Brian quotes from Family Guy

Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.

Peter

Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?

Lois

Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.

Peter

If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.

You're good at sexualizing children.

Is that a problem?

No, that's a big part of online journalism.

Hi, can I help you find something?

Stewie

What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling-high library stacks.

Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.

Stewie

Yeah, I know that. I'm better than in every place.

Lois

Peter, you have to get a haircut.

Peter

Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.

Meg

I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.

You would what? And with who?

Meg

Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

[reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?

Peter

Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|

Peter

I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.

His name, you remember.

Peter

Okay, Brian. What do you get for me?

Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.

Peter

Boy, that's a brick on the backboard. Chris, what do you got?

Chris

I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.

Peter

Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heartstrings.

Lois

Do people bring husbands to these things?

You're not thinking of going without them, are you?

Lois

Honestly, Brian. These girls come from old money so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.

Well, [kills a bird and eats it] ...I'm still available.

Chris

I'm home from camp!

Welcome, home!

Stewie

Meg's been wearing your clothes.

Slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.

Stewie

Are you sure? Cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.

Hi!

Hola!

I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch!

I-I may have sent some weird DMs to Zendaya that I'd rather not see the light of day.

Stewie

Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya?

Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B.

I took a shower once. I was so young. When they put me in the tub, I figured it was just to rub my tummy. What a fool I was. They stripped me down like an animal, and that's when things got real. The water just kept coming. I tried to fight back, but I was half-blind from the soap. At first, Peter tried to bathe me from the side, but then he realized it'd be easier if he.. got in! When it was over, they just wiped me down with an old beach towel and threw me in the yard. I didn't get a parade. Hell, I didn't even get a chew toy.

Thank you for your shower.

Don't do this, Stewie. Once you get in that shower, you never come back!

Stewie

Sorry, but I'm taking a shower, with or without you.

Uh, we-we can't afford that U2 song.

Stewie

[sighs] Really?

But they will pay us to play one off their new album.

Stewie

Yeah, that's a big Bon-no.

Stewie

What do you say we hit the Photo Booth and take a couple of funny photos? I've heard they have hilarious props.

No props.

Stewie

Yeah, no props, yeah.

Cleveland

[narration] But Stewie did use props. And they had a big fight about it, and it took a whole other wedding for them to make up again. I'm Cleveland Brown, and I know my show was better than this.

Uh-oh! No tears means no cookies!

Chris

Which also means no cookie business!

Hi, I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness.

Meg

Oh, I... I think I'm all set.

Have you tried Sliquid feminine wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness?

Meg

Oh, no... no. I... I think we have different problems, dawg.

Chris

I'd hear her out. Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip.

Stewie

Chris, are you selling intimacy projects with Jamie Lee Curtis?

Chris

Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself.

Meg

It goes on dry?

Chris, we've got less than one minute to get you aroused.

Chris

Um... okay.

Stewie

Close your eyes. You're a 19th century heiress alone in her vast estate and awaiting a visit from the handsome vicar as her dear aunt has recently passed from consumption.

Chris

Yeah, that... that's... nothing.

[sighs] Well, I'm not proud of what I'm about to say here, but... go to YouTube and type in "Brazilian Women's Olympic volleyball team practice."