Brittany Pierce quotes from Glee

Brittany

[To Rachel] You look terrible. I look awesome.

Kurt

And we have a jumper.

Rachel

Guys, we have a serious problem. You know how I've been doing some deep background on Vocal Adrenaline?

Artie

Isn't that against the rules?

Rachel

No, not at all. Or…probably. Whatever! Anyway, what I figured out: I rooted through the dumpsters behind the auditorium and I found eighteen empty boxes of Christmas lights!

Tina

Oh, no.

Rachel

Which led me to the fabric store. I asked about red Chantilly lace; they were sold out.

Mercedes

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Kurt

Oh, my.

Will

What?

Kurt

They're doing Gaga.

Mercedes

That's it; it's over.

Rachel

Exactly!

Kurt

We should have guessed it. They're going for full-out theatricality. They know it's the easiest way to beat us. Damn them!

What's up with this Gaga dude? He just, like, dresses weird, right? Like Bowie?

Kurt

Lady Gaga is a woman! She's only the biggest pop act to come along in decades. She's boundary-pushing, the most theatrical performer of our generation, and she changes her look faster than Brit changes sexual partners.

Brittany

It's true.

Jacob

How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?

Quinn

Well, I'm happy to be back and ready to start fresh. And.. I'm a lot less hormonal, so there's not really any more crying.

Jacob

[noticing Santana's boob job] How was YOUR summer?

Santana

My eyes are up here, Jewfro. And it was uneventful.

Brittany

People thought I went on vacation but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Brittany

Stop the violence.

Will

Hey! Hey! Hey! [holding Quinn and Santana apart] What is this? What happened to being a family?

Santana

Oh, please! She has a family! She's a mother!

Quinn

[Will holds her back] Walk away and tight up your pony before you get to class!

Will

All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?

Brittany

He discovered America.

Brittany

I don't want to do Britney.

Kurt

Why no Britney, Brittany?

Brittany

Because my name is also Britney Spears.

Will

Wait, what?

Mercedes

What the hell is she talking about?

Brittany

My middle name is Susan. My last name is Pierce, which makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spierce.

Artie

I think I might be better at brushing and flossing if I could see myself in the mirror.

Santana

There you go, blue tooth.

Brittany

I don't brush my teeth. I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr Pepper was a dentist.

Brittany

This looks like the alien spaceship where I was probed.

Carl

Brittany, you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. It's got to be some sort of record.

Brittany

Please don't pull out all my teeth. When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby but with boobs.

Brittany

Can I have a blue toothbrush?

Carl

I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.

Brittany

Are you a cat?

Brittany

You're really hot.

You're sweet.

Brittany

And your breath smells really nice.

So does yours. And you know why? Because this is a fantasy.

Brittany

Wow.

Brittany

[touching Jacob's hair] Your hair looks like a Jewish cloud.

Jacob

[to Finn after Rachel walks away in her 'Baby One More Time' outfit] What do you want for her? I'll give you anything. I'll give you my house! I'll kill my parents and I'll give you my house!

Rachel

I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong, I shouldn't try to control you. I've just, I've never been this happy before. And I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work, I have to open up my hands and let you fly free.

Brittany

Finn can fly?

Kurt

Really?

Brittany

Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha.

Mercedes

[to Brittany] Shh!

Mercedes

I don't see what's wrong with getting a little church in here.

Quinn

I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I've turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks.

Santana

Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard-baby?

Brittany

Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Finn

You got a problem with Jesus?

Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick.

Santana

Hey Kurt, we're really sorry about your dad's heart attack.

Brittany

I did a book report on heart attacks, if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade 'cause it was written in crayon.

Finn

[Entering] What the hell happened?

Kurt

My dad's in the hospital.

Finn

I know. My mom just called me. I feel I'm the last one to know.

Kurt

I'm sorry Finn, but it didn't occur to me to call you because he's not your father.

Finn

Yeah, well, he's the closest person I'm ever going to get, okay? I don't know what it looks like to everyone else, but I thought we were sort of family. Look, I guess I just didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class.

Kurt

Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.

Mercedes

Look, Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God.

Kurt

You can't prove that there isn't a magic tea pot floating around on the dark side of the moon, with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?

Brittany

Is God an evil dwarf?

Quinn

We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right.

Kurt

I'm sorry Quinn. But all you can believe whatever you want to, but I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thought, but I don't want?your prayers.