Jack Carter quotes from Eureka

Henry

No, but nearly all the recorded data in Nevada was erased: Tapes in video stores, floppy disks in casinos, half the database of Area 51.

Carter

Area 51 is real?

Henry

[shakes head yes] No.

Sometimes I think she says these things just to hurt me.

Carter

No I say things just to hurt you.

Carter

Joesefina Ballerina.

Jo Lupo

I will taser you.

Stark

Of all people to bring out of cryostasis I resurrect another Fargo.

Carter

Yeah, karma's a bitch.

Carter

[about Fargo's grandfather being in stasis] Hey, um, is anyone curious as to how he got in there?

Stark

He's a Fargo. Are you really surprised?

Fargo

I am standing right here.

Carter

[about the price of Zane] Whoa! Twenty-five thousand for this guy?

Zane

[to Allison] For thirty, I'll throw in dinner and a movie. But it won't go past second base. I'm not that kind of boy.

Zane

Obsession with firearms can be a sign of unfulfilled sexual appetite. I'm not saying that's you, but if it is, I'm at your service.

Zane

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Carter

Jo, Jo, Jo! Don't shoot the prisoner. Don't.

Jo

How about I just wing him?

Stark

This the new kid?

Zane

Who you calling kid, Spartacus?

Stark

Ooh, cocky, I like him.

Carter

You would.

Zane

I'm not eating that.

Carter

What? It's chicken.

Zane

Do you know how chickens are raised?

Carter

Aw, don't, just let me enjoy my meal.

Zane

Jammed together in a windowless warehouse, wading in feces until [slices hand across throat] they get decapitated, or pecked to death. [cheerfully] When you eat that chicken, you're eating all that hate.

Zane

Aw, c'mon, I have to sleep in here?

Carter

At least you're not wading in your own feces. GD has an apartment for you, but you're a criminal, and you don't deserve it.

Zane

You may think I'm a criminal, but my mom loves me and she wouldn't appreciate you insulting her boy.

Jo

Okay, what do you mean, they're stupid?

Carter

I mean, stupid. Like, like [acts 'stupid'] stupid. Stupid.

Jo

Carter, you can't catch stupid.

Zane

This may be my favorite conversation of all time.

Carter

How you feeling? You feel dumb?

Jo

No. You?

Zane

How could you tell? [Carter and Jo both nonchalantly zap him] OW! Gah!

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Marco.

Carter

Polo! One of you says 'Polo'. The game is Marco Polo! Go.[he walks away]

Polo.

Polo.

Polo.

Polo.

Carter

You vacationed here when you were ten. Figured it's off the main roads, place to hide out for a couple days first.

Zane

Well, I guess my FBI file's more detailed than I thought.

Carter

Not in your file.

Zane

Well, then that computer of yours must have an amazing predictive algorithm.

Carter

Didn't use the computer. I called your mother.

Zane

[starts laughing, then abruptly stops when he realizes Carter is serious] You called my mother?

Jo

What was taken?

Polyethylene glycol.

Carter

[sarcastically] Ah, let me guess: permanent sunblock, instant cavity filler?

[confused] We keep those up front.

Henry

Besides, extracting AL26 from moon rocks would require a highly sophisticated process, you’d have to be especially trained...

Carter

You mean like, like everyone in town?

Henry

Gotcha. I'll check it out.