Tonya Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Tonya

Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew

Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle

No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Narrator

Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle

Boy, is that a baby?

Drew

No, that's a football.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Tonya

No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle

Is that a baby?

Chris

No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator

I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

Tonya

[after Rochelle gives her the wrong picture] Momma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.

Rochelle

What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!

Tonya

Captain Kangaroo is so funny.

Get outta here, you Peepin' Toms. I'm callin' the cops.

Narrator

Tonya and Drew couldn't watch TV, but that didn't stop them from readin' it.

Drew

Check this out. Matlock at 4:00. When Nashville star Dolly Parton gets arrested for murder, she turns to Ben Matlock.

Tonya

Look at this: Moses Gunn is gonna be on The Jeffersons.

Drew

Did you know that Little House on the Prairie was closed-captioned for the hearing impaired?

Tonya

Stephanie Mills is gonna be on Captain Kangaroo!

Julius

Forget this. I'm gettin' a gun.

Rochelle

Julius, do you know what would happen if we got a gun?

Julius

Who ate the big piece of chicken? [gets out a gun] You? Baby girl?

Rochelle

[gets out two guns] Who left the damn toilet seat up? Huh?

Tonya

Who ate all the cereal? [gets out a shotgun] I WILL BLOW YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD OFF!

Narrator

Drew and Tonya finally settled on an activity they could both enjoy: prank phone calls.

Tonya

Do you have pig's feet?

Yes. Yes, we do.

Tonya

Well, if you wear shoes, nobody will notice.

Tonya

Help!

911 emergency.

Tonya

Help! They're choking me!

Drew

Come here, woman! Shut up girl! Come here!

Stay calm, ma'am.

Drew

Hey! Hey, get back here!

Greg

What are you doing?

Chris

Turning to MacGyver.

Greg

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

Tonya

NOVA?!? What is that?

Greg

It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Drew

Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.

Chris

Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Rochelle

Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?

Narrator

Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"

Greg

Thanks!

Narrator

I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

Julius

How was it havin' Greg over?

Chris

Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! I never worked so hard in my entire life!

Drew

And I want my bed back!

Tonya

And she is not makin' me eat no more tofu.

Julius

Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?!

Drew

And you sit up here washin' dishes for the white man!

Tonya

And that little TV show NOVA was boring!

Rochelle

I'm tired of bein' a vegetarian short-order cook!

Tonya

Can I have some money to buy a Christmas present for my friend Monica?

Julius

I'm afraid that's not in accordance with the principles of Kwanzaa.

Narrator

Or my father's cheapness!

Tonya

[looking at a family photo] Hey Ma, who's that?

Rochelle

Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie! You know what? She's 12, just like you.

Narrator

Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.

Tonya

Ma, I'm hungry. Can we get a snack?

Rochelle

Are you nuts?! Have you seen the rats in this place?

Drew

Let's just go home and eat there.

Narrator

Same rats, different borough.

Julius

I've got good news.

Rochelle

You finally kicked the gout?

Julius

No.

Tonya

Chris isn't your real son?

Julius

No.

Drew

Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?

Julius

No.

Chris

Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?

Julius

No. I am Employee of the Month.

Tonya

[To Chris] What are you looking at?

Narrator

About five to ten when I drown you in that cereal bowl.