Cleveland Brown quotes from Family Guy

Peter

New shirt, Cleveland?

Cleveland

Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.

Peter

Wow, Cleveland, I had no idea you played baseball! Too bad you couldn't hit a home run with The Cleveland Show.

Cleveland

Well, it certainly wasn't a whiff.

Joe

More of a foul out.

Cleveland

It. Was. A. Double!

Cleveland

Whoa, Jerome. What's with the wheelchair?

Jerome

Well, it was date night with my ladyfriend. Put on some Teddy Pendergrass. One thing led to another. We started making love halfway up the stairs. Then, I lost my footing and tumbles down half a flight!

Quagmire

[appalled] Well! This is hardly a dinner conversation!

Peter

Whoa!

Cleveland

Careful.

Cleveland

Peter, where are we going?

Peter

[offscreen] Relax, it's our nation's capital. I'm just a fan of history!

Cleveland

Uh, Peter, what are you up to?

Peter

What? I just love our government! Or at least I used to!

Cleveland

You forgot your anniversary again.

Peter

Yeah, and what's worse, I lied and I told Lois I had an awesome gift planned for tonight. If I don't come up with somethin' amazing, I am so screwed.

Joe

Hey, you want to give Lois a treat? Popcorn-ucopia. Now, they're a little outfit out there in Fort Wayne, Indiana, family owned and operated for five generations over there in the "crossroads of America." Indiana's state motto. And get this. They make a metal cannister with three different kinds of popcorn, but they're separated!

Cleveland

Maybe you should just take Lois out to a fine restaurant.

Joe

Now, I can hear some of you saying, "Joe, why separated?"

Quagmire

None of us are sayin' that, Joe.

Joe

Okay, here's why. Three flavors of popcorn in one tin, and they don't mix. Unless, of course, you want them to mix. This is a home run, man.

Quagmire

[to Peter] Kind of short notice to get a good table in any restaurant.

Joe

I don't think you appreciate that they don't mix. Your caramel corn stays separate from your cheese corn, which stays separate from your corn corn. You see, in the past, you would need three tubs of corn.

Quagmire

Yes, we get it! We know about the corn, Joe!

Joe

[chuckles] Honestly, I don't think you do.

Stewie

What do you say we hit the Photo Booth and take a couple of funny photos? I've heard they have hilarious props.

No props.

Stewie

Yeah, no props, yeah.

Cleveland

[narration] But Stewie did use props. And they had a big fight about it, and it took a whole other wedding for them to make up again. I'm Cleveland Brown, and I know my show was better than this.

So what joo think? How'm I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?

Stewie

Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.

Hey, mailman! No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? The sound wakes me up from my DOGGY NAPS!

Cleveland

No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!! [crash] I'm not even the courier for your postal route. That's Laverne!