George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Adam

Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!

George

I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!

Adam

[scared] I don't want to play, sir.

Adam

Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?

George

Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wuss!

Adam

Hey, I am not a wuss. [George rips Adam's poem in half] My poem!

George

[to Adam] You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.

Adam

Who's Justin?

George

[stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...

George

So I walk in and there he is, Tommy "Rango" Durango, can you believe that? The conflict manager is my bully from grade school!

Angie

I would have loved to have met him George but SOMEBODY didn't wait for our E-ppointment.

George

I'm sorry Angie but I couldn't wait. You know this guy tells me that Carmen's problems are gonna blow over...but now I'm starting to think he's doing nothing on purpose to get back at me.

Angie

Why would he do that?

If I get expelled for this, you're dead! You hear me? DEAD!

George

[laughing] Don't drop the soap!

Ernie

What does that mean?

George

I dunno.

Angie

Come on George, you're being paranoid! I mean who holds a grudge for 30 years?

George

So you're not still mad that I forgot to wear my jacket in our wedding photo?

Angie

No.

George

Doesn't bother you at all.

Angie

Nope.

George

So you're over it?

Angie

Of course not. I'm just glad that the happiest day of my life was just Casual Saturday to you. Every time I walk by that picture, I die a little.

George

Well I'm glad you're still over it.

George

Carmen, what happened?

Carmen

I got into a fight with Piper. She kept called me a slut and then she pushed me.

Angie

Honey are you okay? You have blood on you!

Carmen

That's Piper's.

George

Really?

Carmen

Yeah, I punched her in the nose.

George

DAMN, my girl's a scrapper!

Angie

George!

George

Angie let me have this, she drew blood!

Carmen

I didn't start the fight, I didn't even WANT to fight her but, ugh, she made me. You believe me, right?

George

Of course we do

Carmen

Good, cause Mr. Durango didn't. I'm suspended.

Angie

Wait, YOU'RE suspended? That's not right.

George

See Angie, I told you, he's paying me back by getting at my daughter, you still think I'm being paranoid?

[walks in] Hey what's going on?

George

Carmen got in a fight, Mom.

Look, you have blood on you!

Carmen

That's the other girl's.

DAMN, my granddaughter's a scrapper!

George

Mom, we don't encourage violence in this house. [they secretly highfive]

Angie

Benny, take Carmen upstairs and help her clean up.

Sure. Let's go champ. [takes her upstairs]

Angie

Okay, I agree this Rango guy has a history with you and maybe he even thinks he can still bully you, but he has NOT messed with me before. He is gonna fix this and fix it now.

George

Don't tell you're going back to the website?

Angie

To HELL with the e-ppointment! When my baby gets hurt, I go medieval, we're going over there.

George

Lemme get my jacket-

Angie

Oh NOW you remember your jacket!

Angie

Mr Durango, I'm Angie Lopez, you know "Spuds" [points to George]

Glad you're here. We need to talk about your daughter.

George

Look man, no more talking. I told you i wanted those girls brought in and you didn't, and my daughter got hurt. NOW you're gonna do something starting with unsuspending Carmen.

I can't do that.

Angie

Yes you can, Carmen is the victim here.

She is not. I spoke to Piper and the other girls who were there, Carmen started the fight.

George

What?

Angie

That doesn't make any sense.

It does if you know that Adam broke up with Carmen to go out with Piper.

Angie

Piper and her friends are lying to you.

Well you're not exactly an unbiased party. So unless you have a witness to back up Carmen's story, I have to take Piper's word.

Adam

I started the rumor about Carmen because she broke up with me, then I saw Piper and her friends making fun of Carmen.

George

And?

Adam

Piper's lying. I saw her push Carmen and throw the first punch. She started the fight.

And no one put you up to this?

Adam

No sir.

Okay. Mr and Mrs Lopez, I'll talk to the vice principal and I'll get Carmen's suspension reversed. I'm sorry.

George

Carmen, get down here!

Angie

(to Benny) So, how did it go with the kids?

Was I babysitting?

Angie

Yes.

In that case, they were a handful. You owe me twenty bucks.

George

Carmen, good news.

Angie

You're not suspended. Piper is.

George

You can go back to school. Mr. Durango's gonna make sure none of the kids ever mess with you again.

Carmen

I'm not going back.

Angie

Carmen, everything is gonna be better now. Adam's gonna tell everyone that he lied.

