Jack Carter quotes from Eureka

Zoe

The school's completely out of control. Kids in fights, making out in the hallways, teachers apathetic.

So, more like normal school, then.

Zoe

Exactly.

Carter

[armed with a flamethrower] Unless you want me to roast your chestnuts, back off!

Taggart

[naked and armed with a shovel] You wouldn't dare.

Carter

Try me.

Allison

All I know is that there is something inside Section 5, something Nathan's obsessed with. Something that he thinks will change the world.

Carter

Of course, it's incredibly dangerous.

Allison

Have you ever known anything to change the world that wasn't?

Carter

Velcro.

Allison

I'm craving red meat.

Carter

That's just wrong.

Allison

Beef jerky.

Carter

Okay seriously, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Henry

There's not much tissue left but I can run a DNA sample and get an ID.

Carter

Nah, I know who it is. It's, ah, fat, sweaty Asian guy.

Vincent

What?!

Allison

Carter!

Carter

I'm being descriptive - if I knew his name, I'd use it!

Carter

Taggart said the combustion was caused by meson particles coming from a solar flare. I'm no astrophysicist but I don't think there are a lot of solar flares inside a house.

Henry

He's right.

Jo

Really?

Carter

Could you not act so surprised?

Carter

You've never swung an ax in your life.

Stark

I've swung a lot of things that would surprise you sheriff.

Carter

What does that even mean?

Carter

Do we have any suspects yet?

Jo

No, unless you count this long list of people around here who find Fargo as annoying as we do.

Fargo

Hey! That's not true... oh yes it is.

Stark

Good job Carter. Wow, that didn't even leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Carter

Oh, give it a second.

Stark

Yep, there it is.

Today’s forecast calls for heat, frost, rain, hail, gale force winds and severe lightning.

Carter

[re: S.A.R.A.H.] I’ll have Fargo give her a check-up.

It is an incredibly dangerous confluence of meteorological events.

Carter

Uh...

Henry

A perfect storm.

Carter

Thank you.

A spinning cyclone of instability, high up in the cryosphere.

Henry

Ice funnel of death.

Carter

Gotcha. Why don't you people just say "ice funnel of death"?

Allison

[over the radio] How hard is it to push a button?

Carter

[fighting gale-force winds] You wanna do it!?

SARAH, forgive me if I don’t feel the need to justify my parental choices to a talking bunker.

Fine, don’t let the door hit you on the way-

[interrupting] Yeah, you wanna piece of me?

Jack Carter

Ahem. Are you, uh, threatening the house?

She started it.

Fargo

Sorry, all class 8 research is classified.

Carter

Oh. Y’know what else should be classified? Uh, a certain assistant’s American Idol audition.

Fargo

What? No-no-no, Zoe promised me she was gonna delete that!

Carter

So what’s it gonna be?

Fargo

Fine. Give me an hour.

Carter

I mean, they’re only kids. How much trouble can they get into? I mean, uh, Jo made it seem like the sky is falling.

Stark

That hasn’t happened since 2004. And that was more of an igniting of the ionosphere.