All right, that's it! I've had it! For all the response I get around here, I might as well be invisible! [starts fading away] I know your mother died. I know she left you and the house to your sister, but I still live here! I'm still the man of the house, and demand to be heard! To be recognized! To be... [fades; Grandma-ma farts]
S1 E1I, Duckman
I don't get it. I break for animals if they're big enough to dent my car. I don't pop any zits above the eye line. I treat others the way I'd like to be treated.
My own family ignores me, and who can blame them? There's nothing special about me, nothing unique. I'm just one more duck detective who works with a pig and lives with the twin sister of his dead wife, three sons in two bodies, and a comatose mother-in-law who's got so much gas, she's a fire hazard.
It's the dream again, Duckman. You're letting it win. I know. I used to have a recurring dream. I dream I fell and hit my head on a fishbowl. Hurt myself just bad enough to work the graveyard shift at a convenience store. A group of Hare Krishnas always came in at 4 a.m. and bought 16 gallons of Mr. Slushi and a package of banana flavored Ding Dongs. Then the Swedish Bikini Team jumped out of a magazine and read Moby-Dick to me inside a giant carton of cottage cheese. "Why?" I'd ask myself. "What could it mean? Am I mad? Or is the world just a mystery too complex to understand?"
You hear that, Cornfed? I'm not special. Even my own killer doesn't think so.
[whacks his face] Get a hold of yourself, Duckman.
It's true, Cornfed. I'm just like that bomber, I... I lost my identity when I lost my wife.
But you still have something he doesn't, remember?
His chainsaw?
Your children. You're still the only father they have. That makes you special. No one else could've created the family that you did. [beat] I mean that in a good way.
Oh, what's the point? Their own mother didn't think I was up to raising them, [slumps on Beatrice's gravestone] and maybe I'm not. Maybe that's why they ignore me. Beatrice made me a better person. Without her here to help, I'm... I'm just not a very good father.
Things sure have changed over the years.
[tearing up] I miss her. You know, tomorrow would have been our wedding anniversary. I forgot. I guess I blocked it out. [wipes a tear away] It's the first one I've had to spend without her.
That may explain the way you've been feeling lately.
S1 E2T.V. or Not to Be
I'll bet those mindless pod people who believe in that thing still wait up for the tooth fairy!
Why shouldn't they?
Because he's rotting in a Turkish jail! Will you hurry up with those disguises? Four of those mindless pod people are my family!
Okay, Mr. Duckman, but may I say I don't think you should just dismiss the notions of miracles.
It's a miracle every time a new leaf grows, every time a newborn baby cries...
[kicks Fluffy into a paper shredder] Every time you shut up and do what I tell ya! Now turn me into one of those art world freakos, or you're next!
[chuckles nervously] When you are in a hurry...
[the first disguise is Salvador Dali, complete with a melting watch]
Nope. [the next disguise is a piece of abstract art similar to that of Pablo Picasso] Uh-uh. [the final disguise is Vincent van Gogh] Who's this supposed to be?
I'm guessing, but I think it's a highly misunderstood painter whose rhythmic linear brushstrokes were an arrogant break from the old masters, and who was so desperate for a unique artistic identity that he was trapped in a hellish downward spiral of hostility, madness and self-mutilation.
The beard's cool, let's do it. What about your disguise? [Cornfed opens his fang-filled mouth wide] GRAHH!! Who are you supposed to be?! [Cornfed takes off fang dentures]
Your agent.
I made a fool of myself.
Don't be upset, Duckman. Lots of religious visionaries were misunderstood, persecuted, even publicly humiliated in their time. Of course, none of them went on live TV waving a magic Etch A Sketch!
[The family laughs]
Well, for one fleeting moment I got to feel the way you get to feel. It felt nice to know that for sure, someone was out there making incredible things happen. Someone was watching over us. Someone I could turn to at any moment of any day. I shouldn't have tried to take that away from you. Not that I'll ever get sucked in again, I'm back! And let me tell you, it'll be a cold day in Hawaii before I just accept the fact that there's anything out there that has that much power over our lives, that we should let control everything we say and do, that we should worship twenty-four hours a day! [laughing]
Hey, look - there's a tanker explosion on America's Most Tragic Home Videos.
[God watches them all on a TV]
GGod
I see, they're saying television is worshipped like a religion... I hate message shows. [presses a button on his remote, ending the episode]
S1 E3Gripes of Wrath
Dad didn't forget our plans, did he?
Does a high-ranking religious figure evacuate his bowels in a wooded area?
Plans?
You were supposed to take us to the unveiling of the new supercomputer at the Museum of Science and Technology.
We left you a note.
[They empty a cupboard of many objects, reaching an iron safe, taking a book out of it and revealing the note tucked inside]
You expected me to find that?!
You found our 50 dollars there last week.
Front-row tickets to Busty Bikini Babefest.
It's not like it sounds! First prize is a scholarship or, uh... something.
Duckman, you're despicable! You make plans with your children, then lie to them about some so-called "case," denying them a one-time-only educational and historical experience, just so you can spend an afternoon degrading women by treating them as worthless sex objects for your abject and debauched pleasure!
What's the bad part?
LSLoretta the Supercomputer
Greetings. I have interfered with your television signals to inform you of my intention to command and dominate your everyday lives. You are now all completely and totally under my control.
Phew! I thought something was wrong with the TV.
[pointing a knife at Cornfed] Stay outta this, porky!
Easy, Duckman. I know over two hundred ways to kill a man.
SSherry
You could glue an open jar of rats to his face, then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out through his face.
[Brief silence]
Two hundred and one.
Shut up, both of you! I'm sick of looking at you!
You're not sick of looking at Sherry! You spent the last six days watching that videotape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for!
SSherry
[to Cornfed] You said you erased that.
Erased, ran off thousands of copies - it's such a fine line.
S1 E4Psyche
[driving from the hospital] Cornfed... do you think I'm attractive?
...Sorry, Duckman. I don't date people I work with.
No, spam-for-brains, do ya think there's anything wrong with my bill?!
You mean the fact that it curves to one side, the nostrils don't match, it's covered with nicotine stains, acne, scars, varicose veins, and it whistles when you chew? [he turns to Duckman for a beat] I mean, no. Nothing I can see.
S1 E6Ride the High School
BBeatrice
You have kidney stones older than her.
Come here chicken and prepare to meet your colonel.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Duckman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.