Father Ted quotes

Father Ted

Dougal, look.

Father Ted

I am Chinese, if you please!

Father Ted

Come on, Dougal, lighten up! [Chuckles]

Father Ted

[pointing at the window] Dougal, there were Chinese people there!

Father Dougal

All right, yeah.

Father Ted

I mean, what... what...

Father Dougal

That's the Yin family. They're living over there in that old Chinatown area.

Father Ted

Chinatown area?! There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island?! Dougal, I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was gonna be a Chinaman there to see me doing a Chinaman impression!

Father Dougal

Why not, Ted?

Father Ted

Because... Because it's racist! They'll think I'm a racist! I'm gonna have to catch up with them and explain I'm not a racist!

Father Ted

And basically, if I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get this thing called "fat eyes." [the car drives around Ted and speeds away] I hope you don't think it was of a racist nature! Thanks now, see you, bye!

Hello there, Father!

Father Ted

Ah, hello Colm! Out and about?

Yeah. Same as yourself.

Father Ted

Good, good!

I hear you're a racist now, Father!

Father Ted

Wha-what?

How'd you get interested in that type of thing?

Father Ted

Who said I'm a racist?!

Everyone's saying it, Father! Should we all be racist now? What's the official line the Church has taken on this?

Father Ted

No! No-

Only, the farm takes up most of the day, and at night I just like a cup of tea. I mightn't be able to devote myself full-time to the old racism.

Good for you, Father!

Father Ted

What? Oh, Mrs. Carberry!

Good for you, Father! Well someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking and our jobs and our women, and acting like they own the feckin' place! Well done Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to feckin'... [slipping and sliding on the muddy ground] Feckin' Greeks!

It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!

Father Ted

I AM NOT AFTER THE CHINESE!

I don't care who he gets as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness!

Father Ted

LOOK, WE ARE NOT HAVING A GO AT ANYBODY! I AM NOT A RACIST, ALL RIGHT?! God!

FECKIN' GREEKS!

How's Mary?

She's fine, she got that job after all.

Great!

Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap. But the free drink, very much appreciated! Thank you Father Crilly!

Father Ted

Yes well, I just wanted to clear things up; I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas... priests... More drink!

Hooray!

Father Ted

To China!

Hooray!

To Craggy Island!

Hooray!

Father Ted

More drink!

Hooray!

I'm sorry, the bar's closed.

Hooray!

Father Ted

Tell you what, how about everybody goes back to my place for a drink?

Hooray!

Father Dougal

Wait, I need to go to the toilet first!

Hooray!

Father Ted

...I can explain everything! [beat] Actually, no, I can't.

Mrs Doyle

Do you think our new guest would like a cup of tea Father? The little sheep fellow. (laughs simperingly)

Father Ted

I don't think they drink tea Mrs Doyle. Not unless you have some sheep tea (laughs)

Mrs Doyle

Yes, we do have some sheep tea.

Father Ted

Oh. Well... you'd better... give him some of that, then.

Should I call the police, Father?

Father Ted

No. He's lost the trust of his sheep. That's punishment enough for a farmer who deals primarily...with sheep.

Father Ted

"God, Dougal, you should have seen him. He's just a shadow of a sheep..."

Father Dougal

"I'm not surprised, Ted. If I was a sheep, I'd be watching my back right now."

Father Ted

"Why?"

Father Dougal

"Because of the beast. They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so's it can leap up at you better. And you know what, Ted, it lights up at night and it's got four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of back-up ears. Its claws are as big as cups and for some reason, it's got a tremendous fear of stamps! Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on its tail, so's if you're made out of metal it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"

Father Ted

"DOUGAL! It's a legend, it doesn't exist!"

Father Dougal

"Right Ted, the way the Phantom of the Opera doesn't exist."

Father Ted

"The Phantom of the Opera DOESN'T exist!"

Father Ted

"If there's one place he can be absolutely assured of peace and quiet..."

Father Jack

AH, FECK! [Father Jack falls down the stairs shouting] Feck, feck, feck, feck, feck!

Father Ted

"I think it would be an insult to you if I were to finish that sentence."

Father Crilley! Hello there!

Father Ted

Fargo! (nods towards Chris the sheep) How's the champ?

Ah he's great. Few quid on him this year Father?

Father Ted

I put the entire annual heating allowance on him to win.

If he doesn't win... what does that mean Father?

Father Ted

Well... we won't have any heating. But if the rest of the year stays as warm as the summer, we're laughing!

Have you heard of this creature going around terrorizing animals on the island?

No! Tell me more.

They say it's as big as a jaguar.

The car?

No, the big cat thing. And its face is nothing but big white teeth as sharp as knives.

Has it killed yet?

No, but it's only a matter of time.

Hope it doesn't attack me and my sheep.

Not even a man's sheep is safe.

Oh dear.

Oooohhhh... (ie worrying sound)

Oooohhhh...

Oooohhhh...

Father Dougal

I think people will soon give up listening to pop music and listen to this type of thing instead.

Father Ted

You know, from what I hear the charts today, I'm not sure if that's happening already!

Father Dougal

(confused) What?

Ted

There were a lot of sloppy efforts in the best baby competition this year. A lot of very hairy babies.

Dougal

Well, Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before the show...

Pat

You wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?

Father Ted

Yes I...no I...if you're going to be...I...of course you, you...just feck off!

Father Ted

[trips over a brick Jack is dragging round on a piece of string] Wha... what's going on!?

Mrs Doyle

Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him! He doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground!

Father Jack

I love my brick!

Father Ted

Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing a new side to Father Jack? A more caring, considera--

Father Jack

Ah, feck it! Fed up with "briiiiiick"!