[to Molly about Carol] If you're not born with broad shoulders and a strong jaw, there's only one way to get the girl... you make a complete ass of yourself.
S1Pilot
If there were two bowling alleys, exactly alike, but one of them had wall-to-wall whores, I'd definitely patronize the one with the whores.
[to Mike] You know when you go into a department store and they have an irregular rack? Irregular. That's my staff.
[to Carol about Ed] You're lucky that you didn't sleep with him. He would've bought a strip mall.
Sometimes two people can fall so completely in love and yet be so completely wrong for one another. It's fate's nasty side, I guess.
S1The World of Possibility
SSStuckeyville Stan
In the old days, we would have settled things like this with a baseball bat and a sock full of quarters.
[(to Ed, explaining why he goes by "Jean Tremont" to the salt-and-pepper shaker sales reps] The French thing gives me a business edge. It keeps 'em confused.
I came up with a theory on women. Women are just fancy men. You know what I mean? Start with a man, add a bunch of interesting bells and whistles, and you've got a woman.
[On the phone with salt/pepper shaker sales rep] I've got sales reps from seven companies following me around like I'm a virgin at a rodeo.
[defending Stan in court] Without the world of possibility, what do we have left?
S1Just Friends
[to Ed] Yeah, I was just wondering... um... when you invite a client over to your office for the first time, and they see that it's like, in a bowling alley, or whatever, um... well, are they ever like, "Thanks, but I think I'm gonna find a lawyer whose office is not in a bowling alley?"
[about the mailman] Neither rain nor sleet nor gloom of night could stop him from having sex with my wife.
[to Molly, about Carol] Your friend here is a tough nut to crack, and I am one hungry squirrel.
[on seeing Ed's video] The first time I saw it, I was shocked. Second time, I was horrified. I think it was that third time -- that's the one that scarred me for life.
[regarding the $10 bets] When the gauntlet is dropped, you must accept the challenge.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ed pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.