Ed quotes

Ed

[asking Carol about her reign] I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say bombed Belgium?

Kenny

[on his trip to Caesar's buffet in Vegas] 128 shrimp, $2.99. Suddenly, the house didn't have such an advantage, if you know what I mean!

Phil

[to Ed, regarding his move to NYC] Hey Bosco, once I get situated in Gotham, would you mind if I give your ex-wife a call?

Warren

[when the pimp questions his given age of 25] Pendleton men have always been a little boyish. It's both a blessing and a curse.

Warren

[to the escort Tonya, when he picks her up] Get out of my dreams and into my station wagon.

Warren

Look at me. I've got a thin tie. I'm wearing a thin tie to the prom! Woo hoo! I'm my own man.

Ed

[to Mike regarding his relationship with Carol after the almost kiss] We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingos engaged in a complex mating dance.

Warren

Let's spend another Friday night in my basement, eating my mom's zucchini bread and watching Battlebots.

Warren

I knew it! I knew it! I'm going upstate. Oh my god. I'm going upstate to visit some guy with a name like Ice or Big Daddy. He's gonna make me his bitch and he's gonna trade me for a carton of cigarettes or a girlie magazine!

Mike

[to Ed] It would have been a much better story if you, Bonnie, and Carol all started kissing each other.

Phil

I remember a time when television used to entertain us with the craftsmanship of writing, acting, directing. Now they just try to shock us with the drek of sensationalistic sewage.

Carol

[to Ed] I'm not afraid of you being my boyfriend. I'm afraid of you being my ex-boyfriend.

Ed

[comparing himself and Mike with Dennis] Cool guys? Cool guys? No thank you, we'd much rather be a couple of dorks.

[on why he wants to change his name] Life's too short to be someone you don't want to be.

Nancy

[watching as Ed`s "Hat Man" tries to pick up women in the bar] This is like watching a really cute puppy trying to have sex with a hooker.