Frasier · Season 1
[Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]
My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
[on the phone] No, no, the storm's really bad, you shouldn't be driving in it anyway. No, you just spend the night there. Right, goodnight, Daphne. [hangs up]
You told her to spend the night?
Yeah, what's the problem?
Well, you know how Niles feels about her.
Oh, relax. It's just another one of Niles's little crushes.
Oh, I suppose you're right. Niles is harmless enough. Besides, he'd never try anything with Maris in the house.
Oh, Maris never made it back. She's stuck in Arizona.
[jumps to his feet] I've gotta get Daphne out of there!
Why?
Why?! My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
[Bebe narrowly avoids making an ageist remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]
You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
That's why I keep this cane.
[Eddie is heard barking.]
What's the matter with him?
He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
[to Eddie] Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!
I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
How about Florida?
I heard that.
People seem to like this Lazyguy.
Lazyguy, I wonder what they call the deluxe version. The Hopeless Slackass?
Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.
[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in Café Nervosa]
The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a mall.
That is alarming.
Well, I turned her down.
No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, aria and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]
The coulibiac of salmon at Guy Savoy, "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca, and the Côtes du Rhône Châteauneuf-du-Pape '47.
You are so predictable!
Niles, if Dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of Miller Lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
[Martin and Daphne enter.]
Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
And so am I!
All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, I've had a breakthrough.
[While brawling over thier inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]
My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
You stole my mommy!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Frasier pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
