[After Father Dougal has encountered some naked women at the very begining of the episode; last line of the episode]
Those women were in the nip!
S3Speed 3
FMr. Fox
(Dougal's New Boss) You'd better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y'know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite.
Oh, Pat was wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.
What! How dare you!
Pat (raising an enormous adjustable spanner): Yes, too big for the milk float.
[In a menacing phone call to Ted] You got me sacked. And now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I'm not getting proper sex with girls!
"[after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air]" Ted! You forgot your brick!"
(referring to the baby competition) I thought the standard this year was rubbish.
It was awful alright. A lot of very sloppy babies, who looked as though they really couldn't be bothered. And the hairiness of some of those babies; It was a very hairy baby parade.
Exactly Ted, if people aren't even going to shave their babies before they come out, I mean...
(still laughing evilly in the phone box) Oh yes, I'm afraid you messed with the wrong milkman, Father. (puts on sunglasses) Well, if you don't mind, I'm off. Better get out the earplugs, Father, because when that milk float goes up (the bomb-rigged milk float, now with no driver, wanders up behind the phone box without Pat noticing), you'll hear it all the way to the North Po-
(The scene cuts to an Inuit man fishing in the Arctic. He hears a large explosion and looks around in confusion, indicating that the milk float has detonated, killing Pat. The scene then cuts to the parochial house telephone, which is now buzzing.)
S3The Mainland
Feckin' birds again.
(Jack is having his eyesight tested).
OOptician
Well I'm confused. His eyesight seems to be perfect. He read all the way down to the last line of the chart, and even I can't see that one.
(The chart is reavealed to repeat the word "drink" over and over.)
I see. Thing is, Jack has a great fondness for that particular word.
OOptician
Well, it's the first time I've used that particular chart actually. I got it free with a promotional crate of Carlsberg.
Okay, we'll come back and pick Jack up later. (They leave.)
OOptician
And now for a chart made by Slovakia's premier lens manufacturers, Feck Arse Industries. (She replaces the chart with a new chart which repeats the words "Feck Arse" over and over.)
Upon meeting Richard Wilson, a.k.a. Victor Meldrew
You know what he'd love? He'd really love it if someone came up to him and said his catchphrase.
Oh, yeah, Ted! He'd love that! You should definitely do that.
Should I?
Oh, yeah. I'd say no-one ever does that to him. He'll think you're hilarious. You know, this is one of those times where I'm absolutely, one hundred million percent sure that you'll be doing the right thing. I can safely say that you definitely, definitely won't regret doing that.
Okay, I'm going to do it. Will I?
Yeah, go on!
Okay, hold the camera.
[Ted walks over to Wilson, who is talking to a tour guide]
(yells loudly) I don't believe it!
[Wilson violently assaults Ted, and has to be restrained]
I'll bloody well kill you!
[Ted eventually escapes Wilson, and walks back to Dougal, looking shellshocked]
Well? What did he say? Did he laugh?
No. No, no, no. Not really. I'm going to sit down now.
[Father Jack is unwittingly attending an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
RRonald
At that stage, I was drinking over a pint of vodka a day.
YES!
RRonald
Yes. At that point, all I could think about was where the next drink was coming from.
DRINK!
RRonald
I didn't give a damn about my wife or kids.
Blehhhhh!
TGTour Guide
Now, this rock here is actually granite.
How long would that have been there?
TGTour Guide
Oh, many, many millions of years.
Really, as long as that? That is fascinating.
How come all the rocks are different sizes?
TGTour Guide
Well... you know, rocks are generally different sizes.
Wow! I'm finding out all kinds of things I never knew about rocks.
TGTour Guide
Of course, at this time, this whole area would have been submerged underwater.
How did everyone breathe?
They'd have had some sort of apparatus.
Oh, right. Wow, look at that rock over there!
TGTour Guide
This is actually the oldest part of our tour. This particular cave was formed more than fifteen million years ago.
Really? Wow, I don't believe it.
[the man in front of Ted turns around; it's Richard Wilson]
You again! [attacks Ted] Get out of it, I don't want to see you again! BASTARD!
TTony
(Losing patience) WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
(Offended) Well Tony, that wasn't very friendly. I don't think I like you any more. In fact, I'm putting you on my enemies list. (Gets out a notepad and begins writing). (Suddenly happy again) Only joking! See what I really wrote. (He shows Tony his pad. It reads "I REALLY like Tony".
FNFather Noel Furlong
[with only his hand visible] They were just going to find the tour operator, tell him I'm burried under a huge pile of rocks and be right back.
[cut to] :Aer Lingus staff: And that's four tickets to Paraguay.
There was a time when the police in this country were friends of the church; speeding tickets torn up, drunk driving charges quashed, even a blind eye turned to the odd murder!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Father Ted pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.