Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

[returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!

Lois

Careful! I just cleaned the floor.

Peter

Good thing. Huh? [laughs]

Lemony!

Lois

Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!

Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!

Peter

NO! [runs over to Trix Rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Ernie] I'm sorry, what were you saying?

...besides, this place is paradise.

Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter

Randy Newman?

Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois

Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois

[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]

Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?

Stewie

Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.

Li, would your people really do this?

Stewie

Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?

Stewie

Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!

Peter

Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.

But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.

Don't be stupid! Santa is black!

Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.

Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!

How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!

Nice goin', fat!

Peter

Hey, I was just tryin' to save your lives!

Lois

Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.

Peter

That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.

Lois

No, you didn't!

Peter

You win this round, Lois.

Lois

You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!

Peter

Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.

Lois

The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!

Peter

I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.

Boy, that lotion sure feels good.

Sure is hot. [removes her top]

And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]

Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.

Lois

Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.

Peter

Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

Peter

There's gotta be an explanation for all this!

You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!

Peter

I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.

Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?

Peter

...Oh yeah.

Lois

We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.

Peter

Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says.

Lois

Peter!

Peter

I didn't say that. Lee Majors did.

What? Women are things.

Lois

Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.

Peter

Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.

Lois

Then at least let me drive!

Peter

Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he is now driving through oncoming traffic] [laughs] that's adorable!

Peter

[making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous.

Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.

Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

Aw, heck, where's a lawyer when I need one? [behind him, several hundred men holding pitchforks raise their hands]

[after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!

Peter

Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

Chris

[lividly] NO WAY!!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

Lois

Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris

Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois

[nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris

But I remember it so clear-

[loudly] It was a dream!

I have asked you in here tonight so that you may perform a service.

Peter

What are you gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married.