Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear’s going to rock up at a Take That concert!
He wouldn’t get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.
You’d be surprised, girls.
Granda JoeAye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn’t.
Sure, the concert’s nowhere near the zoo.
Granda Joe
But he’s not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon? He’s sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.
What I’m saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.
They’re quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.
Someone might give him a lift.
Whose side are you on, Orla?
Come on, Mary. If you don’t let Erin go, then our mas won’t let us go.
Well, neither they should, and I’ll be ringing them to say as much.
Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.
But there’ll be other concerts.
No there won’t. The fact that this one’s happening is a miracle. Nobody good ever comes here ‘cause we keep killing each other.
And now we’re overrun with polar bears.
Granda Joe
Where will it end?
I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary. no matter what you’ve done, you’re still my sister. I’ll stand by you.
I haven’t done anything, Sarah.
Granda Joe
Exactly, love. Everybody knows you didn’t mean to kill the old boot. God rest her soul.
Granda Joe
You know what I mean. Not kill. Hex.
I didn’t hex her either, Da. It was just a very tragic--
Granda Joe
My mother, she had the gift too, you know. By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don’t have any gift. There’s no dark forces at play here. I just said something unfortunate that happened to--
Right, well, that’s the dishes done. Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy?
I’ll just grab the Hoover, give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I’ll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What’s gotten into you two. What are you up to? What do you want?
Nothing. We just thought that we should pull over weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can’t hex people, girls. It was an accident.
So, how’s the wicked witch of the northwest?
Granda Joe
Who put 50p in the eejit?
God, how am I going to go to this wake?
Granda Joe
It’ll be grand, love. But, listen, say if things do get heated, try not to rise to it. The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
MOMan on TV
This document is an insult to the majority of people of Northern Ireland!
All right, Ian, we get the idea, like.
Granda Joe
What are you futtering at?
The picture’s just gone a bit, sort of…
Granda Joe
You have to give it a bit of a shock now and again. (He hits the TV again) You have to keep it on its toes.
I’m not sure you do have to keep it on its toes, Joe. It’s a television.
Okay, okay, okay! I’m just going to turn it off and turn it on again. That usually does the trick. (He turns the TV off and on again) There we go. Hm? It doesn’t seem to be anything happening now.
Granda Joe
This stupid prick’s broken the TV, Mary!
Granda Joe
He’s been futtering.
Excuse me. You’re the one that was thumping it repeatedly, Joe.
Granda Joe
I’ll thump you repeatedly!
Well, the pair of you better sort it out. London’s Burning’s on in 20 minutes.
God, Mary, but them poor fellas are flat out with fires, so they are. Jesus, but they never get a minute.
Aye, it’s a good job they keep themselves in such great shape.
Aw, don’t, Mary. That Greek fella…
He could throw me over his shoulder any day of the week.
When JFK came to Dublin, Uncle Colm met him, and Daddy didn’t.
Granda Joe
Things are gonna be different this time, I tell you.
JFK spoke to Colm? Christ, that man didn’t have much luck, did he?
Look, Mary. Are they for Mammy’s grave, Da?
Granda Joe
Aye.
Ten years gone, would you believe it?
Granda Joe
I don’t know why I bother. That Kitty O’Donnell next door, sue her plot’s like a jungle.
Granda Joe
If that useless bloody husband of hers doesn’t get his finger out soon, I’ll give it a going-over myself.
Daddy, how many times? You can’t strim the grave of another man’s wife. It’s inappropriate.
Granda Joe
You could rear cattle in it, Sarah.
Ten years, and not a peep out of her.
Granda Joe
I don’t know what she’s playing at. There’s no excuse for it, love.
Her being dead is sort of an excuse. No?
Granda Joe
She couldn’t give us a sign? She couldn’t rattle a teapot or something?
Mary Quinn: Bridget Gallagher was telling me she went to see this psychic.
No! You know the problems I have with my aura.
The last time I went to see a psychic, sure I was tortured. The spirits were coming at me left, right and center. This one lad, he was in the American Air Force. Well, would he give over about that plane going down? Jesus, he had me demented.
Even so, Sarah, wouldn’t you like to know that Mammy’s happy, that she’s at peace now?
Granda Joe
I’d give anything to speak to her again.
Granda Joe
Love to know what the hell she did with my good electric razor.
What are you supposed to be? Swans?
Angels don’t use crutches.
Granda Joe
You’re a swan expert now, are you?
Yeah, that’s precisely what I said.
God love you, son. Imagine beating you up just cause you like Slimboy Fat.
Yeah, I still can’t quite believe it myself, actually.
Ah, I love his wee toy car.
Derry Girls · 94 quotes
