! Right? [E.B. groans as Michellee drags her] This way, we can stick together and be safe always, like friends.

E.B.

Mom, slow down!

Michellee

Absolutely not! You never pick up hitchhikers on the side of the road, E.B., or anywhere else for that matter. [activates auto lock and E.B. turns off the auto lock]

E.B.

But, Mom, look at him. The poor guy’s stranded. [Michellee reactivates auto lock and activates the auto lock-auto lock]

Michellee

I will not look at him because taking my eyes of the road would make a dangerous situation even more dangerous, plus the tenor of his voice clearly indicates that he’s a deranged lunatic.

I’m not.

Michellee

Or a drifter hoping to make us pawns in his treacherous ruse.

Also not.

Michellee

And have you even considered the possibility that he’s a felon?

I’m sorry, but if you’re passing on the whole giving me a ride thing, you mind finishing this out of my ear shot? Your judgments are very hurtful.

Michellee

You’re right! That was insensitive of me. Anyway, good luck with the rest of your travel, Mr. Lunatic!

E.B.

Mom, wait!

Michellee

Buckle up your headbelt, sweetie. I’m kicking it into overdrive!

E.B.

Mom, stop!

E.B.

Green eggs and ham? Gross.

[with cathartic enthusiasm] Yeah! [laughs triumphantly]

E.B.

What?

No, it's just, um, you're a smart child. You have life figured out. Trying new things is the road to disappointment. Let me explain. Let's say you try something new, you might not like it. Or worse, maybe you're allergic to it. You develop a rash. You keep scratching, and it keeps spreading, until eventually, you're more rash than person. People start to call you "rash girl" behind your back. Worst part is, you don't do anything to stop it, because deep down, you know you have become Rash Girl. All because you wanted to try something new.

Sam I Am

Are you Rash Girl?

[indicating furiously to E.B.] No! I was talking about her!

Sam I Am

[whispering to E.B.] Pretty sure he's Rash Girl.

Sam I Am

Where's your mom?

E.B.

In the Boring Car, being boring. What are you doing up there?

Sam I Am

Funny you should ask.

Sam I Am

I'm, uh, sleepwalking! Wow! What a crazy dream this is! I am so not awake right now.

E.B.

This Bar Car looks super fun!

Michellee

Exactly. Stay close.

E.B.

Like I have a choice.

Sam I Am

Well, allow me to unstranger myself. I am Sam, Sam-I-Am. [Sam takes the menu away from Guy] This is my best friend in the whole world, Guy.

Michellee

Hey, wait a minute. You’re that sad and dangerous inventor who wanted to strap explosives to my child’s back.

E.B.

And the deranged lunatic from the side of the road.

Sam I Am

That’s him! And we are officially unstrangered.

Michellee

Honey, I don’t need you to punish yourself. I just need you to think before you run off like that.

E.B.

But Mr. Jenkins could have gotten hurt.

Michellee

You could have gotten hurt. Please, don’t ever scare me like that ever again.

Michellee

Oh... [chuckles] It’s very pretty.

E.B.

You think?

Michellee

I super think. Such a beautiful landscape.

E.B.

[sighs] It’s not a landscape. It’s a Chickeraffe.

Michellee

Oh. Oh, sure is. I see it now. I especially like how you drew his little foot right there, tearing out that guy’s eyeballs.

E.B.

That’s his nose. And he’s snuzzling me. How many times do I have to tell you? They’re not dangerous. [sighs] It doesn’t matter. I’m not even allowed to have a panda, let alone Mr. Jenkins. [crumbles up the drawing and throws it on the floor.]

Michellee

[picks up the drawing] Why don’t you let me help you with this? You know, your mom, well, she used to be quite a good artist back in the day.

E.B.

No, thanks. I’ll just watch grass grow.

Michellee

Oh, please! Who wants to go to a carnival?

E.B.

I do. Because carnivals are fun, and there’s one right across the road. But you’re ignoring it, because you have no idea what fun is. Because you’re no fun!

E.B.

Now that was legit fun.

Michellee

[sighs] It was. [gives E.B. a bruckle] Here, go get some fabric candy. Get a little bit of everything. Cotton, nylon, flannel, maybe even the poly rayon blend.

E.B.

By myself?

Michellee

Mm-hmm. But I’ll be watching you the whole time.

E.B.

It’s good to have you back.

I told you not to do anything!

E.B.

That's what made me want to do something.

E.B.

You must have done something cool in your really long life.

Not me! My inventions always blow up... (A girooster chomps at E.B. Who is running) ...your mom hates me.... (He continues running) ...and I'm an aspiring Paint Watcher! [slips, stumbles and continues running] See? They are better than me!

E.B.

Oh, there IS no way You're never gonna impress them with that dangerous attitu- [a girooster grabs her from behind] Uh-oh! Um, help?

No, here, here! Over here! [the giroosters don't listen] Chew me! Chew me! I'm the least impressive! [the other giroosters snap at E.B., but the one holding her makes it known that she's his alone and the giroosters fight over which one to get to chew first as E.B. Keeps screaming to overcome her fear] Oh-h-h, what gives you the right to judge us anyways? I mean, look at you! [the girooster holding E.B. Who is crying turns his attention to Guy] You haven't even evolved as a species, and you think you're better than us? [the other giroosters start looking at Guy as well] You still live in a shabby nest made of mud and leaves, give people rashes, making them itch, and, phew, who knows what else. And I mean, you seem to have a... a remedial semblance of a social order, but you're hardly civilized. I mean, have you even developed an alphabet?

E.B.

(Gulps to overcome her fear) Keep doing that!

[perplexed] Keep doing what?

E.B.

Whatever that is, keep doing it! Whoa!

[to the giroosters] Seriously, what have you done with your lives?! [and... ...BANG! the giroosters flanking the one holding E.B. turn away suddenly before they can take one big bite of E.B.] I mean... ...Huh... ..I hear you're decent bubble blowers. Huh?... (The giroosters brighten up and E.B. Feels a confused bit) ...But honestly, guys... (He gives a giroosters a evil smirk) ..blowing bubbles is no big whoop... [the giroosters all cringe] ..I'd treat her nicely if I were you.....

E.B.

[to the giroosters] Hi.

[to the giroosters] ...She's the smartest kid I know. A wizard of manipulation....

...And completely self motivated. All the ingredients for a bright, successful future, if channeled properly.... ...or else....

E.B.

Well! That was looking pretty dangerous to me!

Hand over the beans.

E.B.

They’re not bad people. Can’t we just let them in until it stops raining? They could catch cold.

Michellee

Our bodies are 78% water, Elanabeth. A few more drops won’t hurt.

E.B.

Come on! We were having so much fun back the carnival. Can’t you trust me on this one?

Michellee

I trust you, E.B., but I’ll never trust that Guy again.

There's no way she'll ever trust me again. [To Sam-I-am] I never should have listened to you!

Sam

You really should try them in the rain.

Seriously?

Sam

The precipitation creates a sort of natural gravy that's literally mouthwatering.

That's a mini lightning rod! You'll zap us for sure.

Sam

Oh, IWB, inclement weather buddy, don't be so dramatic. It's totally safe-[ZAP!] ... [eats the burned food] Extra crispy.