Carmen

You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.

Angie

Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away. [Carmen walks over to the answering machine and turns it on]

[over the answering machine] Yeah. This is Jason. I'd like to leave a message for the school whore. [he and another boy start laughing]

George

Who are those boys? I'll get 'em suspended.

Carmen

[starts to cry] Then suspend everybody! You know what else happened today? A boy followed me in the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to do it!

Angie

[as she tries to comfort Carmen] Honey...

Carmen

Another boy pulled up my shirt when I was walking down the hall! [cries] Please don't make me go back. Please! [hugs George as she cries]

George

It's okay, baby. We'll figure something out. Go upstairs so your mom and I can talk. [Carmen goes upstairs]

Angie

She's not wrong. She can never get her reputation back.

George

I don't want to see her suffer like this for three more years.

Angie

Me either. What are you thinking?

George

Private school.

Angie

That's what I was thinking. Can we afford it?

George

No. We'll have to sell the boy.

George

Is there a George Lopez here?

You got it, man.

George

So you're George Lopez?

If we're playing 20 questions, it should be 20 different questions.

George

[taking a look at a T-shirt] How does that work for you, man? You having fun being George Edward Lopez?

I didn't say my middle name.

George

No, you didn't, did you?

Look, buddy, I got a button right here behind the counter.

George

Hey, press it. I want the cops to come. Because *I'm* the real George Lopez.

Dude, what are you talking about?

George

You went on the internet, got my information and stole my identity. You ruined my credit. What the hell is your real name?

[shows his license] It's George Lopez.

George

Anybody could get a fake license. Quick, what's your social security number?

Psst. [grabs a skateboard and walks out from behind the counter] I'm not giving out my social security number.

George

Why not?

Somebody might steal my identity.

George

Alright, I'll tell you mine. We'll say it at the same time. Ready? Go.

849-220-6460.

George

Oh, no, you're good.

Look, I don't know how this is happening. I got some credit problems, but... I'm not a thief, man.

George

Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Be at my work tomorrow at 9:00 AM. I wanna see your birth certificate, or I'm calling the cops. And if the cops don't find you, I will, and I'll kick your ass.

Kick all you want, dude. I skateboard. I can't feel anything down there. [George glares at him] I'll be there.

Max

Aunt Gloria kissed Dad!

Angie

That's how people say goodbye, Max.

Max

No, in the garage last night.

George

Ohh...

Angie

What?!

Max

In her nightgown. The red one, not the black one! Dad said we should wait 'til she left to tell you.

George

Left the city, man. Not the porch!

You like me?

George

Not really.

That's 'cause I don't let you in. You know, George, sometimes late at night, I'm balled up in the fetal position, I'm naked, I'm holding a double bourbon and I am crying like a baby. But you will never see that.

George

Thank you, Jack.

Max

No way. Vegetarians are left-wing nutjobs. They undermine the beef industry and put a lot of good, hard-working Americans out on their butts.

Angie

...What?!

Max

That's what my head ranger, Mr. Dugan, says.

George

Man, what are they teaching you over there? You're supposed to be learning about knots and wood carving.

Max

Wood carving? Ha! Try to get a piece of lumber nowadays, with all these liberal tree-huggers.

You know what I hate? You can't smoke in restaurants, but a mother can pull out her chi-chi's to feed a baby.

George

Dude, you still got cartoons on your underwear. No.

Angie

Where's Carmen? I want to talk to her.

George

I told her to stay in the living room until Marisol's gone.

Angie

Listen, I'm sorry, this was all my fault.

George

Nice try but you're not getting anything out of me.

Angie

George, it's not a trick, it's my fault, you can agree with me.

George

So we're never helping anyone out ever again?

Angie

Never.

George

If someone's on the side of the road and they're dying, what do we do?

Angie

Drive on by.

George

And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?

Angie

Wait until nightfall and let the coyotes get it!

George

[laughs] That's my girl. Well in about 10 minutes, This will all be over once Marisol's out of the house.

Angie

Hey, listen about that-

George

[interrupts her] NOOOO.

Angie

You don't even know what I was gonna say! I got an idea.

George

Angie, do you think the kids have favorites?

Angie

No, I think they love us both equally.

George

Hey Max.

Max

Hey dad.

George

Answer a question for us. Your mom and I are both drowning and there's only one life preserver.

Angie

George!