Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...

Meg

[unamused] Yeah, I heard you.

Lois

Alexa, what's in the news this morning?

Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to...

Lois

Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.

Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.

Lois

No way! Someone should tell his face!

I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.

Peter

[upset] No! I want Jerry!

Lois

Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.

Peter

[lying on the floor] I'm not gonna! I hate you!

Lois

[annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.

Lois

Peter, you have to get a haircut.

Peter

Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.

Meg

I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.

You would what? And with who?

Meg

Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.

Lois

Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?

I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then have unprotected sex with her boss at work.

Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.

Stewie

Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.

Lois

[offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.

[offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!

Lois

It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?

Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.

Peter

Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Oh my god, No.

Lois

Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...

Stewie

I know you don't understand me but I understand you.

Lois

[takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.

Stewie

[to Lois] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.

Meg

Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.

Peter

Wait...what is this?

Lois

Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.

Peter

Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.

Meg

Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.

Lois

Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.

Peter

Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.

Lois

How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise?!

Peter

This is a loud way to say thank you.

Lois

Do people bring husbands to these things?

You're not thinking of going without them, are you?

Lois

Honestly, Brian. These girls come from old money so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.

Well, [kills a bird and eats it] ...I'm still available.

Lois

Oh, good. Kids, you're just in time for breakfast.

Chris

No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00! I love a red-cheeked barbarian.

Lois

How 'bout you, Meg?

Meg

Can't. I'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. God, help me. I love the attention.

Lois

Well, I have the whole day. I guess I can watch The Office for so long that Netflix has to ask if I'm still alive.

Joe

[offscreen] Hey, Lois, is everything okay? Uh, our Netflix says your Netflix is worried about you.

Lois

Chris? What - oh, who cares? We're in Vermont till Sunday. Call if you have to but, like, let's not call.

Chris

Can we only brush our teeth for 60 seconds instead of the full 90?

Peter

You brush your teeth? Nerd.