Narrator quotes from Everybody Hates Chris

Narrator

A bag of weed can cause you all kinds of problems: Big ones, like losin' your job, and little ones, like tryin' to figure out where to hide it. I thought about hidin' it in the bathroom.

Julius

Who's hidin' $27 worth of weed in the toilet?

Narrator

I thought about hidin' it in my room.

Tonya

Momma! Somebody hid some weed in Chris' sock drawer!

Narrator

I even thought about hidin' it in the kitchen.

Rochelle

Who hid weed in my cereal?!

Narrator

But I decided the safest place to hide it was on me.

Julius

How many times do I have to tell you kids, the Jamaicans do not sell records?

Narrator

Or if they do, they're Sean Paul.

Julius

You did somethin' I didn't like, now I'm doin' somethin' you don't like.

Narrator

You're lucky he didn't make you pay $12!

Class, this is K9 Officer Kilo. Now, there's no reason to be afraid. He doesn't bite unless he's ordered to.

Narrator

He's better-behaved than Naomi Campbell.

Rochelle

How do you know what weed smells like?

Narrator

Scratch 'n sniff Rick James' sticker?

Greg

Dude! You hit me with a car.

Narrator

Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Greg

So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.

Chris

No, I didn't.

Greg

So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face was smashed up against the windshield?

Chris

No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car, and that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So, not only would you be hurt, he would be hurt also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?

Greg

OK, I get it. You didn't hit me.

Narrator

Spoken just like Tina Turner.

Rochelle

Chris, is that your wrestlin' coach?

Narrator

I guess that answers who they got arrested.

Greg

Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Chris

Yeah, he's right. That's not him.

Rochelle

Well, I thought you said you didn't see anything.

Narrator

Yeah, dummy!

Chris

Oh. Now that I think about it, it's kinda all coming back. As I came around the corner, I think I might have caught a glimpse of the driver.

Well, let's get you with the sketch artist.

Narrator

Jesse from All My Children, you're next.

Rochelle

Hittin' someone with a car is not illegal. Lyin' to the police is.

Chris

Ma, I know you're mad, but it's over. It all worked out. It's not a big deal.

Rochelle

You broke your friend's leg, you both lied to the police, we were in the middle of a police shoot-out with a serial choker, and you don't think it's a big deal?

Narrator

Not in Bed-Stuy.

Greg

Once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not gonna be good.

Chris

I thought your parents split up?

Greg

They did, but neither one will give up the timeshare, so I'm taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking... and fighting.

Narrator

Don't forget cryin'!

Drew

I hate the sand. I don't know where it comes from, and it gets into places you can't get it out of.

Narrator

Like broke cousins.

Rochelle

Boy, this is not a library.

Narrator

If it was, you'd be quiet.

Drew

What are you doing?

Julius

Nothing.

Narrator

Nothing he wants you to know about.

Greg

Dude, where's our car?

Narrator

That sounds like the title of a movie.