Okay, final question. Team 3. Who is your child's favorite singer?
[puts his board up to show the crowd] The Price is Right Yodeler.
What? No. I said Adele. [puts his board up]
[the crowd laughs after the buzzer goes off]
LoisOh, this is more humiliating than my first day working at that Rice Pilaf Company.
[cut to a Cutaway Gag of Lois' first day at the Rice Pilaf Company]
Lois
I think we could start putting pilaf in other things.
BBoss
Lois, can I see you in my office for a second?
[we cut to the kitchen where Lois is sobbing at the table while the rest of the family are eating]
I told you not to rock the boat over there.
Lois
Where did you get all this money?
It was easy. I took out a reverse mortgage, which is that thing where ya house gives ya free money.
Lois
Peter, how could you be so stupid?! Reverse mortgages are a total scam! Now, you need to call the bank right away, and take that Mr. Potato Head back.
I can't. I wrote "Best Spuds 4 Life" all over the box! I almost love the box as much as the guy now.
Lois
Peter, we could lose our house!
Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck made a video for the wives wearin' his signature short shorts.
SSelleck
[on video] Hello, wives, I'm--
Lois
Sold!
[Lois and Meg are at the Quahog International Airport, about to depart for their secret mother-daughter trip]
Lois
Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone. I got him his favorite babysitter.
[cut to Peter being tucked into bed by his babysitter]
Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9.
BBabysitter
The note says 9.
Not if it's special, and we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.
BBabysitter
The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.
[Peter runs to the restroom and slams the door]
I'm allowed to watch Coco, and it's basically the same thing. [slams door]
Me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows. We talk about interesting stuff all the time! Just this past weekend, we were talking about how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale. Well, it's actually very simple. Chip's nose is black and Dale's nose is red. And if you need help remembering, you say chocolate chip! The Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts, but that's Tuesday's show.
Lois
Oh, please! All men run outta things to say to each other after 20 minutes.
Oh, yeah? Well, if guys is so bad at talkin', how come Regis Philbin is still yappin'?
[cut to Regis Philbin's grave]
RPRegis Philbin
So, Joy hands me a box and I open it, and it's the same Dawn sweater from LAST Christmas! Can you believe that?! Comin' up, Angels David Boreanaz. Look at Kathie Lee; she's fanning herself!
Lois
Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don't need a television anymore.
Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. Everyone just streams now on their individual devices.
Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice?
Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era.
[takes Meg and throws her out of a castle window as she screams]
Sorry. Just demonstrating I'm still relevant by making a very old movie reference.
KJKevin James
Look, I'm here because now that I don't have any viewers or a job, I need you to take care of me.
Lois
What, is that some kind of rule?
Of course it is, Lois. In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, you have to take care of them. It's the pilot of most shows.
Lois
Oh, really? Name 50.
New Girl, Two and a Half Men, Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers, Frasier, Will & Grace, Friends, Joey, Home Economics, Mom, Dads, Cheers, Hope & Faith, Raising Hope, Full House, Fuller House, King of Queens, ...
KJKevin James
That's good. I ... I think we get it.
Oh, no, no. No, this is a name all 50 kind of show ... Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy, The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere, The United States of Al, Yes Dear, Down and Out in Beverly Hills: The TV Series, Rhoda, Golden Girls, ALF, Meego, Empty Nest, Wings, My Two Dads, Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie, Off Centre, Webster, The Bernie Mac Show, The Return of Jezebel James, Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth, Union Square, Bram & Alice, The Grinder, $#*! My Dad Says, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Damon, Happy Endings, Big Brother Jake, Three's Company, Mama's Family and Who’s the Boss?.
Lois
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more!
[sigh] ... Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple, The New Odd Couple, Diff'rent Strokes, and ...
KJKevin James
Oh my God! She hung herself!
[Lois is seen hanging from the ceiling]
Nah, naw. That's from Airplane!. We do that kind of stuff too. You can stay.
Lois
Look, l know Peter said some very mean things, but what's important now is that no one is hurt.
That's not entirely true, Lois. Your... reusable grocery bags didn't make it.
Lois
[chuckles] What?
Your bags. [takes out Lois' burnt bags] They were lost in the fire.
Lois
No, no, nooo! [whacks Peter in her bag; everyone tries to stop her] Oh, you son of a bitch, Peter Griffin! What have you done?! I will never forgive you for this, do you hear me?! [crying] I will never forgive you! [walks away sobbingly as Bonnie confronts her]
Lois
Chris, if people think I'm sleepin' with a student, I could go to jail. You know, you are gonna march into school tomorrow and tell everyone the truth.
I just wanted to be in with the cool kids no matter what. I saw popularity and I went for it.
Lois
Oh, honey, you wanted somethin' and you lied. You were manifesting.
I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.
[Lois and Chris hug]
[Lois and Peter are at their bedroom, having sex in the dark]
Lois
Oh, Peter! [laughs] Oh, Peter!
[Lois and Peter's eyes widen in the dark. Lois turns on the lamp, and Peter's hat falls down]
Lois
[shocked and confused] Did... did you just call me Francis?
l don't know what l said, Lois, it was the '90s!
Lois
It was 10 seconds ago.
Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.
Lois
Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?
Holy crap, l think you're right. I guess l must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. [Lois glares at Peter fearfully and nervously] So... [picks up the hat] Where were we?
Lois
[Peter attempts to kiss her, but Lois pushes him back] No, Peter, l just... l need a minute. [Peter looks down disappointed and starts to leave] Leave the hat.
Lois
Look, we are shoppin' for new pants. I can't believe you showed the entire Church your bare ass.
Well, l'm just glad everything is back to normal. [Pull back to show Peter wearing his ruined pants]
Lois
[angrily] No, it isn't! You didn't even change your pants! [Turns Peter around to show duct tape on his butt] I mean, look at you! You're a mess! You are lucky we married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
Family Guy · 775 quotes
