Tonya Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Tonya

[As she walks into the bathroom as Chris starts kissing his reflection in the mirror] Ugh! What is wrong with you?

Narrator

Can't a boy kiss himself in the mirror in peace?

Rochelle

[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

Narrator

No pumpernickle?

Rochelle

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Narrator

Hot sauce?!

Rochelle

...cinnimon,

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Rochelle

...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.

Chris

Hot sauce?

Julius

[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Tonya

Yep, ten rolls.

Julius

[smiles] Good girl.

Drew

Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Narrator

You'd think it'd be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.

Tonya

That smells good.

Who wants meatloaf?

Chris

No we don't! We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni

Tonya

My macaronni oven mitts were not stupid!

Drew

You're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaronni hotcon.

Tonya

Shut up!

Narrator

Or your macaronni macaronni bowl.

[narrating] Hey, you shut up, too.

Narrator

Get outta my voice-over booth, woman! Save that for the show, "Everybody Hates Tonya"!

[narrating] Whatever.

Narrator

I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.

Rochelle

OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]

Narrator

And she sacrificed on the street.

Tonya

Thanks for your coat, Momma.

Rochelle

That's OK, baby. I like the cold.

Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl! You think I don't know I got a mole?!

Narrator

Holy moly!

I know I got a mole!

Narrator

Does your mole know about your mustache?

Vanessa

Wha-? Gloria, wait a minute!

Vanessa

[stares at Tonya for a moment] Tonya?

Tonya

What?...

Tonya

So, I'm gettin' fired for bein' honest?

Narrator

It happened to Don Imus, and it could happen to you.

Tonya

I don't want you to walk me to school. Leave me alone.

Narrator

That's how girls turned down R. Kelly.

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Tonya

I'm takin' the girls and startin' my own group.

Narrator

Called TMA: Too Much Attitude.

Narrator

A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius

Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator

I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya

Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator

I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator

But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Rochelle

Do you have a pen?

Tonya

For what?

Rochelle

For me not to smack the smart outta you.

Narrator

When you're a kid, one of the most important lessons you learn is when your parents tell you to do something...

Rochelle

Y'all better eat that liver.

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

...you do it, no matter what you think.

Rochelle

Boy, get your feet off my good chair.

Drew

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter what it is.

Rochelle

Girl, are you crazy?! If you wanna cook your brother, do it outside!

Tonya

Yes, ma'am.

Narrator

No matter how you feel.

Rochelle

Chris, clean up the table and do the dishes.

Chris

No!

Rochelle

What?

Narrator

Will I say what I just said again? Will my mother kill me before I get a chance to say it? Are Drew and Tonya gonna sit there and just let this happen? Don't touch that dial!

Julius

You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.

Narrator

What?

Rochelle

Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?

Drew

I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.

Tonya

No, I think the arm is the arm.

Rochelle

Chris is the boy.

Julius

Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.

Drew

Like talkin' back to Mom.

Julius

Right.

Tonya

So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?

Julius

Exactly.

Rochelle

So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.

Tonya

It looks like Clay-Dough and grits.

Drew

Ugh, it tastes like Clay-Dough and grits.

Julius

It is Clay-Dough and grits.