Narrator quotes from Green Eggs and Ham

Your adorable son...

McWinkle

...is in serious trouble. If you want to help him, tell us where that ferry is going.

KKaren

Why would I help you? You're the BADGUYS.

Darn right, we are! BADGUY proud!

KKaren

Well, then, I'm not telling you anything. You're bad.

[confused] I'm sorry. One more time?

KKaren

[equally confused] You're... bad?

What? Are you kidding me? [laughs] This lady. No, no, no, no, no. [indicates around McWinkle's grey-speckled middle] We're good.

KKaren

But you're the BADGUYS.

And we are good.

KKaren

No! You and that scary fella are the BADGUYS.

And we're good! See? [presents the business card to Karen]

KKaren

This says "BADGUYS".

Exactly. [flips it over to show the writing on the back of the card] It stands for Bureau of Animal Defense Glurfsburg Upper Yipville Section.

Narrator

That's a surprise. You got it all wrong. Turns out the BADGUYS have been good all along. I wanted to share that with you for the longest time. You have no idea how hard it was for me not to spoil it! Oh!

KKaren

Okay, to be fair, your name is a little misleading.

Gluntz? I get that a lot. It's a family name, shortened from O'Gluntzenburg by my great-great... ...great-great-great-grandfather. No wait. Sorry, scratch that. It was my great-great... ...great-great-great-great...

S1 E11 Boat

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GGuy

Stop talking.

But, Guy--

GGuy

No. Everything you ever told me is a lie. You're a wanted criminal!

It's nice to be wanted?

GGuy

[Grunts] But how could you sell Mr. Jenkins?

When I stole him, he wasn’t Mr. Jenkins yet. I made the deal with Snerz, before I get to know the big fella.

GGuy

[Horrified] Snerz is the collector? As in “SnerzCo”?

Yes. But, the plan now is to reunite Jenkins with his family on Chickeraffe Island! Promise.

GGuy

I want to believe you, but I can't.

You have to. I may not be able to find my mother, but Jenkins's mom is a balloon ride away! Please. You can trust me.

GGuy

... ... No! Just get out of here! And leave Mr. Jenkins with me.

I can't do that. They'll put him back in a zoo.

GGuy

You listen to me, Sam-

[cheerfully] Ah-ah-ah. That's your hupset voice. You get upset when you're hungry. Good thing I brought these. [brings out Green Eggs and Ham, making Guy even more angry] Ta-da! They're really good right... [puts plate on desk in front of Guy] there, I'll bet.

GGuy

... [fires burns in his eyes as he starts to lose it] I do not like them, Sam-I-Am!

But you could.

GGuy

[Slams his fist on the table] I could not, would not, on a boat! I will not, will not, with a goat! [Smashing Green Eggs and Ham] I will not eat them in the rain! I will not eat them on a train! [hurls the smashed green food at a wall] I do not like them here or there! I do not like them anywhere! I DO NOT LIKE GREEN EGGS AND HAM! I DO NOT LIKE THEM, SAM-I-AM!

[Sam and Mr Jenkins exchange glances]

So... that's a no?

[Guy groans in frustration]

Okay. I know you're not happy about the little setback in our relationship.

GGuy

We have no relationship! It's not us I'm worried about!

[Guy presents the piece of paper with Michellee's phone number on it]

I'll tell her you're innocent. She'll believe me.

GGuy

Oh, really, Mr. Furry Foot Bandit? Who's she supposed to believe? Hector Jive? Bamboozle McHoaxypants?

I only use Bamboozle McHoaxypants for hotels.

GGuy

Why do you have so many aliases?

Because nobody's... nobody's ever wanted me to stay the same person before.

[Guy glares suspiciously at Sam]

Nobody's ever stuck around long enough.

GGuy

... Well, there's a reason nobody's ever stuck around this long, Sam! Believe me, I know! Because I've tried! I've tried you as a friend, and you don't fit! You don't fit anybody! Not even your own mother.

[Sam gasps softly and Jenkins makes a sad noise]

Narrator

Oh, dear! Guy's just upset. I'm sure he didn't mean it.

GGuy

[suddenly calms down, realizing he shouldn't have said that; remorsefully] Sam, that last bit...

Narrator

But those words crushed poor Sam like a peanut.

GGuy

I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry.

No no no. You're right. Come along, Mr. Jenkins.

GGuy

No! Wait! Sam, you can't sell him! [But they are already gone; McWinkle and Gluntz return] The collector... is Snerz. [the two BAD GUYS are surprised]

S1 E12 There

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Narrator

Heads up, plot twist. Let me jump in before I can, before that guy spoils it.

PTPhilip Trousers

Not today, Pam I-Am!

[Philip flies away as Pam I-Am watches from down below. Sam stares in shock]