Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

Lois

My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.

Stewie

Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?

Lois

Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.

Stewie

Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Stewie

Stupid greedy savages.

Lois

Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

Stewie

Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

Meg

Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?

Peter

Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

Chris

[about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!

Lois

Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

Peter

[returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!

Lois

Careful! I just cleaned the floor.

Peter

Good thing. Huh? [laughs]

Lemony!

Lois

Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

...besides, this place is paradise.

Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter

Randy Newman?

Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois

Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois

[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Lois

Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

Peter

That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Lois

No, you didn't!

Peter

You win this round, Lois.

Lois

You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!

Peter

Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.

Lois

The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!

Peter

I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good.

Sure is hot. [removes her top]

And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois

Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter

Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Lois

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

Peter

Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

Lois

Peter!

Peter

I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

What? Women are things.

Lois

Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.

Peter

Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.

Lois

Then at least let me drive!

Peter

Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable!

Lois

Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris

Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois

[nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris

But I remember it so clear-

[loudly] It was a dream!

Meg

Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris

Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg

Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg

I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois

Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg

But, Mom!

Lois

Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Stewie

Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]

Lois

Chris, is that a note?

Chris

...No.

Lois

Yes, it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris

...No!

Meg

Just read it, lardo.

Chris

[reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois

Go to your room.

Lois

Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.

Stewie

Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells?

Lois

You're drunk again!

Peter

No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Lois

Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!

Peter

That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!