Greg Wuliger quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Everything.

I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

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All the girls call me papi.

Greg

"Papi?" You're so in there.

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Greg

Here's a couple books on dog training.

You just happen to have books on dog training in your locker?

Greg

I got lots of stuff in there. Let's see... I've got a bartender's guide, an auction catalog to fine crystal (mostly Lalique), How to Fly a Helicopter, The Idiot's Guide to Tic-Tac-Toe, a Gutenberg Bible, and a street guide to Baghdad. You never know.

That guidebook lists a lot more streets than they have left in Baghdad now.

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Greg

You've got a place. Now all you need to do is get a girl. You're so in there. I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

I could.

[Greg is then seen alone and crying as "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays]

Guess I am in there.

Greg

You're so in there, we'd have to send a search party to find you.

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Greg

You can still get involved in an activity.

Like what?

Greg

I don't know. Something that plays into your strong suits.

Problem is, all I had were weak suits.

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Greg

If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Rochelle

Come, eat.

Help! My mother's possessed by a nice lady!

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Greg had brought so much stuff, I couldn't tell if he was stayin' over or takin' over.

You wearin' Transformers pajamas? Man, you're 15!

Greg

I like to pray as different characters. That way God doesn't get bored with me. Tonight I'm Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. [in a robotic voice] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

He should pray for some self-esteem!

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[the kids are watching TV]

Greg

What are you doing?

Turning to MacGyver.

Greg

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

Tonya

NOVA?!? What is that?

Greg

It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Drew

Cool! That's almost like MacGyver.

Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Rochelle

Chris, Greg is your guest. Let him watch NOVA. [to Greg, serving dessert] Gelato?

Is that Italian for "Jell-O?"

Greg

Thanks!

I thought havin' Greg stay over would be fun. Probably what the Indians thought when they first saw Columbus.

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Back at school, Greg was catching up on more than his studies.

What year did the American Revolution begin, Greg? Greg?!?

Greg

[waking up] 1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you? You're usually so alert.

It's because he's staying at my house for a week.

Oh my God, he's drunk?!? Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

Greg

I'm not drunk. I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed. Chris' people have a history of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields. Who could expect you to keep up? Go back to sleep.

She was Don Imus in a dress.

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Hey, Greg. What's up?

Greg

My dad's going out of town for a week. I have to stay with my grandmother. Not looking forward to it.

Why not?

[Greg and his grandmother are at a German party and a banner saying "Willkommen Greg!" is above everyone]

GSGreg's Grandmother

Left, right, left heel, right, left, right...

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Greg

[angrily] Why didn't you wake me up?

You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

Greg

That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school. I missed the quarterly history test!

Well, maybe you shoulda gone to bed dressed as Superman. That way you coulda flown to school. [walks away]

Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

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Greg

Hey, I just got a nickname!

Hey, you just got robbed!

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Greg

I can't decide on a hairstyle. I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.

MManny

I cannot cut your hair, Greg.

Greg

Why not?

MManny

First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White, and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J. I've never used these scissors on straight hair. I don't know what will happen. I'll start cuttin' your hair, man, sparks start flyin' everywhere, your whole head catch on fire. And I will NOT be sued by white people!

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Greg

OK, Smartypants, do I say "hi?" Do I say "hello?" Or maybe "hey?" Or even "hey, hi?" The possibilities are endless! We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.

I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror.

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Greg

I've been having a hard time with my Mandy situation. This girl could be my future ex-wife, and I don't wanna mess it up.

Greg still isn't over his parents' divorce.