While you were out takin' your time, sippin' on coffee, your son was here staging a COUP!!
JuliusA coup? What? Who, Drew?
CHRIS! I spent 20 hours of labor pushin' out that big-eared boy, and he turns around and does this to me?!
Julius
Does what? What did he do?
What did he do? Oh, what? You're on HIS side now?!
Julius
No, no! I... I'm just tryin' to find out what's goin' on!
Oh, what's goin' on? What's goin' on? Lemme think about what's goin' on. YOUR SON IS TRYING TO KILL ME!! That's what's goin' on! I, I... I cook. I clean. I care for this family, and what do I get in return? Just a FULL-SCALE MUTINY! Led by a child who I bore for a man who's supposed to love and honor and protect me! You know, I thought we were all in this together, but you know what? I'm findin' out now that I'm just BY MYSELF!
Julius
Rochelle, what did he do?
I told Chris to wash the dishes and he told me, "No." And what do you do? Nothing!
Julius
You cuttin' the boy's arm off for stickin' his finger in the fan.
Cuttin' off his arm? I don't get it. So, am I the fan?
I'm pretty sure Chris is the arm.
No, I think the arm is the arm.
Julius
Yeah, Chris is the boy. Look, stickin' his finger in the fan is just the equivalent of doin' something stupid.
Like talkin' back to Mom.
Julius
Right.
So cuttin' the arm off is kickin' him outta the house?
Julius
Exactly.
So, if he stuck his finger in the fan and I didn't like it, cuttin' his arm off so he wouldn't do it again [along with Julius] wouldn't help.
"""Chris: Look, I Don't Care, All right. It's better than doing everyone else's work. If you had been cleaning up after me for the past ten years, you'd know how I felt.
"""Tonya: (To Chris) Where are you gonna stay?
"""Chris: I'll Find a place
Back home, my dad's mojo recipes were layin' eggs.
Julius
Honey, I've done everything I can and things just keep gettin' worse. They've had over four glasses of the remedy, and their temperature just keeps goin' up.
Maybe that's because Clay-Dough is not the stuffy-nose, runny-eyes, scratchy-throat and knock-you-out-so-you-can-sleep medicine.
[Chris is eating his dinner very quickly.]
While I was worried about getting to school, Tonya was worried about getting out of school.
Boy, slow down. You're acting like your food is trying to get away from you.
I'm trying to get to bed. I'm really tired.
Hey, Daddy, can I get my hair done at Nessa's for graduation?
Julius
Sure, baby.
Can I get a new dress too?
You don't need a new dress; you can wear your church dress.
But I wore that for Easter. If I wear it for graduation, I'll look back at the pictures, I won't know what I'm remembering.
You'll remember that we couldn't afford to buy you two dresses.
[finishes his drink rapidly] Plus, in one of the pictures, you'd be holding the chocolate bunny. [kisses Rochelle's cheek] Love you. Good night.
Julius
That's okay. I've been saving up for this. How many times does a girl graduate from sixth grade?
What are you writing, Drew?
It's a list of things I can do on Amateur Night at the Apollo. I'm gonna try out.
Julius
Drew, that's a tough audience. You can't just go up there and do anything; they will boo you faster than Casper on Halloween.
Stevie Wonder could see before he did Amateur Night; they booed him blind.
They booed "Magic" Johnson so bad, he gave up singing.
"Magic" Johnson is a basketball player.
Well, they're not gonna boo me.
That's what Roseanne said before she sang The National Anthem!
Meanwhile, I was goin' down like O.J. in the Vegas trial.
Chris, this is your own fault. If you woulda told me you were havin' problems, then I coulda done somethin'.
Julius
It's not the end of the world. Most people don't get to finish the 10th grade once. You get to do it twice. It's kinda like workin' a double shift.
Do you know how embarrassing that's gonna be?
As embarrassing as bein' 40 and still livin' with your mother 'cause you were too stupid to listen to her and repeat the 10th grade and get your diploma.
After all my parents did for me, I tried to do somethin' for myself.
Julius
G.E.D.?
Yeah, it's just like graduatin' from high school.
No, it's not. Do you get a G.E.D. cap and gown? Can people sign your G.E.D. yearbook? Do they have a G.E.D. reunion?
Yes. It's called "Flavor of Love."
[as Chris enters a diner] Next to a pregnancy scare, waitin' for the results from my G.E.D. was one of the scariest moments of my life.
WWaitress
Who gets that fried crust?
[Chris inserts a quarter into the jukebox on the table, then "Livin' on a Prayer" by Bon Jovi plays]
Hey. Where's Drew and Tonya?
They're walkin' over from Doc's.
[singing along] Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike; he's down on his luck. It's tough.
[as Drew and Tonya show up] Hey!
In his skin. When he jumps out, you can jump in.
[singing along] Hold on...
[singing along] ...if we make it or not. We'll give it a shot.
CDChris, Drew, Tonya and Rochelle
[singing along] Oh, we're halfway there! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand; we'll make it, I swear! Oh, oh! Livin' on a prayer!
Hey Ma, I heard they were hirin' at Red Lobster.
I wonder how hungry people have to be to eat a lobster? Like, who looks at that and says, "Man, that looks good!"?
Have you thought about what you're gonna do if you don't pass the G.E.D.?
Julius
[showing up with Chris' G.E.D. results] Hey, everybody.
Julius
Chris' G.E.D. results.
Julius
Is that fried crust?
[last line on the show] What's it say? [the screen blacks out afterwards, leaving it ambiguous as to whether Chris passed the G.E.D. or not, and the credits roll in silence, mimicking the final episode of The Sopranos.]
Everybody Hates Chris · 729 quotes
