Peter Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Peter

When I go back to school, all my greaser friends are gonna say "Tell me more! Tell me more!" and I'm gonna say you were a slut.

Peter

God, can't you believe that Trump hung himself in prison?

Peter

We’ll be out here eating pizza like we’re in an ’80s commercial.

Peter

Pizza!

Peter

The year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona Beer company so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks.

Peter

Guys, great news. My uncle just died so we can use his HBO Max password until they cancel his credit card!

Peter

Let's start with Game of Thrones, which aired 8 seasons and was beloved by America for 6 and a half seasons.

Peter

You know when I agreed to this, I 100% thought it was American Pie. Always read the second word of the title before you sign something.

Peter

Thanks to the vaccines, we can all get back to doing the things we hate.

Peter

Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.

Lois

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

[sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.

...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

Peter

[He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?

Yes.

Peter

Man, that guy musta been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?

Lois

And then there was that time at the ice cream store...

Peter

Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks ice cream and passes out immediately]

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

Peter

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!

[on screen] I have AIDS.

That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!

Peter

Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.

Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!

Peter

Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]

Chris

Way to go, Dad!

Hey, you hit my mom!

Peter

No, I hit your dad.

Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!

Peter

You mean, give "him" some air.

Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!

Peter

You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in."

You got it!

Chris

Well, you were close, dad!

Peter

Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt."

Peter

Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.

My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.

Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

[after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

Stewie

Stupid greedy savages.

Lois

Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

Stewie

Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

Meg

Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?

Peter

Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

[reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

Peter

[rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

Peter

Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.

Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.

Peter

It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the hell of it, let's try again.