Chandler Bing quotes from Friends

Monica

[referring to Ross' relationship with the much younger Elizabeth] Now, all jokes aside. Ross, where is this relationship going?

Chandler

Wait a minute. All jokes aside? I didn't agree to that.

I see you grew your hair long.

Monica

Yeah. Oh, that's right, you always wanted me to. I see you grew your mustache back.

Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.

Chandler

[to Richard's date] And you don't have a mustache, which is good. [laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand] Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.

Monica

You wanted it to be a surprise.

Chandler

Oh my...

Monica

Chandler... in all my life I never thought I'd be so lucky as to fall in love with my best -- my best -- There's a reason why girls don't do this!

Chandler

Okay, okay, I'll do it. I thought: wait, I can do this. I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that is that you -- you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me?

Monica

Yes! I knew you were likely to take a wife!

Joey

Can we come in yet? We're dying out here!

Monica

Come in! Come in! We're engaged!

Joey

Yeah, you are!

Chandler

You have had lot of sex right ?

Joey

Today ? Some, not a lot.

Monica

I've been thinking - it's not right for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding; you worked hard for that.

Chandler

I thought about it, too - and when I proposed, I said I would do anything to make you happy. And if having the perfect wedding will make you happy, then that's what we'll do.

Monica

But what about the future and stuff?

Chandler

Forget about the future and stuff. So we'll only have two kids; we'll pick our favorite, and that one will get to go to college.

Monica

You thought about that?

Chandler

Yeah.

Monica

How many kids were we going to have?

Chandler

Four - a boy, twin girls, and another boy.

Monica

What else do you think about?

Chandler

Stuff like where we'd live - like a small place outside the city where our kids can learn to ride their bikes and stuff, and we'd have a cat with a bell on its collar, and we can hear it every time it ran through the kitty door. Then we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey can grow old.

Monica

I don't want a big fancy wedding anymore.

Chandler

Sure you do.

Monica

No - I want everything you just said; I want a marriage.

Ross

[quietly to Chandler] How could you tell her?!

Chandler

I had to! We're getting married! Couples can't keep secrets from one another!

Ross

Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City!

Chandler

DU-UUUDE!!

Monica

What happened in Atlantic City?

Ross

Chandler and I are in a bar...

Chandler

Did you not hear me say DU-UUUDE?!

Ross

...and this girl is making eyes at him. After a while he goes over to her, and a minute later I see them kissing. Now you're thinking, "Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls!" And you're right, he's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls! [widens his eyes]

Monica

You kissed a guy?!

Chandler

In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy!

Ross

I laughed so hard...

Chandler

...that we had to throw out your underwear again?!

Ross

Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

Chandler

In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers!

Ross

Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and won!

Chandler

Ross came in fourth and cried!

Ross

Hey!! I welled up!

Ross

You find that funny? Maybe Chandler should know some of your secrets!

Monica

I already told him everything! You shush!

Ross

Once, Monica was sent to her room without dinner, so she ate the macaroni off a jewellery box she made!

Monica

Ross used to stay home every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!

Ross

Monica couldn't tell time till she was 13!

Monica

It's hard for some people!!

Chandler

Of course it is! [secretly backs off and mouths 'whoa']

Monica

Chandler once wore my underwear to work!

Chandler

HEY!!

Monica

I'm sorry! I couldn't think of any more for Ross!

Ross

In college, Chandler got drunk and slept with the lady who cleaned our dorm!

Chandler

That was you!

Ross

Whatever, dude! You kissed a guy!

Rachel

Hey, look, look. Phoebe's talking to "Cute Coffeehouse Guy."

Ross

You guys call him Cute Coffeehouse Guy? We call him "Hums While He Pees."

Chandler

Yes, and we call Ross "Lingers in the Bathroom."

Phoebe

[walks in] Hey, you guys -- "Hums While He Pees" just asked me out!

Chandler

Die Hard, still great!

Joey

Hey, what do you say we make a double feature?

Ross

What else did you rent?

Joey

Die Hard 2!

Chandler

Joe, this is Die Hard 1 again.

Joey

Ohh..well if we watch it a second time then it's Die Hard 2!

Ross

Joey we just saw it.

Joey

And?

Ross

And it would be cool to see it again!

Die Hard!

Chandler

Yeah, I just..i got plans.

Ross

Well, John McClane had plans.

Chandler

Alright, you see the thing is..I wanna get outta here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody "bitch".

Joey

What are you talkin' about...bitch?

Chandler

So uh, what did this woman look like?

Monica

She was like 30, dark hair, attractive.

Chandler

Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright, shiny thing called a mirror?

Monica

Come on, was it somebody maybe you dated in college?

Chandler

No, no I only dated two girls in college, both blonde, both not attractive… [Thinks a little while.] Hold on one second; let me check this out. [He gets up and grabs a photo album]

Monica

What are you doing?

Chandler

Well, let's see... [Finding the picture he wants] Okay uh, is that her? [Points to the picture]

Monica

Oh my God yes! Who is she?

Chandler

Julie Grath, my camp girlfriend.

Monica

Did you break up with her?

Chandler

[pause] No, we're still together. Yeah we went out for two summers, and then I broke up with her.

Monica

Why?

Chandler

Well, ‘cause she came back the third summer and she’d gotten really fa-aa-aw-ow…

Monica

Fat?!

Chandler

I did not say fat! I said, "Fa-aa-aw-ow…"

Monica

: You broke up with a girl because she was fat?!

Chandler

Yeah. Yeah, but it was a really, really long time ago! Does she still feel bad?

Monica

Well, apparently she does.

Chandler

Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget. [Monica is not amused by that statement] Seriously, good luck marrying me.

Ross

I hate to lecture you guys but it's kind of disgraceful that a group of well-educated adults, and Joey, can't name all the states. You ever see a map, or one of those round colorful things called 'a globe'?

Chandler

Magellan? You got 46 states.

Joey

[watching a discussion between Monica and a neighbor] Hey Chandler, do we know that lady?

Chandler

Maybe. Isn't she the woman who lives below you and has sex really loud?

Monica

[still talking to the woman] All right, I'll do it just this once! But you can't tell anybody!

[exasperated] Yes! Yes! Please, just give it to me!

Yeah, that's her.

Monica

Hey, do you think you can keep that suit a little longer?

Chandler

Santa? Really?

Monica

Yeah. Is that okay?

Chandler

Did your dad ever dress up as Santa?

Monica

No.

Chandler

Then it's OKAY!

Chandler

[dressed as Santa] My favorite part was when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt! [Joey, dressed as Superman, grins]

Ross

The Armadillo was actually not so thrilled about that part!

Phoebe

There it is. Look at that.. Isn't mother of nature amazing?

Chandler

That's a plane..

Phoebe

Well.. Allright.. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high.. That's pretty amazing too.