Mail call! Dad got a package.
Hm... a videotape in a plain brown wrapper.
[Duckman salivating and chuckling]
From the boys' school!
S3 E2Forbidden Fruit
Mr. Duckman, you've only been here eight hours, and already you've turned our whole world topsy-turvy!
We spent the entire morning burning your sheets, and your mattress, and the bed, and the carpet around the bed leading into the bathroom! And the bathroom!
You have to treat people with respect, Mr. Duckman, whether it's what you say to them or how you act in their house!
[apathetically, takes the fried eggs he made from their rare finch eggs] Uh-huh, look, these eggs need a little ketchup, is there anything else?
[furious] As a matter of fact, there is. Get the [beep] out of here, Mr. Duckman.
[Duckman stands in shocked silence]
You deaf, Mr. [beep]hole?! Get the [beep] out of here before we [beep]ing tear your [beep]ing [beep] off and shove it up your [beep]ing [beep]!
[They point at the door and he sadly leaves, giving a brief hopeful smile before they slam the door on him]
Ooh, that felt pretty [beep]ing good!
[groans] Blacking out. Swoon. Down I go. Must be my potassium deficiency.
RRegine
Here, have a banana.
You offered me a banana? The phallic fruit? I'm uncomfortable with what that implies. I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment.
RRegine
What? You can't. I didn't mean anything. Besides, it can't be harassment. I'm not even a-- [gasps]
You're not even a what? A woman? That's right. I had to appear to abandon Duckman so I could infiltrate your society because of a hunch I had as to your real identity. The broken French accent, the unnaturally husky voice, the second-rate acting. You can only be one person: Gerard Depardieu. [unmasks "Regine"]
King Chicken!
That was my second guess.
[after describing his plan to ruin Duckman's life] And why did I do it?!
CCrowd
[speaking together in monotone] Duckman made you an outsider in grammar school, so you wanted to make Duckman an outsider in society. Mwah-ha-ha, bawk, bawk, bawk.
You're fans!
I've seen the light, Bernice. From now on, there's only one answer: I'll confine my remarks to inanimate objects! They can't sue!
S3 E6Room With a Bellevue
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! [shrieks hysterically] I just want to get home for my kids' birthday, but this whole leaf-blowing, false-advertising, traffic-stopping, tax-dollar-squandering, workers-on-permanent-coffee-break, upper-class-money-dodging, stolen-car-parts-dealing, sign-changing society WON'T LET ME! And you know who's to blame?! WE ALL ARE! We say we hate lawyers, but we can't wait to sue somebody! We want leaders to make tough choices, then we vote them out when they do! We all want X-rated older-women-with-hirsute-upper-lips chat lines, then scream bloody murder when we get the bill! I ask ya - what's happened to logic in this world?!
[Two policemen arrive and put him in handcuffs]
PPoliceman
You're under arrest.
For what?! I have a right to speak my mind!
PPoliceman
We're arresting you for ranting in public without a starched collar.
What kind of idiot law is--?!
[The policeman sprays pepper in his face]
[talking with two psychiatrists after being committed to a mental asylum] Sue me, I'm colorful! Doesn't mean I belong in here, making potholders with the wackos. Besides, what gives you the right to judge other people, anyway?
P1Psychiatrist 1
The diploma. Judging people is pretty much the main benefit.
P2Psychiatrist 2
That and the license plates with "MD" on them! You can park almost anywhere!
And when you think about it, isn't that exactly the point?!
[The psychiatrists look at each other in confusion]
Parking?
[Both psychiatrists smile and relax]
And driving, and shopping, and eating, and working. Somewhere, somehow, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore. Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world? Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt. [pauses] Ah, you never forget your senior prom... [suddenly louder] You think I'm sick? Well, the only disease I've got is modern life! A schnutbusting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of letdowns, put-downs, trickle-downs, shutouts, freeze-outs, sellouts, numbnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like, say, if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little strip air hockey, it'll be over before it starts, 'cause some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback, and the cab is owned by some piñata spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big, all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete! And even with all this -- with ALL THIS -- I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway, 'cause some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas, and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits?! And is it really any wonder that I seem DERANGED?!
[Silence; both psychiatrists are stunned and speechless]
[chuckles] That's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before.
Sorry to come in without knocking, but these shows are only 22 minutes. Since it's been well over a month since Duckman entered the mental hospital, I can only assume that he's being held against his will, and once again, it's up to us to rescue him.
Oops, I'm due at a rehearsal of the tristate water safety civilian review board pep gals glee club!
Bernice, this is about the right of ordinary citizens to be free from the capricious imposition of a state-enforced idea of normalcy. Also, he owes me three dollars.
What? Wha-What's going on?
I've reversed your electroshock. Lucky I sent away for that course in neurosurgery. Hey, if Sally Struthers is selling, I'm buying. You see, Duckman, I realized that it's the person who can cheerfully accept the madness of this world that is truly insane.
You said a mouthful, old swine of mine. That hospital may have been a stinking hellhole, but the so-called normal world is really bad. So let's face it: the only answer, the only sane way to deal with any of this... is ruthless random acts of violence! Making sure they're all wiped out, the innocent and guilty alike, in a hail of gunfire! Cleft in twain by my mighty sword! Trampled into the dust and squashed like the stupid, tiny unsegmented insects they are! And--
[knocks him out with ether again] Of course, I may need to do a little fine-tuning.
S3 E8Clear and Presidente Danger
Duckman, part of me believes you're judicious and mature enough to handle unlimited power. Of course, that same part of me believes that JFK shares a townhouse with Elvis and Jim Morrison on a small Mediterranean island.
Esta usted une snobbo? If I thought, as you do, that government should be run only by competent and experienced and smart and reasonable people, I would never have voted for term limits! Besides, me having unlimited power, the blind adoration of millions, total control over the fate of an entire people - what could possibly go wrong?
[to the camera] For a complete list, send twelve dollars to Journal Graphics, Washington, DC, 20300.
Cornfed, as members of the first family, we've grown disillusioned with our lives of decadence and hubris.
And we want to save Dad from his raging eggo.
Ajax, I think you mean "ego."
Oh. Once again, I've confused Dad's psyche with a toasted breakfast food. Although the image of fighting off a bloodthirsty waffle will forever remain a favourite in the playground of my mind...
I can't let you join us, boys. Regardless of the circumstances, the notion of teaching you to betray your own father paralyzes me with guilt.
He called you a whiny little trough-licking turncoat who talks in a deep voice to overcompensate for his inadequacies with women.
[frowning] We'll start with "12 Ways to Impale a Man on a Palm Frond."
S3 E11Pig Amok
[After Bernice turns down Cornfed's proposal, and he runs out screaming]
So, pot roast tonight?
You peg-legged puke-meister! We've got to go after him before he does something horrible!
He just proposed to you, I'm thinking "horrible" is behind him.
Listen to me, Corny. I'm more than just your partner - I'm someone who owes you money, and instead of that money, I'm gonna give you some priceless advice: don't throw your life away for that walking hefty bag!
You've insulted the woman I love. In the centuries-old tradition of my family, I challenge you to a duel to the death.
You never mentioned that tradition before.
Dad's making another tape...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Duckman pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.