George Lopez quotes from George Lopez

Angie

You know, kids need to be kept busy, or sooner or later they get into trouble. There's a report out that says that most underage sex, drinking, and hooliganism happens between 3:00 and 6:00 PM.

George

Hooliganism? How old is that report?

Ernie

Hey, what are you doing?

George

Well, I'm still trying to find my dad. So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers up in Northern California. What do you think? "I lost my father as a boy, mother told me he was dead. Found out he's alive, am now seeking to re-unite with him. Manny Lopez, 5'10", latino male, mid-50's. Will pay for any information leading to contact.

Ernie

Hey, take a little advice from somebody who's written more than his fair share of personal ads. They charge you by the word. You can say the same thing with a lot less.

George

"Boy seeking latino male. Will pay for contact."

Ernie

Well, at least it grabs you.

George

Yeah, but where?

Angie

Just write the check and we can go to the PTA meeting tonight.

George

Alright. I don't want anyone making fun of Max. But this has gotten way out of hand. Not to mention, 500 bucks down the drain. That's a month of groceries. Couple months of gas, a new set of tires. 500 items from the 99 Cents store.

Angie

Sign it.

George

...25 anniversary gifts.

Man, you're still frozen on this website. What's... "Find a Family"?

George

Oh, I'm trying to find my father. It turns out he's alive, man, my mom's lied to me my whole life.

Your mom's behind you, G.

George

Mom!

I'm not going to lie. But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while all the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him. [points to George]

George

I gotta tell the kids I found their grandpa. Carmen, Max, get down here!

Angie

You know you have to explain about his partner, Charles, too?

George

Oh. Take your time, kids.

Carmen

What's up?

George

I got some great news and some interesting news. I think I found your grandpa.

Max

Really?

George

I might have even found you two grandpas!

Marisol

[on the phone] Hey Junior. Nah, that was that fool I was telling you about. It's okay, I can talk.

Marisol

Hey! That wasn't cool!

George

I KNOW HUH! Sorry, no personal calls at work!

[referring to Marisol] How's it going with Miss Home Invasion over here?

George

I never should've let Angie talk me into bringing this girl here! She's sarcastic, she's rude... she's like you but with estrogen!

I told you it was a bad idea to take her into your home, and it's a bad idea to bring her to work!

Marisol

Powers Brothers Aviation....[to George] It's Mrs. Lopez.

George

Oh, that's for me.

Marisol

Sorry, no personal calls at work. [hangs up phone]

I like her.

George

What's with all the seniors? I can handle dog smell but old people smell?

Angie

They're part of "Operation Christmas Rescue", they're wrapping gifts for disadvantaged children.

George

This is your third new charity, I thought you were only going to do a couple hours a week?

Angie

Well the gang people introduced me to the clothesdry people and it's really hard to say no when you're needed so much!

George

Alright, but just don't bring any of your charity cases in my office.

Angie

Why? What happened with Marisol?

George

She's horrible! You know that guy who got fired and then came back to try and shoot up the plant? HE had a better attitude!

Angie

You're just overreacting!

George

Oh yeah? Well her and Ernie were playing chicken with forklifts, except Ernie wasn't even in a forklift, he was just running.

George

[to Angie] I thought we were gonna watch movies tonight, I already rented some.

Angie

Well I can't right now, George.

George

Oh, this changes everything, I coulda gotten a movie I like. Instead of one that"ll..."Touch your heart and celebrate the triumph of the human- [snores]"

Angie

Alright, alright, that is IT. A week ago, you guys didn't need me for anything but as soon as I find something I wanna do, you're helpless! Carmen, there's a sewing book by the machine, FIGURE IT OUT. And Max, I bet if you cleaned your room, you would find your bookbag, and George, make your own dinner and watch your CHICK FLICK. Everybody stop asking me to do things you could be doing on your own! I swear I've never met a more selfish bunch of people. [storms off]

George

What are you looking at, mind your own buisness.

George

I said mind your own buisness!

Angie

[comes back] THEY'RE DEAF, GEORGE.

George

Were there any calls?

Marisol

Yeah.

George

Well, who called?

Marisol

I know, huh?

George

"The towers are moving and blowing the heating"... "The Powers are moving the Boeing meeting"!

Marisol

Hey! Now this other message makes sense!

George

Max, you wanna see the veins on grandpa's forehead pop out?

Max

Yeah!

George

Tell him how great Castro looks for his age.

Oh, hey, Mr. Peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. sharp.

George

I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

Angie

This is a big job. Shouldn't you hire professionals?

George

Professionals?! Angie, please! I got this!