Drew Rock quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Julius

I've got good news.

Rochelle

You finally kicked the gout?

Julius

No.

Tonya

Chris isn't your real son?

Julius

No.

Drew

Lionel Richie is back with The Commodores?

Julius

No.

Chris

Did you trade Tonya to the devil for cable?

Julius

No. I am Employee of the Month.

Drew

Hey man, you still like Tasha?

Narrator

Does Angelina Jolie like black babies?

Chris

What do you know about Gretzky?

Drew

Well, I know he's a season all-time assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."

Chris

What's in it?

Drew

Hmm... Canadian bacon, maple syrup... Oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.

Chris

Sounds awful.

Drew

I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.

Chris

Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.

Drew

This doesn't look like Long Island.

Chris

It's not. This is Coney Island!

Narrator

If this was Survivor, I'd vote Drew off the island.

Drew

When we get there, I'm gonna have to buy you one of those sandwiches.

Narrator

Might as well buy me a heart attack with a side of diabetes.

Rochelle

[Serving dinner, which consists only of toast] See, I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.

Narrator

No pumpernickle?

Rochelle

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Narrator

Hot sauce?!

Rochelle

...cinnimon,

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Rochelle

...honey, and syrup to dip your crust in.

Chris

Hot sauce?

Julius

[To Tonya] Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Tonya

Yep, ten rolls.

Julius

[smiles] Good girl.

Drew

Hey Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Narrator

Hot sauce?

Narrator

My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.

Fried bread crust.

Drew

Fried bread crust?

Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.

Narrator

This is for people who like bypass surgery.

Julius

[eating a bread crust] How much you need?

Narrator

And a couple of good ideas.

They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.

Julius

Well, what flavor is this?

This is milk chocolate.

Drew

Milk chocolate chocolate milk?

Narrator

Official drink of diabetes.

Chris

No we don't! We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni

Tonya

My macaronni oven mitts were not stupid!

Drew

You're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaronni hotcon.

Tonya

Shut up!

Narrator

Or your macaronni macaronni bowl.

[narrating] Hey, you shut up, too.

Narrator

Get outta my voice-over booth, woman! Save that for the show, "Everybody Hates Tonya"!

[narrating] Whatever.

Mr. Omar

The lady I'm seein' likes to do things by the numbers. I was waitin' on 800. She had a special surprise for me at 800, and you ruined it!

Narrator

The surprise was, she was a man.

Drew

Isn't that kinda weird?

Mr. Omar

Isn't that kinda none of your business?

Drew

Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.

Narrator

Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Drew

Is that all you watch? The Munsters?

Narrator

Yeah, he watches The Addams Family, too.

Drew

I love Stacy. She came by today and brought me a pie. And if she was 13, I'd probably have to take her from you, Doc.

Narrator

You'd have to get past R. Kelly first.

Narrator

New Year's Eve was big in Bed-Stuy because it gave everybody a chance to make new resolutions. Unfortunately, most people didn't follow through on them. Not my mother.

Rochelle

This year, I'm gonna stop yellin' at my children.

Narrator

No you're not!

Rochelle

Who put a glass on my table without a coaster?!

Narrator

Not my sister.

Tonya

This year, I'm not going to get Chris in trouble anymore.

Narrator

Yes you will!

Rochelle

[off-screen] Who's been in my make-up bag?!

Tonya

Chris did it!

Narrator

Not my father.

Julius

I'm gonna stop worryin' about my money.

Narrator

Stop lyin'!

Julius

Chris, close that door! You just left out 86 cents' worth of refrigeration!

Narrator

Not my brother.

Drew

This year, I'm not gonna take any more girls from Chris.

Narrator

We'll see about that!

That's so sweet, Drew. Who's Chris?

Chris

I'm Chris. You came in with me.

Drew

Where were you, Chris?

Chris Rock

[narrating] With the Grand Wizard of Bed-Stuy.

Drew

Aren't you gonna do something?

Why don't you do something?

Drew

'Cause I'm the one auditioning you.

No one talks to Princess Latifah like that! Next!