Lynette Scavo quotes from Desperate Housewives

Lynette

Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant.

Tom

Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people.

Lynette

Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again.

Tom

"I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."

Lynette

"I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

Lynette

"That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."

Andrew

"That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette

"Ok...My fault for asking."

[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.

[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?

Lynette Scavo

It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.

Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.

And for you and you.

These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.

Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.

We're eight.

What do I care?

Lynette Scavo

Just say thank you.

[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?

[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!

[to Lynette] Oh, is that Tom's little B-a-s-t-a...

Tom Scavo

OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Bree Van De Kamp

Dead?

Lynette

(who is high) I'm a ninja!

MOM! We're gonna bake you a cake when the doctor says your cancer's gone.

Lynette Scavo

Great! Grab this. (hands him a sack of rodent poison)

What's this stuff for?

Lynette Scavo

You know that possum that's been ruining our garden?

(Happily Yeah, me and Preston named him Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo

Don't give him a name, he's not gonna be around much longer.

(concerned) You're not gonna hurt him are you?

Lynette Scavo

Honey, I put up a fence and he burrowed right under it. The man at the garden centre said these are crafty creatures and there's only one way to stop 'em.

So you're gonna kill him?

Lynette Scavo

Sweetie, let me ask you something. If you had to choose between mommy's beautiful garden and a gross, mean, dirty possum, what would you pick?

Scruffles!

Lynette Scavo

Ok, we're done talkin' here. (she grabs the bags from him, leaving him looking a little upset)

Tom Scavo

Ok, now you're scaring me.

Lynette Scavo

Why?

Tom Scavo

Look at yourself. You've declared jihad on a possum.

Lynette Scavo

This is not a joke, Tom. Something has attacked our home and, when that happens, you don't just stand by. You fight it! Screw this creature that has come into our lives uninvited and is trying to destroy us! It will not defeat me!

Tom Scavo

OK. You do what you need to do.

Lynette Scavo

Thank you.

Happy Mother's Day!

Lynette Scavo

Oh my gosh, that is so sweet, thank you.

We're gonna go get your present.

I hope you like turtles!

Lynette

Kayla, I'm really sorry about the way things turned out.

No, you aren't.

Lynette

Okay! I'm not.

Since when do you make waffles?

Lynette

Well Kayla loves waffles, and since she and I have been having some problems lately, I'm doing something nice for her.

Lynette

How did he die? Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?

Susan

I know. It's terrible but I can't change it now. Mike was so emotional about it.

Bree

Well, then appeal to his sense of reason. Maynard doesn't go with the name Delfino. One is German and one is Italian and we all know what happens when those folks get together.

Susan

I'm not sure that the World War II argument is going to fly.

Bree

Come on, you have to do something. That name is practically abusive.

Gabrielle

Yeah, think about your son. People live up to the names they're given. If my parents hadn't named me Gabrielle, who knows if I'd be this pretty?

Lynette

I guess that's why they didn't name you "Einstein."

Gabrielle

So sarcastic but what would you expect from a "Lynette"? (Lynette scoffs) What? If your name was Francesca, you wouldn't have time for sarcasm. You'd be too busy having sex on a vespa.

Lynette Scavo

[Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you?

Lynette Scavo

OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we were talking again and you where telling me things.

I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her.

Lynette Scavo

Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them.

[Whispers] Me too.

Lynette Scavo

Hey, got a sec?

Not really.

Lynette Scavo

So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado?

I guess.

Lynette Scavo

Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?

Lynette Scavo

You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry?

Tom Scavo

Seriously?

Lynette

Really? That does not sound like me.

Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and Dad old and feeble--