I'm going to go make out in the coat room. Don't eat my chicken.
That's going on your tombstone.
S4Nag Hammadi Is Where They Found the Gnostic Gospels
If you're here, then who's this?
I don't know.
We have a stranger in our house!
Robert Downey Jr.?
Or a murderer!
Who needed a nap before committing his crime?
[answering the phone] Hello?
It's a complete disaster!
My existence?
Not everything is about you, Lorelai.
So who else is joining us?
No one. We brought one of Richard's coats to hang over the chair.
We're saying it's Marjorie's husband.
He's making the rounds and at about eight he'll get sick and have to leave.
Does everybody understand the story?
I think so. But then we'll have to hide his jacket. So I suggest I put it under my dress and pretend to be pregnant, then Jason can pretend to be the doctor, then Rory can dig a tunnel, and --
I might have known you'd turn this into something ridiculous, Lorelai.
Yeah, I wanna be the doctor.
S4The Incredible Shrinking Lorelais
Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses?
TTom
Very fragrant.
Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye.
Okay, well, I wrote something down here, but I cannot for the life of me read my own handwriting. Seriously, if I had this analyzed, Charlize Theron would be playing me in a movie… 'Cause I'd be a serial killer, and pretty girls like to get fat and play serial killers 'cause they win an Oscar and - I'm sorry, should I go on?
I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids.
JJanet
He does not take steroids.
You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly.
He's big, Paris. She got it.
And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again.
JJanet
Bitter little woman.
S4Scene in a Mall
I am sorry but you write less than the people offering to enlarge a piece of anatomy I do not possess.
I could have sworn I told you.
I just reread every e-mail you sent in the last 10 days. No sickness mentioned, but you did share these gems: "What up? Is it freezing there too? Ice". And, "Phew, Pooped". Then you added one of those obnoxious hieroglyphics that I can never read that indicate you're laughing or smiling or frowning or vomiting.
That's a typo. I don't do cutesy symbols.
You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.
Yours aren't much better.
SSalesperson
Mrs. Gilmore. Did I know you were coming?
Not unless you're clairvoyant.
Add an assortment of jewelry suitable for a man with a mustache. What would that be: bracelets, pinky rings?
Does Dad even want any of this stuff?
He doesn't know what he wants, Lorelai, so I choose what he wants. [stops in front of globe] Excuse me!
SSalesperson
Yes?
I want this.
SSalesperson
I'm sorry ma'am, that's just a display. It's not for sale.
Everything is for sale.
SSalesperson
I will take care of it.
S4The Reigning Lorelai
[Emily's friend "Sweetie" has just died.]
Was that her real name — "Sweetie"?
No, her name was "Melinda". "Sweetie" was a nickname.
Why?
What do you mean, why?
I mean, how did they get "Sweetie" from "Melinda"?
They didn't get "Sweetie" from "Melinda". "Sweetie" is a nickname.
Yes, I know "Sweetie" was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
She was sweet. That's the story.
Okay.
: She had a very sweet nature.
Hmm.
Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her "Sweetie". It's a good story.
No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's…
All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man — so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name "Sweetie". There, how was that?
Now, that was a pretty good story.
Nigella just made a raisin cake that looked so good, the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
Well, good, more ordering choices.
Oh, my God, she's about to deep-fry a Bounty Bar. I want to move in with her and call her Mommy. Do you mind?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gilmore Girls pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.